The intersections between love, sex, health and the facets of our identities
Intersectionality is an inevitable result of the fact that people’s identities are multidimensional. A term coined by law professor and advocate Kimberlé Crenshaw, intersectionality reflects how different aspects of who we are — from race to gender, sexual orientation to religion and disability to socioeconomic status — influence our lived experiences. In recognition of this fact and to honour these stories, we have asked our communities to share how identities intersect and shape our unique encounters with love, sex and health in this year’s Sex and the Steel City.
Growing up in a rather conservative South Korean household, I rarely engaged in conversations around love, sex and health, particularly mental health, with my family. I recall talking my mom about what I learned during health class in elementary school. The look of alarm and shock on her face when I said the word, masturbation, in front of her for the first time forbid me from saying it again so openly. In another instance when I was visiting family in South Korea, my dad shot me a sharp, disapproving frown at my spaghetti strap tank top. I remember a wave shame took over as he told me to go change into something more appropriate for a young girl.
Developing a healthy relationship and mindset around love, sex and health took a long time, especially as I learned to accept our differences and overcome my family’s cultural views and biases around these conversations. It probably wasn’t until my senior years of high school when I began to speak more vulnerably about my experiences with these topics. It was all due to the friends, teachers and communities that taught me not be afraid to speak up and made me feel validated.
This is why spaces like Sex and the Steel City where people can freely and openly share stories and deliberate on these so-called taboo topics are important. This year’s theme, intersectionality, was inspired in part by my upbringing and experiences but also in recognition of the fact many others also understand how different systems of oppression and aspects of identity affect how we view relationships, sexuality and well-being.
This issue is home to intimate, perhaps what many may consider controversial, special stories. I want to thank everyone, including the Silhouette staff, who contributed their perspective, artwork and narratives to create this wonderful issue. I’m honoured and grateful for the folks who entrusted me and gave me permission to share their thoughts and experiences with the rest of the McMaster community.
To you, dear reader, I hope this issue can serve as a space to explore, (un)learn and reimagine what love, sex and health can look and feel like. There aren’t enough pages in this issue to capture all the different stories of intersectionality and love and I acknowledge there are missing voices in this issue. However, I hope you find and resonate with at least one memorable artwork, image, article, sentence or word while reading this issue — I hope we made an impact on you. Additionally, if you see a gap in the missing pages that you can fill;, it’s also not too late to contribute to us.
The Student Wellness Center strives to make sure students can be their healthiest selves possible.
The Student Wellness Centre is the best place to go on campus for anything regarding health and wellness, with their variety of services ranging from mental health counselling to medical care.
An integral part of the SWC are the health promoters who work hard to ensure that students have access to the resources they need to be their healthiest selves.
One of these health promoters is Madison Behr. Working with students has been a rewarding experience for Behr. Her primary role consists of focusing on sexual health and substance abuse programming. This role has allowed a lot of creativity and cooperation with other departments, giving her the opportunity to interact with others. She explained some of her favourite people to work with are the work-study students and the volunteer with the Wellness Outreach Teams.
Working with students has been a rewarding experience for Behr. Her primary role consists of focusing on sexual health and substance abuse programming. This role has allowed a lot of creativity and cooperation with other departments, giving her the opportunity to interact with others.
Behr described the various tasks with her role, including meeting with students and departments to organize and host events, interacting with students on campus and creating health promotion campaigns.
Recently, the SWC has launched the #SexTalkTuesday campaign on social media to answer questions from students about sexual health and their Free Flow program, which gives out free menstrual products to students. Along with these programs, the SWC also has drop-in programs which hand out free condoms and lubes for students to practice safe sex.
Behr aspires for students to find the SWC to be a safe and accommodating space to go when they need any type of health support.
“I hope students will walk away knowing that they are cared for and that there are people on campus who are here to help if they are ever in need . . .[and] that there is a safe space for them at the SWC where they can feel comfortable and welcomed,” she said.
“I hope students will walk away knowing that they are cared for and that there are people on campus who are here to help if they are ever in need . . .[and] that there is a safe space for them at the SWC where they can feel comfortable and welcomed,”
Madison Behr, SWC Health Promoter
Behr also wanted to ensure students know to come to the SWC to access any services they need, especially for sexual health. The Wellness Lounge are also available as a free space for students to use. This space is also the base where health promoters operate if students wish to contact them.
