In an era where physical intimacy no longer requires commitment, we’re seeing the decline of traditional courtship
The process of getting to know someone through consistent dates and meaningful conversation is a crucial stage before entering a committed relationship. This “traditional” stage of dating allows both people to invest time and effort into building a connection. It was a way to explore compatibility and emotional intimacy, with the understanding that it may or may not lead to a deeper relationship
Today, modern dating can bypass the traditional format of formal dates designed to help people get to know each other. With the understanding that sexual or physical intimacy no longer necessarily requires commitment, the dating stage itself has changed.
This dating stage is commonly referred to as the “talking stage” or “situationships” by Generation Z which often lacks the structure of planned dates, leaving the process more casual and less defined.
The rise of technology has aided in shifting this stage. Dating apps, social media and increased online communication have played significant roles in reshaping how relationships and courtship are approached today. People can now connect with potential matches online, no longer limited by location.
While hookup culture has always existed, particularly in environments that encourage autonomy such as universities, technology has amplified this trend. People are exposed to a variety of profiles, allowing them to explore potential interests. This removes the constraints of getting to know one person at a time, consistent communication and real-life interaction.
One could argue that the decline of traditional dating can largely be attributed to how we now communicate and interact. In the past, social skills like charisma, being a good conversationalist and knowing how to flirt were essential tools for dating. Today, however, these skills have been reduced to trendy buzzwords like “rizz”, a term that ironically does not necessarily imply one can genuinely engage with another person.
As a result, there is a growing disconnect, with some individuals seeking casual encounters while others are looking for commitment. This creates an awkward space where casual encounters or “talking stages” become the norm, driven by their low pressure and lack of commitment.
The shift towards low-pressure dating scenes, where traditional dating is avoided unless boundaries are explicitly set, reflects deeper changes in how people approach relationships today. Whether it is a fear of commitment, anxiety about dating, or a reluctance to be vulnerable, many are opting for casual connections that do not require the emotional investment of a committed relationship.
Although, it is important to note there are differences between younger and older generations, with younger people often favouring low-pressure, casual connections over traditional, long-term commitments. This shift in dating culture is also impacted by factors such as sexual orientation, education, gender, race and age.
For example, a 2019 American study found that Black adults are more likely to be single than White or Hispanic adults. Those with less education are also more likely to remain single. These factors shape when and how people are ready to date, with many younger individuals prioritizing personal growth and independence.
Ultimately, the decline of traditional dating reflects broader societal changes, where technology has expanded access to potential partners and increased selectiveness in dating intentions. With the rise of low-pressure, casual connections, there’s a growing need to reconsider the importance of self-love, vulnerability and emotional intimacy in building meaningful partnerships.
C/O Travis Nguyen
Students reflect on their relationship with their body throughout the COVID-19 pandemic
Since the COVID-19 pandemic began in March 2020, many people have reported increasingly negative body image. The Silhouette discussed body image over the past two years with some students at McMaster University.
Serena Habib, a student at McMaster, discussed the many negative conversations surrounding body image that took place online over lockdown periods.
“There was just a lot of public discourse around, like, how we're always sitting at our desks and getting snacks and I thought that was a lot of unnecessary pressure on people,” said Habib.
Despite this, Habib said that her body image improved over the course of the pandemic due to the communities that she found on social media. Habib recognized that this was not the case for everyone, noting that other people may have found less supportive communities online.
“[The pandemic] gave me the time to be able to explore body positivity on Instagram and podcasts that really helped with body image and with taking care of [my] physical and mental health, which I don't know if I would have gotten to do if it wasn't for having that time to myself over the pandemic,”
Serena Habib
Sarah Coker, another student at McMaster, also reported experiencing more positive body image after the pandemic. The pandemic helped Coker’s body image because when gyms closed, she began to explore other forms of exercise that felt better for her. Coker, who was diagnosed with anorexia in 2016, stated that, prior to the pandemic, she found herself overusing the gym.
“Now I just like to go on a lot of walks and listen to podcasts and go out more in nature and [I] do it just because I want to and it feels good for my body, rather than having to be like ‘Okay, I need to get like this [and] do all these reps and sets,’” explained Coker.
As well, Coker explained that she has lost some muscle since the start of the pandemic and that her time away from the gym made her appreciate the strength that she had built up.
"[Being] female and being powerful and strong . . . [The pandemic] made me miss that and I hope I can get back to that eventually,” said Coker.
McMaster student Ekta Mishra also reflected on how the pandemic made her place more value on her physical strength. Mishra noted that, prior to the pandemic, she was far more concerned about how others would view her appearance. However, being in isolation allowed Mishra to redefine beauty standards for herself.
