Six simple steps that will ensure you don’t die within the first thirty minutes

Horror movies always seem to star stupid people. Regardless of age, location or occupation, every starlet seems to think it’s a great idea to find shelter in an abandoned basement, investigate the screaming sound coming from the attic, or adopt that one creepy little orphan whose only protection is the Young Offenders Act. If this Hallowe’en you find yourself bewildered with a horror movie-esque attack, here are six steps that may help you make it all the way to the credits.

1)   Remove yourself from isolated areas

So you live on a farm? Move. Axe murderers tend to be drawn to lonely wooden structures and small town environments. Cornfields, abandoned asylums and wooded areas are a no-no. Keep to more densely populated city areas and travel in packs of 10 or more. If you cannot avoid being in an real viagra pharmacy prescription isolated area, have a car on hand to drive your ass the hell out of there in case of an emergency (preference for SUVs and Hummers).

2)   Don’t investigate weird sounds

If you hear a weird sound coming from the floor above you, CALL THE POLICE. I don’t care how many triathlons you’ve done or how badass you think you are, you are not equipped to battle a psychopath ghost living in your attic. You are not Scooby Doo, you are not Bill Murray, and you are not that lady from Long Island Medium, you are no match for the paranormal.

3)   Carry a charged cellphone

One of the luxuries of the twenty-first century is the easy access to portable electronic devices. Use your goddamn phone to call for help. You also want to make sure you have enough battery power for your caller ID to work. The last thing you need is to answer a call from an “Unknown Number” and find yourself being stalked while manoeuvring a babysitting gig. That being said, another good tip – don’t be a babysitter.

4)   Don’t lean against walls or doors

When the floorboards in the next room are creaking and you don’t know how to check if the coast is clear, leaning against the wall/door for a better listen is not a good idea. Because there you are all huddled up next to your plywood framework and all of a sudden, you’re getting shanked in the spleen with some next Kill Bill blade. Unless your home is made of steel, you are not going to be safe from the person in the next room.

5)   Don’t have sex

Ok guys, so I know when you’re scared and lonely you feel the need to get handsy, but there are several important considerations when it comes to fear-induced-freak. Don’t be caught pant-less, you will find yourself running for your life semi-nude. Don’t get pregnant, because you will give birth to a demon child. Don’t have sex, because you will get chlamydia and you will die.

6)   Double tap

It’s never dead when you think it is. Give it another hit.

Ronald Leung / Silhouette Staff

Getting together a successful study group is like preparing for the apocalypse. Ensure you have all the necessary teammates to make it through.

The Brain

Human encyclopedia, smarty pants, and know-it-all: this member of your storm survival crew has many names but they are universally characterised by their intelligence, studious manner, and attention to detail (sometimes to the ire of the group). You can count on them to fact-check constantly and answer any wandering questions your crew may have. They’ll probably have a penchant for excessively correcting your grammar.

The Pilot

While they may not necessarily be the most respected, all members of the crew listen to the pilot. They are storm veterans and have the sole focus of getting the entire crew to safety. Keeping the group on track and directing them from YouTube videos, side-conversations, or texting are all just part of the job description.

The Paranoid One

Don’t laugh at their mad rants and apocalyptic warnings now – they brings a healthy amount of snacks perfect for tired minds after grappling with the storm. Chips, chocolate, and power bars are staple foods of their repertoire. They have been preparing for years and finally their worst fears have come true. They’ll keep the crew fed and healthy as they continue to fight the storm. Just don’t make fun of their paranoid gibbering: things could get ugly, fast.

The Sleeper

Somehow dozing through a storm, the sleeper seems to not realize just how dire the situation is. Completely out of it, they will sleep through all necessary storm preparations and wake up minutes before the storm hits. They can be spotted walking out of the wreckage later, somehow unharmed and apparently unaware of the destruction around them, no matter how devastating it is.

The Worrier

Hyperventilation, excessive hand gestures, or even outright unconsciousness are not uncommon for The Worrier. The complete opposite of The Sleeper, they will panic at every conceivable moment and freak out at every little detail. While often annoying, their frantic outbursts can yield important details. They can be seen to be white-lipped and shaking, huddling in the corner and rocking back and forth, even after the storm has passed.

The Prodigy

Appearing supremely unconcerned, they will simply show up to storm preparations for the sake of it. Constantly appearing to do anything but preparing themselves, The Prodigy will stare down the storm with the coolness of a cucumber, too nonchalant to even blink. Hours later, when the storm’s victims stagger out, weakened and dazed, The Prodigy will calmly stroll by, hair stylishly tousled as opposed to everyone else’s hurricane-do.

Jennifer Bacher / Silhouette Staff

Now that it is the end of March, one thing looms ahead: exams. Don’t let the joy of Easter along with the thrill of winter leaving distract you too much from the horror that is exams. When making your way to finding the perfect hide out for this exam season, here are some tips to think about before you start your journey. Remember, it’s us versus the exams. We survive this by pulling together, not apart.

Having a plan is always good. Create a schedule for yourself of when to eat, study certain subjects, nap and take breaks. If you plan ahead, you will get everything done and you will minimize saving everything till the last minute.

Pack to thrive. Pack some snacks from home that are nutritious and satisfying if you are planning to study on campus. Bring water, granola bars, fruit or even a sandwich. Not only will this save you money, but also you don’t need to leave your spot and risk losing your concentration. Don’t forget about what supplies you need to study your best. If your cell phone and computer distract you, then leave them at home or make computer time your break.

Find a place to call home. Whatever that may be, find somewhere where you work well and will actually get work done. The campus has lots of great hiding places. From the silent area in the basement of Thode Library to the basement of the arts quad, the campus has many places to study. But campus is only one of many places you can go.

You’re going to be fine, I know you will. You are smart and you are strong. Soon, April will come to an end, your exams will be over and this year will be done. Just hang in there.