The SWC is a great place to visit for any student’s health needs. Behr and her team at SWC want students to take advantage of the free resources and services they offer. If any students find themselves in need of health advice and assistance, the SWC health promoters hope that their organization is the first thing to come to mind, while doing their best to help make university life easier with their programs and initiatives.
C/O Travis Nguyen
Students reflect on their relationship with their body throughout the COVID-19 pandemic
Since the COVID-19 pandemic began in March 2020, many people have reported increasingly negative body image. The Silhouette discussed body image over the past two years with some students at McMaster University.
Serena Habib, a student at McMaster, discussed the many negative conversations surrounding body image that took place online over lockdown periods.
“There was just a lot of public discourse around, like, how we're always sitting at our desks and getting snacks and I thought that was a lot of unnecessary pressure on people,” said Habib.
Despite this, Habib said that her body image improved over the course of the pandemic due to the communities that she found on social media. Habib recognized that this was not the case for everyone, noting that other people may have found less supportive communities online.
“[The pandemic] gave me the time to be able to explore body positivity on Instagram and podcasts that really helped with body image and with taking care of [my] physical and mental health, which I don't know if I would have gotten to do if it wasn't for having that time to myself over the pandemic,”
Serena Habib
Sarah Coker, another student at McMaster, also reported experiencing more positive body image after the pandemic. The pandemic helped Coker’s body image because when gyms closed, she began to explore other forms of exercise that felt better for her. Coker, who was diagnosed with anorexia in 2016, stated that, prior to the pandemic, she found herself overusing the gym.
“Now I just like to go on a lot of walks and listen to podcasts and go out more in nature and [I] do it just because I want to and it feels good for my body, rather than having to be like ‘Okay, I need to get like this [and] do all these reps and sets,’” explained Coker.
As well, Coker explained that she has lost some muscle since the start of the pandemic and that her time away from the gym made her appreciate the strength that she had built up.
"[Being] female and being powerful and strong . . . [The pandemic] made me miss that and I hope I can get back to that eventually,” said Coker.
McMaster student Ekta Mishra also reflected on how the pandemic made her place more value on her physical strength. Mishra noted that, prior to the pandemic, she was far more concerned about how others would view her appearance. However, being in isolation allowed Mishra to redefine beauty standards for herself.
“[Body image] had to do a lot with exercise and how I wanted my muscles to look and what I felt was acceptable and feminine. [T]hat became something that I got to decide for myself, rather than something that other people [and their] reactions would decide . . . Not facing the scrutiny of the people around you every single day makes a difference in how you begin to perceive yourself,” said Mishra.
On the other hand, McMaster student Sadie Macdonald stated that when the pandemic first began, it impacted her body image very negatively.
“There was a lot of time and I was like what else am I going to do? I might as well focus on what I look like. . . So that wasn't good. I found myself slipping into [not] a disorder of any sort but definitely disordered thinking patterns and behaviors,”
Sadie Macdonald
Macdonald said that she found herself exercising excessively and failing to eat breakfast. However, Macdonald said that she caught herself slipping into unhealthy thinking patterns and made an effort to view her body more positively. She added that during the second lockdown, she was quarantining with a friend and she had developed a much healthier relationship with exercise.
Although she was still exercising a lot, she was doing activities that she enjoyed, such as going on long bike rides. She stated that because she was exercising for fun, she was not focusing on her appearance.
“I shouldn't see moving my body as a means to an end in that way. [Exercise] should have value in itself because it makes me feel good and if it's not making me feel good then I don't think I'm doing it right,”
Sadie Macdonald
For her, focusing on body neutrality through the pandemic was more valuable than focusing on body positivity.
“Looking in the mirror and being like ‘wow, you're beautiful today’ doesn't help me as much as being like ‘you're so much more interesting than that; you don't even need to look in the mirror today’,” said Macdonald.
Neha Shah, the director of the McMaster Students Union Women and Gender Equity Network, discussed the strengths of the body neutrality movement, explaining that it does more to address systemic issues than body positivity.
Shah also explained that another aspect of COVID-19 body image is the impact that the pandemic has had on the ability of transgender and gender nonconforming individuals to present in a way that is comfortable for them.
