Truthfully, I have no taste.
I eavesdrop conspicuously on every ANDY meeting, sitting not-so-silently from my desk, trying to acquire some artistic and cultural knowledge by osmosis.
But so far, it has not been successful.
At the end of the day, I still like bad horror films.
Sure, well-produced, intelligent thrillers are great, don’t get me wrong: I love a good scary movie.
But I adore a bad one. The predictable plots, the clichéd camera trickery, and the truly atrocious acting. For years now, I have been on the hunt for the kitschiest horror film the internet can bring me, and my search has not been in vain. Here, for you, is a list of the best worst scary movies my mind has not repressed over time, scored arbitrarily because I can’t decide what I love most:
(For those of you that genuinely want to be scared, I recommend The Strangers or El Orfanato (The Orphanage), to be watched alone in an empty, darkened house with a cranky heating system.)
The Stepfather (2009) – 12% on Rotten Tomatoes – I’ve-watched-it-four-times
In a misguided attempt for originality, the movie begins by divulging the identity of the killer to the audience. The storyline is, as a result, fantastically predictable and the murders themselves, while varied, are uninventive.
When a Stranger Calls (2006) – 9% on Rotten Tomatoes – 4 out of 10 stairs
Do not run up the stairs. That is never a good idea. The killer can, and will, grab your ankles. Come on.
It (1990) –64% on Rotten Tomatoes – 1 out of 2 parts
One among many Stephen King novels brought to the screen, this was initially released as a mini-series, but I watched It as a two-sided DVD. The scariest part of the movie is an unfortunately memorable make-out scene.
Red Riding Hood (2011) – 11% on Rotten Tomatoes – 3 quarters of a waxing moon
Directed by Catherine Hardwicke, the director of Twilight. That is all.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – 15% on Rotten Tomatoes – 5 out of 5 rake-fingers
This remake earned an impressive 80 per cent lower than the original. I can’t decide whether this is because the acting is so bad or because – no. Never mind. I can decide. It’s the acting.
Jennifer’s Body (2009) – 43% on Rotten Tomatoes – 4 out of 5 points of the pentagram
This movie went out to be a film pandering to teenagers, and hit all the marks: a soundtrack of all pop-music, unimaginative humour and moderate necking. Not to mention the plot, which focused on the demonic possession of Megan Fox. Also her cleavage.
Prom Night (2008) – 8% on Rotten Tomatoes – 3 out of 4 wrist corsages
Yet another remake. But this time, not even the original was good. The characters are even less dimensional than actual prom-goers.
The Roommate (2011) – 4% on Rotten Tomatoes – 3 out of 5 stars
Rotten Tomatoes says “The Roommate isn’t even bad enough to be good,” but I wholeheartedly disagree. It is plenty bad enough. Only slightly less scary than an actual dorm experience, but at least it doesn’t last eight months.
Sleepaway Camp (1983) – 70% on Rotten Tomatoes – 6 sleeps out of 10
I don’t want to spoil anything, but this movie may or may not have the weirdest twist ending I have ever seen. To this day, I do not know whether this movie is a good horror movie, or a bad horror movie, based solely on this ending. I am so conflicted.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2009) – 20% on Rotten Tomatoes – 1 bird .gif out of 2
That’s right. Two bird .gifs. That is 100% of the movie’s special effects. I guess it makes sense though when you consider they apparently only had enough budget for one camera. And a tripod on rent.
Hannibal (2001) – 39% on Rotten Tomatoes – 4 out of 5 fava beans
A sequel to one of my all-time favourites – Silence of the Lambs – this movie does it no justice. There is a scene with someone eating their own brain though, so that’s fun.
Paranormal Activity (2007) – 80% on Rotten Tomatoes – 7 ghosts out of who knows how many
A bit of a controversial choice on a bad movies list, I know, but bear with me. The documentary style drags the movie to a crawl and the plot is non-existent. The only thing about this movie that scares me is that enough people felt it warranted three sequels.
Children of the Corn (2009) – no score on Rotten Tomatoes – 8 out of 10 kernels
A made-for-TV remake of a movie based on a Stephen King book: going in we know this is going to be good (and by good I of course mean awful). Though both fundamentalists and children are things that scare me, this movie did not. The creators inexplicably added a juvenile sex scene though, which was very unsettling.