“[Body image] had to do a lot with exercise and how I wanted my muscles to look and what I felt was acceptable and feminine. [T]hat became something that I got to decide for myself, rather than something that other people [and their] reactions would decide . . . Not facing the scrutiny of the people around you every single day makes a difference in how you begin to perceive yourself,” said Mishra.
On the other hand, McMaster student Sadie Macdonald stated that when the pandemic first began, it impacted her body image very negatively.
“There was a lot of time and I was like what else am I going to do? I might as well focus on what I look like. . . So that wasn't good. I found myself slipping into [not] a disorder of any sort but definitely disordered thinking patterns and behaviors,”
Sadie Macdonald
Macdonald said that she found herself exercising excessively and failing to eat breakfast. However, Macdonald said that she caught herself slipping into unhealthy thinking patterns and made an effort to view her body more positively. She added that during the second lockdown, she was quarantining with a friend and she had developed a much healthier relationship with exercise.
Although she was still exercising a lot, she was doing activities that she enjoyed, such as going on long bike rides. She stated that because she was exercising for fun, she was not focusing on her appearance.
“I shouldn't see moving my body as a means to an end in that way. [Exercise] should have value in itself because it makes me feel good and if it's not making me feel good then I don't think I'm doing it right,”
Sadie Macdonald
For her, focusing on body neutrality through the pandemic was more valuable than focusing on body positivity.
“Looking in the mirror and being like ‘wow, you're beautiful today’ doesn't help me as much as being like ‘you're so much more interesting than that; you don't even need to look in the mirror today’,” said Macdonald.
Neha Shah, the director of the McMaster Students Union Women and Gender Equity Network, discussed the strengths of the body neutrality movement, explaining that it does more to address systemic issues than body positivity.
Shah also explained that another aspect of COVID-19 body image is the impact that the pandemic has had on the ability of transgender and gender nonconforming individuals to present in a way that is comfortable for them.
“For a lot of students, quarantining at home has made things difficult for them; being able to express themselves in the way that feels right to them is maybe not safe for them at home or just not as comfortable,” explained Shah.
In order to combat this by providing students with gender affirming items and to provide students with sexual health items, WGEN began an initiative last year to provide students with gift cards to access these items.
“Last year, my predecessor and the former director of [the Student Health Education Centre] collaborated to create a program called collective care, which is our peer-run resource distribution program that is able to run virtually. How it works is students will request a gift card — we have a range of stores that we’re able to provide gift cards to — of a certain amount and indicate why they need it and then we're able to send out these e-gift cards anonymously to them,” said Shah.
Body image can be tricky to navigate and is ultimately a unique experience for every individual. With all the challenges that the pandemic has posed, the relationship that each person has with their own body can change in both positive and negative ways. However, when we support one another in our communities, we can help alleviate some of the stressors around feeling comfortable in our own skin.
C/O Cee, Unsplash
These local Hamilton bakeries have Valentine’s Day Menus sure to make your day extra sweet!
Whether you are craving some comfort, looking for the perfect gift or just want to spread some love to friends and family, you can never go wrong with delicious desserts. Here are some bakeries with Valentine’s Day treats meant to bring love and care with their beauty and scrumptiousness.
Cake + Loaf Bakery
Instagram: @cakeandloafbakery
Located in the Kirkendall North neighbourhood of Hamilton, this is your one-stop sugar cookie shop with a number of sweet options on their Valentine’s menu, including “We Belong Together Like” sugar cookies. Iced in pink or teal with white cursive on top, these heart-shaped sugar cookies are showcase your choice from the 15 most popular food duos over the years such as avocado and toast or peanut butter and jelly. Alternatively, you can create custom cookies with any two names to create your own iconic duo!
If you are looking for an activity to do on your own or with a partner, you can paint your own Valentine’s Day cookies with two blank sugar cookies, two cookie paint-palettes and two paintbrushes.
Cake + Loaf Bakery has vegan options as well, including chocolate heart peek-a-boo sandwich cookies filled with pink icing shown through a heart-shaped window and covered in a dark chocolate drizzle and sprinkles.
Li’s Sweets & Treats
Instagram: @lissweetsntreats
Li’s Sweets & Treats delivers to Hamilton and surrounding areas and has a Valentine’s Day Special with options that look absolutely delicious! If you are searching for a small budget-friendly gift or want lots of variety already pre-packaged for you, this shop is ideal.