“For a lot of students, quarantining at home has made things difficult for them; being able to express themselves in the way that feels right to them is maybe not safe for them at home or just not as comfortable,” explained Shah.
In order to combat this by providing students with gender affirming items and to provide students with sexual health items, WGEN began an initiative last year to provide students with gift cards to access these items.
“Last year, my predecessor and the former director of [the Student Health Education Centre] collaborated to create a program called collective care, which is our peer-run resource distribution program that is able to run virtually. How it works is students will request a gift card — we have a range of stores that we’re able to provide gift cards to — of a certain amount and indicate why they need it and then we're able to send out these e-gift cards anonymously to them,” said Shah.
Body image can be tricky to navigate and is ultimately a unique experience for every individual. With all the challenges that the pandemic has posed, the relationship that each person has with their own body can change in both positive and negative ways. However, when we support one another in our communities, we can help alleviate some of the stressors around feeling comfortable in our own skin.
C/O Jessica Yang
By accepting our individual connections, we can ensure we’re building our relationships on an honest foundation
Expectations regarding our relationships are extremely prevalent in society — especially during our post-secondary years. It is natural to see young couples posting about each other on social media, attending parties together and willingly sharing their partnership status with others. However, sometimes our personal relationships fail to follow this pattern.
We need to learn to accept our unique and individual connections and not be pressured to fit into “relationship molds.” Doing so will ensure we are bringing our most authentic selves into our relationships and building their foundations on the basis of honesty and integrity.
Anyone with an Instagram or Snapchat account will tell you they often see couples put each other’s initials in their bios, share posts about their happy times and be carefree in sharing such details. These behaviors are so widespread that they feel like the ‘norm’ and what we have to do to for our relationship to be considered ‘normal’ in society. Placing such general expectations on our intimate relationships can do more harm than good.
We are each distinct and unique individuals and that is what we should be bringing into our relationships. If a person was not fond of social media before entering a relationship, but now feels as though they have to in order to meet society’s standards, the truth within such a union is belittled. Changing or sacrificing one’s own values because of one’s perception of society’s expectations is almost always detrimental, especially when another person, especially one close to you, is involved. If we are not being honest with ourselves about who we are and then share that version with others, we only get farther away from our invaluable individuality.
So, while it can be fun and completely acceptable to follow through with trends, one shouldn’t be judged if they choose not to do so. Especially while dating as young students: it’s okay to want to have a ‘date night in’ rather than going out to a student house party. It’s also okay to not want to share who you’re with and keep that private aspect of your life to yourself.
At the end of the day, your relationships are all your own and you are not obligated to share that with anybody but yourself.
Keeping true to these values can also help to maintain the authenticity of a relationship by not compromising its honesty and integrity — honesty and integrity that is essential to the relationship’s foundation. Instead of sharing the version of yourself that society expects of you, you are sharing the real you. It can be hard to understand what we really value when we’re surrounded by a multitude of tools that distort perception, especially in the media: filters, photoshop and being selective of what one posts paints an inaccurate portrait of reality. However, finding our true self — or even aspects of it — is invaluable and we should protect it from inconsistent external expectations as much as possible. This way, we stay honest to ourselves alongside maintaining sincere connections in our life.
In sum, trying to fit into a mold our aesthetic-driven society has created is only detrimental to ourselves and our most personal, intimate relationships. We should celebrate who we are as individuals and refrain from changing ourselves simply because we live in new or different circumstances. Be who you want to be, date how you want, share how you want (or if you want) and cherish your own relationships in a way that aligns with what you and your partner individually desire.
C/O Yoohyun Park
How social media has been fuelling eating disorders and body image issues
cw: eating disorders, body dysmorphia, body image, self-harm
With today’s society being submerged in a world of social media that advertises bodies that are considered “norms,” it can be quite easy for one to feel down about their appearance. Today, it is not a shock when young teens decide to undergo procedures such as lip injections that are supposedly meant to look “natural.”
It begs the question: how can one be confident in their own body? We are constantly surrounded by images of individuals with body types that may be unachievable.
For example, the current ideal for a woman’s appearance is deemed as someone with big lips, a tiny nose, long hair, thin waist and an hourglass figure. And don’t forget — men need to be jacked, tall and strong.
In my own experience, it’s been interesting seeing the norms change in the media throughout the years. First, we had the Tumblr phase, in which eating disorders, self-harm and anorexia were considered the norm.
