CW: Biphobia, transphobia
Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears. For too long I’ve had to put up with the same bullshit. This little bi is here to set the record straight. Biphobia and bisexual erasure are a daily reality for bisexual and pansexual people alike. Even amongst the LGBTQ2SIA+ community, biphobia runs rampant. While I have noticed an improvement in recent years, there are still a number of myths about bi folks that remain. Let’s bust them.
Myth I: Bisexuality is transphobic
There is a common misconception that bisexuality is transphobic because it refers to attraction to only cisgender men and women. There are a number of reasons that this is wrong, but to begin with, trans and non-binary people can be bi.
“But Lauren, bi means two,” you say. “So you must only like men and women.”
Listen buddy, you’re being pedantic. Yes, technically the bi in bisexuality is meant to indicate an attraction to two genders. However, bisexuality was first recognized back when the idea of being transgender or non-binary was mostly rejected by Western society. At the time (and still, sometimes, today) society only recognized two genders. Our understanding of gender has evolved over time, and so has the definition of what it means to be bi.
It’s easy to say that bisexual folks are attracted to cis men and women, whereas pansexual folks are attracted to everything in between. It puts us into neat and tidy boxes. It’s easy to do that, but oh boy is it ever wrong. In my experience, the only difference between bi and pan is whatever label feels more comfortable to you. Personally, I just feel more comfortable with bi.
My sexuality isn’t limited to the definition of bisexuality, but it feels necessary for me to have that label in order to exist in a society that is defined by labels. My romantic and sexual orientation is messy and complex and trying to fit it into a neat and tidy box is like Cinderella’s stepsisters trying to fit their feet into the glass slippers. Just because it’s easier for you to say I’m only attracted to men and women doesn’t mean it’s true.
Myth I: BUSTED!
MYTH II: Bisexuals are confused
On one side of the biphobia coin is the idea that all bi folks are one step away from coming out as gay or lesbian. Yes, it’s true that some people will use bisexuality as a way to experiment with their sexuality and branch out. Hey, coming out sucks, and I absolutely understand people who want to get comfortable first. That doesn’t mean all bi and pan people are just deluding themselves, it just means that some people may not be comfortable coming out without a transition period.
The other side of this coin is the idea that bisexuals are actually just straight and are either confused or looking for attention. For a long time, I thought that I was just confused. I’ll be honest, I actually went back into the closet because I was convinced that other people were bi, but I was attracted to men so I guess I must be straight. I doubted my own damn sexuality, which is nonsense and ridiculous. No one should be made to feel that way.
Myth II: BUSTED!
Myth III: Bisexuals are promiscuous
Disclaimer before we get into this: I am NOT saying that it’s a bad thing to have sex. Have sex with as many or as few people as you want, I support you wholeheartedly! The thing that I do take issue with is people thinking that someone’s sexuality means that they want to sleep with you.Bisexuality is an identity, not an invitation.
Have you ever tried navigating a dating app as a bi person? There are three main camps of people you’ll run into. First, unicorn hunters. As a rule, this is a heterosexual couple looking for a threesome. As I’ve mentioned, it’s gross to assume that someone’s sexuality means they want to have sex with you. Buddy, it is not my fault that you can’t please your girlfriend on your own. Buy a vibrator and leave me out of it.
The second group is biphobic people that think that bi folks aren’t queer. I am so tired of the “you must be this gay to ride” trope. It’s a relationship, not a rollercoaster. I can’t believe I need to say this, but bi people aren’t inherently more likely to cheat on you than anyone else. Just because we’re attracted to more than one gender doesn’t mean we can’t commit to one person.
The third and final group is decent human beings who actually want to date you, bless their hearts.
Myth III: BUSTED!
Myth IV: Bisexuals in relationships have chosen a side”
There is an assumption that bi people in committed relationships have “decided” that they are gay or they are straight. This is so unspeakably invalidating. It makes me feel like I’m right back in the closet again. Not everyone is out here looking for a polyamorous relationship (although if you are, more power to you), some people just want to settle down with one person. That shouldn’t and doesn’t invalidate their identity. Your relationship status doesn’t define your sexuality.
Myth IV: BUSTED!
Sometimes I feel like people have forgotten what the B stands for in LGBTQ2SIA+. It’s not bananas, folks. A part of common human decency is to respect the way that people identify. I don’t need to justify my sexuality to anyone, and I shouldn’t have to. Neither should you. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
This article is part of our Sex and the Steel City, our annual sex-positive issue. Click here to read more content from the special issue.
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“Do you only date people from your own background?” my friend asked. I’d like to think the answer to that question is no. My partners have all been radically different from each other — in personality and appearance — and I’ve never been accused of having a “type,” but one thing I had never really thought about was that most of my partners so far have been white.
I’m not alone in my apparent habits. OKCupid data from 2009 to 2014 shows that the vast majority of members had either a preference or indifference towards dating someone from their own race. However, the data also shows us something a little bit nastier: 82 percent of heterosexual non-Black men said that they weren’t interested in being matched with Black women, and Asian and Black men were significantly less popular among heterosexual female users. This may be information from only one website, and for a set number of years, but it is indicative of wider trends in the way we approach our relationships.