You can order a small box with chocolate covered strawberries, or a medium box with chocolate covered strawberries and red velvet truffles. Lianna’s large boxes have iced sugar cookies, soft sugar cookies, red velvet cookies, chocolate covered strawberries and red velvet truffles. However, if you only want cookies, you can get a dozen cookies for $20, choosing from red velvet, iced sugar cookies, soft sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies with hearts and shaped chocolate chips.
Perrella Cakes
@perrellacakes
Cookies, cookies and more cookies! Perella Cakes is a custom cake maker and decorate in Hamilton and has the cutest Valentine’s Day cookies.
If you want hearts, you can have single hearts, pairs of hearts together, or a heart struck by an arrow. Perella also has lettered cookies that spell out love, accompanied by hearts and sets of heart-shaped cookies with little messages for your Valentine including “Be Mine”, “I Love You” and “Hugs.”
For more detail, Perella can draw different images on her cookies, for example a lobster saying, “You’re My Lobster,” or a cookie with a sandwich and the phrase, “I love you more than Joey loves food” for the Friends fans out there.
For family and friends, there are also Valentine’s Day Decorate Your Own Cookie Kits with 12 heart-shaped sugar cookies, four colours of royal icing and six varieties of decorations.
Dolled Up Desserts
Instagram: @dolledupdessertsbaking
My housemate’s personal favourite, Dolled Up Desserts is a gluten free and vegan bakery in downtown Hamilton. Their Valentine’s day menu is open for pre-orders, including choices that are classic and unique and some surprises still to come. They have Valentine’s Sprinkle Sugar Cookies, Black Forest Cake Brownies, Red Velvet Oreo Cheesecake Blondies and Buttermilk Scones. With weekly rotating flavours, their Vegan Heart Macarons have seasonal flavours including candy cane two tone, gingerbread and vanilla snowmen. They also freeze well. After all, why should Valentine’s Day occur only once a year?
Furthermore, the Valentine’s cake flavours at this bakery are truly one-of-a-kind, from coconut passionfruit, earl grey blackberry and chocolate raspberry to a customizable macaron cake.
This is a great option to suit many dietary needs but make sure to check the ingredients if you or your Valentine has a nut allergy.
Sorting out my disoriented understanding of love
I’ve always struggled with the question “tell me about yourself.” It’s as if suddenly I forget who I am as I sift through the mess of traits that make up me. The truth is, people are complicated. We all have multiple identities and part of the struggle of being young is trying to uncover them all.
For many years I considered my parent’s divorce a defining part of my identity. The way I thought about relationships, platonic and romantic, was influenced by my fear of being emotionally vulnerable.
I internalized emotions and I kept most people at a distance. Around the few close friends I let into my life I was an open book, but the rest of the time I remained closed off.
Thinking back, there’s not a moment I can remember where my parents enjoyed each other’s company. My parents divorced when I was nine and for a while, things were pretty messy. All I remember thinking was that it was better this way, that everyone was far happier.
I remember travelling to school with my backpack and a grocery bag full of my favourite clothes as I switched between my parent’s houses every two days. Living across town, I led two different lives and had to learn to switch between my identities each time my environment changed. I didn’t choose to be Hannah Montana — it’s just something that happened.
Whenever my parents came to support me in extracurriculars or school events I would end up anxious, running back and forth between them, trying to balance my separate identities.
Seeing them both, I couldn’t imagine a reality in which relationships were positive. I lived in the wreckage of an emotional battle. If I was sure of one thing, it was that I never wanted a relationship for myself.
Seeing them both, I couldn’t imagine a reality in which relationships were positive. I lived in the wreckage of an emotional battle. If I was sure of one thing, it was that I never wanted a relationship for myself.
Watching my mom, a strong and fiercely independent woman, I always knew that when I grew up, I only wanted to rely on myself. It wasn’t sad or lonely to me — it was smart.
I never felt a need to seek out relationships because I believed that to love someone you first had to love yourself. So I turned inward, determined to build a strong enough sense of self that I would not be hurt by emotions if I ever began to feel for someone.
I had convinced myself and those around me that I was wounded from my parents’ divorce. That I was not interested in finding a significant other. I told myself that I didn’t want to be attracted to anyone but surely, I should have been.
Having no other ideas and a burning desire to fit in, I began to fake it. I remember spending a night in with my roommates, swiping through Bumble. I couldn’t understand what they meant as they rated the attractiveness of each new profile that appeared.
That night, I ended up scrolling through all of Bumble, swiping on a few men so as not to feel so abnormal. The truth is, I couldn’t understand the feelings my friends felt.