It was a competition of who had it worse and whoever did was the most “beautiful.” These were the standards around the same time I was in middle school.
Then Instagram came in. At first, it was lighthearted but as the years went on, it became more toxic.
With the rising popularity of editing apps such as FaceTune, it can become immensely difficult to discern what is real and what is fake.
Popular Instagram models and the Kardashian family have set a “norm” for what beautiful women should look like, even though their beauty may have been attained through personal training and cosmetic surgery.
Due to these overbearing images and social norms, the terms body positivity and body neutrality have become more and more prominent.
In a broad sense, body positivity is loving all bodies, no matter their size, race or anything in-between. Body neutrality is accepting your body — recognizing its remarkable abilities and non-physical characteristics instead of focusing on your physical appearance alone.
For example, let’s say I’m talking about my thighs. From a body positivity perspective, I love my thighs, cellulite and all. From a body neutrality lens, I would simply love my thighs because they help me walk.
While these terms have become more common and helped many, they’ve also negatively affected some people. The body positivity trend has also led to negative consequences such as skinny shaming, which need to be avoided if we truly desire to treat all bodies equally.
Our society also needs to understand that a certain body isn’t the picture of health and having another body type doesn’t mean you’re inherently unhealthy.
Being healthy is allowing yourself to eat what you’d like while balancing a lifestyle that allows you to receive all the nutrients you need. It’s learning how to take care of your mind and body. It’s creating healthy habits.
And it is okay to not love certain things.
It takes time — a lifetime, really. But be patient with yourself and the world and notice all the things that you were given, notice what they do and appreciate them. Practice gratitude towards yourself and others and everything else will slowly follow.
The Silhouette: Please introduce yourselves.
Hilary Menezes: My name is Hilary Menezes. I'm a third-year student at McMaster and I'm currently pursuing an English and cultural studies degree with a minor in political science and a certificate in leadership.
Madison Menezes: I'm Madison and I'm in my second year of mechanical and biomedical engineering.
Please elaborate on the Love Packs project.
HM: Love Packs was started in the pandemic around Valentine's Day last year . . . We realized that there are a lot of people who are super generous and donate around Christmas time and holiday season. But, moving into the new year, we realized that there weren't really many supports for those facing homelessness or abuse [and] in shelters . . . So, when my work hosted a goal funder, we came up with Love Packs. When we were stuck at home during the pandemic, we wanted to pick up something actionable. That was the main driving force. Just hearing about the reactions of all of the women and children and homeless folks that we provided for inspired us to continue it to be more than a one-time initiative. We ended up getting to do another one in the summer and now we're taking it into 2022.
MM: Just thinking about the degree of how much more difficult the pandemic is for someone living in a shelter was also part of my reason for wanting to really help. We just wanted to make sure that we could provide them with things that they could use day to day and then also other gifts that would make them happier.
HM: To add on, something kind of unique about Love Packs is we tried to go beyond things like toilet paper, deodorant, toothbrushes and toothpaste. We provide that but we also try to include little gifts. We wanted to give people things that they might consider to be luxuries and might not have access to. These are actual people who deserve to be celebrated. So, we had the opportunity last year to give some fun gifts like makeup, snack packs and different kinds of fancy coffees and teas. We had Starbucks donate some fancy coffee. We really try to incorporate that into our philosophy of not only just giving the essentials but trying to go a little bit above and beyond that.
Could you guys talk a little bit more about the Love Packs team?
HM: Last year we did it with just the two of us in our basement. Especially with COVID, it was one of the things where we thought that we can't get more hands because at that point, vaccines weren't so much a thing and cases were through the roof. Still, it was great to see so many people text me. We even had some friends from middle school who we hadn't talked to in five years offer donations. It was cool to see people helping in that capacity. Even then, two or three of my close friends and our parents helped us transport different things when we had super large donations or for the final trip when we brought everything to the shelters. Our communities helped out a lot and we were so grateful. That inspired us to make it bigger this year and grow the team. We’re gaining some traction and are actively recruiting volunteers right now. In fact, we just hired our [executive] team because we want to grow this to reach out to more people this year and give Love Packs to more people.