It’s not terribly surprising that racism seeps into all aspects of our society, including our romance, but you might be wondering why your preferences are a big deal. Discriminating against someone in a job interview most likely has a larger impact on them than deciding not to ask them to dinner (also, if you aren’t interested in dating someone because of their race, I’m willing to bet that person isn’t all that interested in getting a meal with you anyway). However, we can’t say that racial preferences in romance have no effect whatsoever. In her article for Vice magazine about the experience of being a Black woman on Tinder, Eternity Martis talks about the impact that racism has on a user’s self esteem. Being hypersexualized, tokenized and fetishized from all angles when looking for a relationship understandably takes a toll on one’s feelings of self worth.
Martis is not alone in her experiences, which are unfortunately not uncommon. This begs the question: if our preferences are not random, and are instead part of larger societal trends, where do they come from? Some explanations might include evolutionary psychology, but if humans are programmed to be attracted to physical prowess and symmetry, why should this exclude People of Colour? Another explanation might be that we are interested in people from our own racial background, but if this was the case then we wouldn’t see specific discriminatory trends in dating patterns.
Instead the answer is exactly what you would expect: ubiquitous White supremacist beauty standards. We can see the ways this manifests in media representation. How often do we see Asian men as romantic leads in Hollywood blockbusters? On television shows, how often are Black women described as “the one”? When you can count the number of interracial couples in contemporary media on one hand, it starts to make sense why racism might make its way into our dating lives.
At this point you may be feeling insecure about your preference for brunettes, or wondering if you have been fetishizing that tall guy you see in the student center based on his height. Don’t fret. Having preferences is not the same thing as discriminatory dating. I’m not proposing that we should all date people we aren’t attracted to in order to prove a point, nor am I demanding that you change something you may have no control over such as what features you are attracted to. People in interracial relationships are not necessarily more enlightened than the rest of us, and people who date those from their own backgrounds are not necessarily more racist. What I’m asking instead is for us to take a step back, and look at our race-based preferences critically. Let’s demand better representation in our media, expect respectful interactions on dating websites, and think twice before we dismiss someone as “not our type.”
Photo Credit: AP Photo/Tsering Topgyal
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By: Beth Barr
One of my favourite family stories is how my grandparents met. They, literally, bumped heads over a microscope during undergraduate biology in the 1950s. Their story, although beautiful, is far too romantic and spontaneous for my over-stimulated brain. So I beg the question: where do we meet men and women to date?
It would seem that app developers around the world have leapt to our rescue. Why not put dating where we keep our music, schedules, alarm clocks, games, and light reading? For a generation dependent on cell phones for daily function and comfort, it only makes sense to tie dating into our virtual world. Right in your pocket, people across campus are using apps to “see” multiple people, changing the very nature of the dating game. Hook-up apps aside, the expediency of the dating app world puts hundreds of other people at the mercy of your swiping thumb — people you may have never interacted with otherwise.
It is a beautiful thing – opening your horizons and meeting new people can never be thought of in a negative way. But when we look at the quality of these interactions, what do we find? Quick and easy hook-ups are great; but how do you really get to know someone through a screen? What happened to the face- to-face struggles of dating and conveying who you are in the span of a date? When did our generation decide that the ease of detachedly sitting on the other end of a phone or computer was worth more than making a long-lasting, quality connection?
Let’s address an interesting question: can we, as intelligent young adults, successfully make the transition from a semi-detached virtual connection to an in-person one? How would we go about doing this? Might we chuck our phones out the window and run to the person with whom we’ve been sharing details of our lives? What if that person isn’t who they made themselves out to be? We’ve all heard of “Catfishing” over the Internet— heck, there are entire TV series on this topic.
Can we, as today’s youth, be comfortable and unashamed about using these apps? Most importantly, can we make these connections strong enough to sustain a new generation? Or will the next generation be the product of divorced/separated parents, whose love story is a lie conjured from the embarrassment of meeting on Tinder?
Okay, fine, maybe I am exaggerating in my anti-Tinder tirade. Perhaps these so-called hook-up platforms are nothing more than a silly game people play in their spare time. Maybe Tinder and similar mobile apps could be a platform for love at first sight? A medium that could facilitate the happy relationships and marriages of couples that were just meant to be? I am doubtful, but cannot say for sure. There are some people who dismiss apps like Tinder and other dating sites like OkCupid as not viable options for real relationships and we have all heard online dating horror stories, but maybe, there is a possibility to find love in a hopeless place.
Dating apps have been around for a while but they’ve become increasingly popular on university campuses. Only time will tell whether our generation will be the one of simple, spontaneous love, or just love for things that are overly simple and spontaneous.
Jennifer Bacher
The Silhouette
For the past week I have had the pleasure of trying out a dating app called Tinder. Tinder uses your Facebook information along with your location to match you with potential people in your location.
It shows your likes and five chosen photos from Facebook along with your age. Users can then set the minimum and maximum age, gender and the maximum radial distance away from their potential matches.
After the initial set up, you are then matched with people in your area and a simple “swipe” game of what is essentially “hot or not” begins. A match is made when both parties swipe a yes to each other, after which you are then allowed to chat with that person. What happens from there is up to you.
At first I was taken back from the over simplicity and vanity of Tinder but essentially this is what happens in any bar, club or party. You judge a person on their looks first, and if you say you don’t, you’re just lying to yourself.
Is it right? No, but it’s the truth. You “check out” first and if you like what you see, you go over and talk. If they do not return the attention, it’s over. This is exactly what Tinder is without the awkward denial.
Some words of advice for those of you who wish to use Tinder to find a hook-up (or relationship, miracles do happen):