I had convinced myself and those around me that I was wounded from my parents’ divorce. That I was not interested in finding a significant other. I told myself that I didn’t want to be attracted to anyone but surely, I should have been.
Not long after, I became suddenly more exposed to queer stories through the media I was consuming. I was fascinated by the queer characters in the TV shows and movies I came across.
Seeing these characters represented on screen allowed me to come to terms with the legitimacy of a feeling I had been ignoring for so many years. I was finally able to admit to myself that I am attracted to women and the world finally clicked into place.
At the same time, I was faced with the unease of internalized homophobia and a lifetime of exposure to primarily heteronormative narratives. I was raised neutral to the queer community in that it was seldom a topic of conversation in my house.
But being exposed to a world that assumes heterosexuality as the default instilled in me a feeling of otherness towards the community.
Though I questioned myself, I remembered the same-sex crushes I’d had all through my childhood and teen years that I passed off as admiration or platonic friendships without giving two thoughts to the matter.
I could finally see what my friends had been speaking about all along. Yet I couldn’t help but wonder what my earlier life would have been had I been exposed to more queer stories earlier.
For so long I blamed my parent’s divorce on my disdain for relationships and love. Yet all along, it was just me being unable to see myself for who I am.
For so long I blamed my parent’s divorce on my disdain for relationships and love. Yet all along, it was just me being unable to see myself for who I am.
I think back to the unfortunate conclusions I drew about love so early on in life because I was lost and I wish I could tell myself to keep searching. I recognize that I still know very little, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that everyone loves differently and everyone’s love is valid.
With something so personal, we all have to figure things out on our own time for ourselves.
Reflections on accompanying loved ones in pain
By: Serena Habib, Contributor
cw: Mentions of self-harm and mental illness
In The Vampire Diaries, the vampires had an inner mechanism called a “humanity switch.” This allowed them to turn off any emotions that made them human so they could completely and carelessly follow their desires.
While I am grateful for my sense of empathy every single day, I sometimes wish I had a little knob I could turn to decrease the pain love brings when people around me are hurting.
While I am grateful for my sense of empathy every single day, I sometimes wish I had a little knob I could turn to decrease the pain love brings when people around me are hurting.
However, empathizing with others allows us to build connections and make a difference in the lives of people around us.
In an interview with Self magazine, Gottman Relationship Institute Co-Founder Julie Schwartz Gottman said that a person’s ability to empathize with others is what makes friendships last.
Psychologists Daniel Goreman and Paul Ekman outline three forms of empathy: cognitive empathy, the ability to understand another person’s perspective; emotional empathy, the ability to share the feelings of another person; and compassionate empathy, which allows us to understand the other person and moves us to take action to help them.
But what happens when your friend has been suffering severely for years from a mental illness? You can see from their perspective, you are agonizing in their pain and you have already tried everything you can do to help, but it doesn’t feel like it makes a difference.
I am scared. I am tired. I dream about her dying and I awake to her messages about how they are hurting themselves. Yet, if my friend was dying from cancer, I would stay with her until their dying day. How is it any different with a mental illness?
I am scared. I am tired.
The definition of love as understood in our society can be summed up by the famous Bible passage from 1 Corinthians. I think about that quote when I think about our friendship.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
I am being patient and I am being kind. I do not want to be friends with anyone else. I do not think I am a better friend. I am not prideful about what I have done in the friendship for I know we have helped one another.
“It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” I try not to be angry, but it enrages me to see people suffering so gravely due to circumstances they cannot control.
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” I am grateful for the honesty in our relationship and I want to be there as a listening ear. Our friendship was built upon rawness and mutual support.
“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” I always refrain from saying things that will be triggering or telling my friend how much this is hurting me because she already feels guilty for it. I do not give up and I never will give up on her being okay.
I always get excited at little glimmers of hope when she messages me about recovery or when we text about mundane things all day, but then I am dejected when the illness re-emerges and I once again see myself losing my best friend.
I get swept up in this whirlwind of pain and hope and confusion and I feel like I am trapped by the friendship that has brought me so much life and liberation.
I get swept up in this whirlwind of pain and hope and confusion and I feel like I am trapped by the friendship that has brought me so much life and liberation.
But then I realize that friendship goes both ways. I am not being honest with myself or patient with myself. I am expecting myself to do everything perfectly and blaming myself if anything goes wrong.
I need to follow these rules for myself. I need to be honest when I need time to put on my oxygen mask so we can both make it through these tumultuous times. Seeing as I can’t flip a switch to make this change, I’m not quite sure how to do this, but I am working on it.