How have you guys been feeling about just the General McMaster community then? And I guess the communities that you've been interacting with as a whole
MM: I started at McMaster without really having been on campus. But I found it fascinating even with online learning. It's just a really welcoming environment and I definitely found a lot of people who are happy to connect. We've even had one of the local doughnut shops, Donut Monster, donate to our project. It was just really nice to see people in Hamilton contributing as well.
HM: It's been amazing to see how many people from McMaster have either donated to us or businesses have supported us. Actually, the guy who drove the doughnuts from Donut Monster to our home in Mississauga, I met him through mock trial at McMaster. So, I had only known him for maybe not even a year through meetings once a week. But he still said that he'd do it. It was great to see how people are so willing to help out.
C/O Jessica Yang
Holding space for the stories closest to our hearts
One of the first articles I wrote for the Silhouette was for the 2020 Sex and the Steel City issue. As I struggled to come up with an idea, I remember feeling daunted and underqualified to tackle the topics at the heart of the issue. I agonized over that article, rewriting it half a dozen times before I got a draft I was even remotely happy with. But after, I also appreciated the space writing that article offered me to think about the questions of love, intimacy and relationships—and then the space the issue offered to read the stories and thoughts of others as well.
Just like that early article, I’ve agonized over this issue, too. When I started planning it, I felt just as daunted and underqualified as I did before. Sex and the Steel City is a unique special issue, close to the hearts of so many people and I wanted to do justice to that, but I didn’t know what I had to bring to the issue.
And I kept thinking about the space that first article gave me, the spaces I’ve strived to offer interviewees as a reporter and my writers as an editor, and I thought about the unique, wonderful safety inherent in community — in a space where you are free to not only be yourself but also able to even just figure out who you are to begin with, without having to worry about protecting yourself or the expectations of others and knowing you have people in your corner who see you and will support you.
This same sense of safety, of community, is a key part of Sex and the Steel City. It’s what allows this issue to offer the space it does to not only its contributors to share the stories closest to their hearts, but also to its readers to feel seen and heard, to know they are not alone. In this year’s issue, we’ve tried to honour the importance of community, highlight the ones that have built us up as well as those we’ve built through love, intimacy and relationships.
Sex and the Steel City is a community project, a true labour of love. Thank you to everyone who contributed to this issue, who shared their stories and their artwork; it has been a privilege to hear your stories over these past few weeks. Thank you to everyone on staff who wrote for and created and organized this issue. This will be the largest issue of the Silhouette to date and it wouldn’t have been possible without you.
For everyone who reads this issue, though, I hope you feel some of that same sense of community, too. I hope you can see yourself somewhere in these pages, even if it’s just in one image or one story, and know you are not alone.
But if you don’t, because I also know there are stories missing from the pages of this issue, stories still to be told, I hope you know there is still space for you here, just as you are. I like to think that’s why we do this issue every year, so everyone has a chance to tell their story.
C/O Cee, Unsplash
These local Hamilton bakeries have Valentine’s Day Menus sure to make your day extra sweet!
Whether you are craving some comfort, looking for the perfect gift or just want to spread some love to friends and family, you can never go wrong with delicious desserts. Here are some bakeries with Valentine’s Day treats meant to bring love and care with their beauty and scrumptiousness.
Cake + Loaf Bakery
Instagram: @cakeandloafbakery
Located in the Kirkendall North neighbourhood of Hamilton, this is your one-stop sugar cookie shop with a number of sweet options on their Valentine’s menu, including “We Belong Together Like” sugar cookies. Iced in pink or teal with white cursive on top, these heart-shaped sugar cookies are showcase your choice from the 15 most popular food duos over the years such as avocado and toast or peanut butter and jelly. Alternatively, you can create custom cookies with any two names to create your own iconic duo!
If you are looking for an activity to do on your own or with a partner, you can paint your own Valentine’s Day cookies with two blank sugar cookies, two cookie paint-palettes and two paintbrushes.
Cake + Loaf Bakery has vegan options as well, including chocolate heart peek-a-boo sandwich cookies filled with pink icing shown through a heart-shaped window and covered in a dark chocolate drizzle and sprinkles.
Li’s Sweets & Treats
Instagram: @lissweetsntreats
Li’s Sweets & Treats delivers to Hamilton and surrounding areas and has a Valentine’s Day Special with options that look absolutely delicious! If you are searching for a small budget-friendly gift or want lots of variety already pre-packaged for you, this shop is ideal.
You can order a small box with chocolate covered strawberries, or a medium box with chocolate covered strawberries and red velvet truffles. Lianna’s large boxes have iced sugar cookies, soft sugar cookies, red velvet cookies, chocolate covered strawberries and red velvet truffles. However, if you only want cookies, you can get a dozen cookies for $20, choosing from red velvet, iced sugar cookies, soft sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies with hearts and shaped chocolate chips.
Perrella Cakes
@perrellacakes
Cookies, cookies and more cookies! Perella Cakes is a custom cake maker and decorate in Hamilton and has the cutest Valentine’s Day cookies.
If you want hearts, you can have single hearts, pairs of hearts together, or a heart struck by an arrow. Perella also has lettered cookies that spell out love, accompanied by hearts and sets of heart-shaped cookies with little messages for your Valentine including “Be Mine”, “I Love You” and “Hugs.”
For more detail, Perella can draw different images on her cookies, for example a lobster saying, “You’re My Lobster,” or a cookie with a sandwich and the phrase, “I love you more than Joey loves food” for the Friends fans out there.
For family and friends, there are also Valentine’s Day Decorate Your Own Cookie Kits with 12 heart-shaped sugar cookies, four colours of royal icing and six varieties of decorations.
Dolled Up Desserts
Instagram: @dolledupdessertsbaking
My housemate’s personal favourite, Dolled Up Desserts is a gluten free and vegan bakery in downtown Hamilton. Their Valentine’s day menu is open for pre-orders, including choices that are classic and unique and some surprises still to come. They have Valentine’s Sprinkle Sugar Cookies, Black Forest Cake Brownies, Red Velvet Oreo Cheesecake Blondies and Buttermilk Scones. With weekly rotating flavours, their Vegan Heart Macarons have seasonal flavours including candy cane two tone, gingerbread and vanilla snowmen. They also freeze well. After all, why should Valentine’s Day occur only once a year?
Furthermore, the Valentine’s cake flavours at this bakery are truly one-of-a-kind, from coconut passionfruit, earl grey blackberry and chocolate raspberry to a customizable macaron cake.
This is a great option to suit many dietary needs but make sure to check the ingredients if you or your Valentine has a nut allergy.
What does it mean to love when you feel lost?
By: Aadhila Nadira, Contributor
In Western movies, the story flows perfectly. The cushioned Caucasian teenager realizes he loves his best friend and they come out happily with outrageous shows of acceptance.
For me, there are three key moments that explain my coming out story. A film critic would give me a 1/5 star for allowing the problem to be drawn out for so long.
The first was at age nine, when my parents took me to New York City. Two men had walked by my family. They were almost exactly like my fathers — age, style of clothing and height. Theoretically, they should’ve been insignificant, two in a crowd of so many. The only difference was their hands were linked, bodies huddled together.
What had stood out to me at age nine though was the unmistakable look my parents gave them. The weight of the stare had felt personal — as if I was being scolded.
That was the first time I’d seen people like me.
The second was at age eleven, in a girl's change room. There were thirty girls scattered around the unusually small room with a constant stream of noise — that is until the words “I’m bisexual” echo through the room. It’s the first time I hear of such a thing. It was also the first time my mom heard of it. My mom had fixed me with a look, one I had seen at age nine, and told me to avoid hanging out with her. Her justification was that the girl may “give it” to me if I did.
That was the first time I had hoped it was only my parent who would look at me like that.
The third was at age thirteen, in science class. My friend told me she’d finally found a boy she liked. But she wouldn’t tell me his name, not until I’d tell her the name of the boy I liked. In a strange moment of bravery, I’d told my friend her name. She pretended as if it was totally normal until she told my classmates. She said it was because “people deserved to know before they like you.”
That was the first time I’d realized that I would always be looked at like that.
Quite honestly, the stare my mom (and classmates) had given me had worked. Back then, I had believed that I was truly a flawed person and that this was all a test. If I could ignore it then I would be loved wholly by those around me. I had fit the rigid mold I told myself I loved.
This need to suppress held me hostage through my teenage years.
I kissed boys I felt indifferent towards and cut out the girl who had kissed me softly. I’d watched her move cities and then schools and thought it was a blessing from God. Once again I had gently applied another bandage on the cracks that had become a gaping hole.