Brass Beauties empowers Hamiltonians with the art of pole-dancing
Seven years ago, Lisa Esposto started pole-dancing. She originally bought into it to strengthen her core. After a month of pole-dancing, she became hooked on taking daily classes.
“It helps me a lot mentally, helps me look at myself in a different way, [I] became more confident in my everyday life . . . It also helps with some physical appearance demons that most females deal with at some point,” said Esposto.
A year later, she purchased the studio from the owner, turning it into Brass Beauties. The name comes from the foundation of treating everyone equally beautiful, as explained by Esposto.
“Everyone creates their own beauty. You can see your instructor, but you’re never going to move like them; you’re going to find your own way. It may be a hybrid, but you’re going to put your own twist on it,” said Esposto.
“Everyone creates their own beauty. You can see your instructor, but you’re never going to move like them; you’re going to find your own way. It may be a hybrid, but you’re going to put your own twist on it,” said Esposto.
As an owner, Esposto’s main responsibilities primarily look at the finances and management of the studio. But as an instructor, she helps women to feel more empowered in many different ways.
“Anybody can do it, you just have to put the time in like everything else in life . . . It’s just how much you want it,” said Esposto.
On a personal level, Esposto tries to ensure women are comfortable within the studio. She provides them with a space to dance that empowers and distracts them from what’s outside the studio’s four walls.
“Life is hard outside, it’s just a space to let them forget about the crappiness of life. If they’re having a bad day, they talk to me and we just go from there. I look at them as my family,” said Esposto.
Despite the studio not being your typical weights-based gym, Brass Beauties still provided a social atmosphere to its dancers.
“Not only are they getting a workout, but we also joke around. So they are missing the social aspect of it right now,” said Esposto.
Esposto also re-iterates how the dancers come together as a huge support system and thus, motivate each other.
“If someone catches you slacking, they’re going to call you out,” said Esposto.
Brass Beauties holds a variety of classes: fitness, dance, tricks, flexibility and hammocks.
The fitness class is all-levels whereas, for the dance classes, they vary by levels, from beginner pole-dancing with heavy instruction to more advanced classes where freestyle is available.
A popular trick class includes upside-down dancing. Flexibility classes include all types of stretching. There is also a floor dancing class, so dancers can transition from the pole to the floor and vice versa.
While the majority of the patrons are adult women, the studio has offered four-week hammock classes for children prior to the COVID-19 pandemic. Now, due to the pandemic, the hammocks can’t be used due to public safety guidelines on cloth usage. With that being said, there are plans for the studio to expand its target audience.
“The plan is to, at some point in the future, incorporate male students. We’ll probably run another children’s program, which was a huge hit,” explained Esposto.
Aside from the classes, Brass Beauties holds two annual shows. Their last show was just before the March 2020 lockdown. They also participate in the Festival of Friends every year, where dancers perform with a portable pole. Two years ago, the studio had the opportunity to participate in Supercrawl.
In the pandemic, the studio had the opportunity to re-open from July to December, in accordance with the provincial government’s guidelines and restrictions.
“It’s a bit of a struggle to offer online classes because not everyone has the equipment [pole],” said Esposto.
When thinking about the long-term future of the studio, Esposto emphasized the importance of exposure to more festivals and accessibility to equipment.
“Right now, my main focus is getting out of COVID and getting the girls back on the poles,” said Esposto.
“Right now, my main focus is getting out of COVID and getting the girls back on the poles,” said Esposto.
Sometimes the most important relationships in your life aren’t your own
One of our favourite family movies is White Christmas. Every year since we were little, my sister and I would attempt to emulate the singing sister duo from the film (sadly without their spectacular outfits) by belting out their song, “Sisters”: “[L]ord help the Mister who comes between me and my sister and Lord help the sister who comes between me and my man!”.
With me being three and her five at the time, the notion of a “man” coming between us seemed completely absurd; our sisterhood was ironclad and eternal.
Fast forward 14 years and the “mister” had arrived in the ominous shape of my sister’s first boyfriend. I met him for the first time when he and my sister came to pick me up — a power imbalance I found deeply frustrating (after all, how could I put him in his place when he was my ride home?).
Completely unprepared for what felt like the most important interview of my life, I interrogated him for a full half-hour. Needless to say, when the car ride was over, I didn’t know what to think of him.
But I knew one thing for sure: this boy had come to take my sister away from me. She could only love one of us best and he was vying for the top spot. This was a state-of-emergency, DEFCON-1 level crisis. I began wartime preparations.
But I knew one thing for sure: this boy had come to take my sister away from me. She could only love one of us best and he was vying for the top spot. This was a state-of-emergency, DEFCON-1 level crisis. I began wartime preparations.
People who say big brothers are protective have clearly never met a little sister. Over the following months, I turned into an amateur private investigator (more Clouseau than Sherlock, I must admit).
Every time we met, I would theatrically narrow my eyes and badger him with questions, certain that I would finally uncover a fact to prove his complete and irrefutable unsuitability for my sister. I was deeply unsuccessful, to put it mildly.
To my horror, I found out that he was actually kind of funny. Well, that wasn’t going to work for me — I was the funny one in our sisterhood. If she was busy laughing at his jokes, she wouldn’t have any time for mine.
He also turned out to be rather hard working and was really nice to her. But aside from stealing her clothes and periodically destroying all her makeup (trivial concerns, really), so was I!
However, the more I talked to him, the more I realized that I just couldn’t reconcile the picture I had of him in my head as a rude, good-for-nothing interloper who would do nothing but cause my sister pain with the reality that he was actually a nice, upstanding guy. In matters of the heart, though, reason counts for very little.
Failing to discover incriminating information, I turned to less sophisticated methods to scare him off: I became really, really mean.
I would call him nicknames to our family friends, I made rude faces whenever he was brought up in conversation and I even made a (losing) bet with my parents about how long he was going to last (the shameful reminder of which lives on in my Google Calendar forever).
I snidely informed my sister one day, “I can’t understand what you see in him”.
“That’s because you’re immature,” she replied.
I had become so cruel, angry and resentful that I barely recognized myself. Understandably, my sister became upset over why I was treating her boyfriend so badly; what had he ever done to me? My mom told her I was just jealous.
The truth is that she was right. But I wasn’t jealous of her, I was jealous of him.
Growing up, my sister was my idol. She was the prettiest, smartest and most confident person I knew and in my mind, I held her atop a pedestal.
Her attention and affection were necessary for my personal validation and I worried that he would take that from me. Was I really so replaceable to her?
Was I really so replaceable to her?
One day I walked into my sister’s room and I saw dozens of pictures of her and her boyfriend on the wall. She was beaming in every one of them. In that moment I realized my incredible selfishness.
I thought he was the one damaging our sisterhood, but in reality, I was the one who had inflicted the harm by denying her the right to affection beyond my own. It was a tight fit, but there could be room for three peas in this pod after all.
In case you thought this was a Hallmark movie ending, I’ll tell you that I haven’t fully gotten over my sisterly identity crisis quite yet. Just the other day I had a rather traumatizing “dream” (it was definitely a nightmare) that they got married — clearly, I still need some time before I can consider taking our relationship to the next level.
My sister and her boyfriend are still going strong and seeing them now makes me thankful that my meanspirited meddling didn’t ruin a good thing.
Even more importantly, I learned that sometimes the most difficult, life-changing relationships you will experience aren’t even your own. The “mister” wasn’t the villain in our sister-saga. I was — and we all know the bad guy never wins.
By: Serena Habib, Contributor
Butter slathered on toast during mornings with grandpa,
Soccer games followed by cotton candy ice cream,
Pilsbury croissant scented moments with grandma,
Family Second Cup runs for hot chocolate with whipped cream.
Sleepovers with strawberries wrapped in homemade crepes,
Love in grandma’s curries, which made them preeminent,
Candid photos from feeding each other birthday cake,
Little did she know that a maelstrom was imminent.
Love stopped. Love shuddered. Love got lost in the rain.
Food led to fights over mealtime. Love was enveloped in pain.
Mentally preparing herself for Christmas baking,
Running the chocolate chip calories away,
Laughing at dinner while silently aching.
Food-flavoured love was simply not okay.
She watched the boy she loved post pictures with his loved one
Sharing desserts and dinners she would never be able to eat,
She wanted so desperately to be lovable,
But love drifted away, perpetually out of reach.
She had lost love: she did not deserve it.
She would only have the muffin when she aced her test,
A test with a framework built upon inadequacy,
Years of high standards, and pressure to be the best.
It was love in her aunt’s heart when she tried to feed her oil,
Though she really needed buckets of self-acceptance instead,
From her father’s love formed a focus on body image:
A love that filled family vacations with dread.
Her mother’s love induced carbohydrated commands,
Threats that saved her from withering away,
With loathing she ate her way back to rationality —
This led to a love that would never go astray.
Pancakes with peanut-butter mornings of hope,
Cotton candy ice cream to celebrate her nineteenth,
Love for herself, her family, her journey —
Though her journey might never be truly complete.