It was a month after my eighteenth birthday when I told my newly made university friends I thought a girl in our cohort was undeniably cute. I’m not entirely sure why I told them, I suspect because at that point they were all pixelated profiles in a group chat. I reasoned that they wouldn’t tell my community about the thoughts I had. What threw me was that they all told me to message her, that I wouldn’t know how it would turn out unless I let myself reach out.
Despite all the comfort, I had been conditioned to think it was all a big test, that if I indulged then I would once again lose the little friends I had. So, with all the shame I held within myself for voicing my true thoughts, I had begun talking to a boy who likely regarded me poorly. I told all my friends back home and in Hamilton, desperate to prove that I was in fact keeping to my mold. I didn't want to break.
It was when my friends began to show subtle waves of support, trying their best to show their love without overwhelming me, that I let myself hope that maybe I could be myself. Until the age of nineteen, I had truly believed the entire world hated people that loved beyond the binary.
The way in which I was raised has, and will always, define a part of me. It’s the way I choose to wield it that defines what I can become. I’m still trying to understand the power of it all, taking it one day at a time. Sometimes not every story starts with understanding identity. Sometimes stories are started by letting yourself truly feel openly.
C/O Mike Highfield
Nim Agalawatte introduces Sounds Gay!, a new queer-dedicated musical space
It is no secret the city of Hamilton lacks dedicated queer spaces. The 2018 assessment of Hamilton’s 2SLGBTQIA+ community, Mapping the Void, found many did not feel a strong sense of queer belongingness in the city and wanted to see more initiatives.
In the early 2000s and mid-2010s, the Hamilton core was home to several gay bars: The Embassy, The Werx, Rainbow Lounge, M Bar, The Windsor and The Steel Lounge. However, all of them have since closed their doors.
To help fill the void, new queer-focused spaces have been slowly appearing in the past few years, including Queer Outta Hamilton, House of Adam and Steve and Fruit Salad.
One of the latest queer-friendly spaces in the city is Sounds Gay!, a live music performance event hosted by Nim Agalawatte, which had its first event in November 2021 and second in December 2021.
Sounds Gay! aims to fill a gap in the current queer space landscape. There is no denying gay bars and nightclubs play an integral role in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. Historically, these places served as safe havens for queer individuals. However, it is also important to recognize the need for more low-pressure inclusive spaces.
“The main reason I started [Sounds Gay!] was I was noticing a lot of queer events were focused on dancing or drag shows and it wasn’t very much like music performance stuff,”
Nim Agalawatte
Agalawatte is a Hamilton-based musician, bassist and synth player for the Basement Revolver, 2SLGBTQIA+ advocate and member of the Hamilton Music Advisory Team. They became more aware of the gap after performing as part of Hamilton Pride last year and being one of two non-drag performances.
The positive response to both events of Sounds Gay! reaffirmed the need for diverse queer spaces. Attendees appreciated the friendliness and how welcoming the space was. Tickets were made more accessible as well by using a sliding scale ticket system. Upcoming Sounds Gay! dates have not been planned yet due to the rise in COVID-19 cases, however, Agalawatte is looking forward to continuing them this year.
For Agalawatte, not only was their opportunity to perform affected by the pandemic, but they also lost an important part of their support system.
“A lot of months, I’ve been out of work which kind of does two things: one, not having my regular schedule and things I’m often working on and two, not being able to be around people who often gives you drive and support. I’ve definitely felt down periods and found it hard to motivate myself to work on music,” said Agalawatte.
However, they noted interesting opportunities and new forms of community also arose out of the lockdowns and the pandemic. Agalawatte was able to work on new music remotely with Shanika Maria, queer Black singer-songwriter, for her new recording project Shn Shn. Digital spaces have also become a new place of community gathering.
“I find there has been a light within the pandemic where people, because they’ve been extra lonely or maybe feel more isolated, have found newer forms of community. There [are] a lot of people reaching out on social media or finding each other through the internet and musicians from different parts of the country are also quite connected,” said Agalawatte.
While continuing to create more safe queer events in Hamilton through Sounds Gay!, Agalawatte hopes to support new musicians in Hamilton and open opportunities for those who have not had access to a comfortable and safe stage. Currently, they are promoting their band’s latest album, Embody, and continuing to work on their solo music as well.