For sometimes she feels herself slipping through her fingers,
She sees her reflection and bursts into tears,
But then she grabs some hot cocoa and her purple pen,
Reminding herself to push through her fears.
And sometimes she can’t, and her family is hurt,
As if she doesn’t love them by not trying the homemade cake,
Or they commend her on her weight gain at Christmas dinner,
And a mended part of her begins to break.
But love is eternal; it’s patient and enduring.
With each winter, it reveals itself more.
Meals filled with laughter and fond reminiscing
Are love’s subtle ways of winning her war.
Using community to learn about love, sex and health in a pandemic
The first Silhouette issue I remember picking up was the 2018 Sex and the Steel City issue. It started off so normal, but by the time I flipped to the sex toy guide, I recall being rather alarmed, maybe a tad embarrassed. I put the paper back on the stand.
A year later, I was contributing to Sex and the Steel City as the Arts and Culture Reporter. I started to understand how this issue provides an important space for our community to talk about the taboo, the messy and the private. But I didn’t feel I had anything to add to the conversation.
Now it’s two years after that. When I first took on the job that involves planning this issue, I still didn’t feel like I had much to add to this conversation. I wasn’t sure how to plan an issue on topics I am still exploring and learning about.
So I decided to do what I do whenever I write for the Sil: I listened. I have been a student of the dozens of thoughtful interviewees that have taught me about everything from magic to gentrification. So I turned to this community to teach me about love, sex and health.
So I decided to do what I do whenever I write for the Sil: I listened. I have been a student of the dozens of thoughtful interviewees that have taught me about everything from magic to gentrification. So I turned to this community to teach me about love, sex and health.
Over the past few weeks, the most personal stories and intimate art landed in my inbox. Strangers gave me permission to probe their pasts and tinker with their life texts.
So I want to thank every single person who reached out to me about this issue, to everyone who filmed and created and wrote this anthology on the taboo, the messy and the private. I am honoured that my part of the Sil’s legacy is all of your lessons on love.
I never realized how much of a community-based project Sex and the Steel City is until this year. Writing for a newspaper can be very isolating and doing so in a pandemic even more so, but this issue has reminded me of the community that the Sil has formed.
I think COVID-19 has made this issue all the more urgent. This pandemic has upended relationships, cancelled sex lives and wreaked havoc on our collective health. But it has also highlighted the importance of these things. We crave connection perhaps more than we ever have.
So in this year’s Sex and the Steel City, we have sought to tell stories of connection. Not just stories of romantic relationships, but also stories of the relationships with our family members, our friends and ourselves. I hope you know that you’re part of a community that loves and looks forward to this issue, be it your first Sex and the Steel City or your millionth.
Through this community, I have sought to expand my worldview. I’ll be the first to admit that there are representations lacking in this issue, that there are stories left to tell that I hope I’ll read in future issues of Sex and the Steel City.
But my goal was to make sure that you, dear reader, identified with just one word or just one image in this issue, so that you know that this is a conversation that you are a part of, a conversation that I welcome you to add to. More than anything, I hope you learn something.
Table of Contents:
The impact of COVID-19 on Hamilton sex workers by Rya Buckley
University-level dating during the pandemic by Adrian Salopek
Editorial
Relationship wars: who needs a boyfriend when you have a sister? by Nina Sartor
Humans of McMaster: Morghen Jael by Esther Liu
What does it mean to be a man? by Sarah Lopes Sadafi
Sil Time Capsule: Students on the importance of sex education by Nisha Gill
Coming out as nonbinary by Fran O'Donnell
Self-acceptance takes time by Samantha McBride
The stories close to our hearts by Nisha Gill
Eight queer, sex-positive accounts to follow on Instagram by Subin Park
Art featured from various artists
Food Flavoured Love, a poem by Serena Habib
Eight cozy virtual date ideas by Tracy Huynh
Thoughts from an Indian emigrant on arranged marriages by Sharang Sharma
Lessons from my sister: kaleidoscope of love by Niko Haloulos
Humanity Switch? I wish. by Serena Habib
Sil Sit Down with Dr. Iman Benerji by Urszula Sitarz
Finding Comfort in the Little Things by Nisha Gill
Define your own beauty by Krishihan Sivapragasam
How pelvic floor physiotherapy can help with sexual dysfunction
The Silhouette sat down with McMaster University graduate and currently licensed physical therapist Dr. Iman Banerji to discuss pelvic floor physiotherapy and how it can help folks experiencing pain or discomfort with sex.
Banerji graduated from McMaster in 2017 with a bachelor of science and is now a pelvic and orthopedic physical therapist working in North Carolina after graduating from Duke University in 2020. Banerji always knew that she wanted to be in healthcare.
“I was always told as a child of immigrants that I need to become a doctor, but I never really thought about what that meant until I was actually in the thick of undergrad thinking about grad school,” said Banerji. “I started looking into other different realms of healthcare, other ways that I could be part of the healthcare team and combine my love for human connection and science with being a health care provider and upon looking into it a little bit more I realized that physiotherapy was actually more so the path that I wanted to take.”
“I started looking into other different realms of healthcare, other ways that I could be part of the healthcare team and combine my love for human connection and science with being a health care provider and upon looking into it a little bit more I realized that physiotherapy was actually more so the path that I wanted to take.”
When asked about how she became interested in pelvic floor therapy, Banerji said a friend brought her to a student-run pelvic health meeting where she learned about the different conditions and about the patient population.
She felt that through PFT, she could challenge the historical and present issue of women in healthcare not always being believed or taken seriously. She also wanted to be a healthcare provider for all genders.
“With pelvic floor physiotherapy there's a great chance to work with the trans population, who also has a very difficult time navigating the healthcare system, unfortunately. Again, I wanted to be a part of that and I wanted to be a healthcare provider that was inclusive to all genders,” explained Banerji.
The pelvic muscles are an important part of urinary and digestive health as they support the bladder and bowels. They also play an important role in sexual dysfunction.
“So if you are having pelvic pain or pain with sex, sometimes these muscles can be the root of the cause. [If] you notice that insertion or penetration or ejaculation or arousal or anything of the kind feels a little bit painful, the culprit could actually be your pelvic floor muscles,” explained Banerji.
PFT can help reduce pain and increase pleasure in sex through both emotional components and physical exercises. Banerji stressed that consent is essential in all physiotherapy and with consent, a physiotherapist may conduct a pelvic floor assessment to understand and intervene with the pain.
“We can see if your pain is reproduced and if it is, can we do some type of manual intervention to the pelvic floor to see if it can calm down and relax a little bit more, if we can relieve some of that pain . . . we find ways to exercise the pelvic floor in such a way that it can relax and lengthen and not feel so painful on its own. So, there [are] many different strategies and many different techniques that we can use to help reduce pain,” said Banerji.
PFT relieves pain through a multi-modal approach. Banerji emphasized that physiotherapy is holistic and often includes an acknowledgement of the different factors that contribute to pain, including past experiences and trauma.
“I like to take an approach of: I’m your physical therapist and your guide, so I’m not here to fix you or change you or anything like that,” said Banerji.
“I like to take an approach of: I’m your physical therapist and your guide, so I’m not here to fix you or change you or anything like that,” said Banerji.
Part of this approach includes working to help her patients feel that they have a bit more control in their lives. She does a lot of education with patients to both help them understand their bodies and to empower them.
Stigma, shame and systemic factors around sexuality and sexual dysfunction can contribute to patients feeling disempowered or prevent them from seeking care.
People with vaginas are often socialized to believe that pain with sex is inevitable, prioritizing a heteronormative and patriarchal notion that sex is only about men’s pleasure.
“I also think a lot of people don't entirely know who to tell, which is why I love conversations like this. The more people can learn that you don't have to deal with painful sex, this is not a forever thing, you can actually go to someone who can help you, I think can be really empowering and really exciting for a lot of people. I'm going to be very blunt but sex should not be painful, it shouldn't. Really, it should be consensual and it should be fun and it should be pleasing and all these things, but it should not be painful,” said Banerji.
When asked what she would say to folks experiencing shame with their pain or sexual dysfunction, Banerji promised that no providers will judge or make you feel embarrassed.
“For anyone who is thinking about going down this route, it's okay if you're not ready. Not everyone is ready to be part of the journey of being in pelvic PT. It is very personal and it's very intimate for a lot of people and not everybody is ready for that and that's okay. But, if some of the things that I talked about could potentially resonate with you, just know that there are pelvic-specific physios out there who would be more than happy to help you, with your symptoms whenever you are ready,” said Banerji.
Banerji explained that while PFT can be an important pain management tool for many, it may not be the only treatment. She also explained that though it may take some time to find a physiotherapist that you feel comfortable with, it’s worth it.
“This is not just you. There's nothing wrong with you. This is just something that you're experiencing, but it is not a defining factor of who you are and there are things that we can do about it together,” said Banerji.
Physiotherapy is direct access in Canada and the United States, meaning you do not need a referral from a physician and can reach out to a pelvic health physiotherapist directly.
