The long table event will explore the historical and contemporary realities of sex work in Hamilton through archival materials and discussions
The Centre for Community-Engaged Narrative Arts will host Archiving and Educating about Sex Work in Hamilton, a community long table event on Feb. 12, 2025 in partnership with the Sex Worker’s Action Program.
Jelena Vermillion, the current director of SWAP, will discuss ongoing advocacy efforts in Hamilton. She will explore the past, present and future roles of storytelling, policy and public perception in shaping the discourse surrounding sex work. Amber Dean, a professor in McMaster’s department of English and cultural studies, will facilitate the discussion.
The event is part of a broader effort on the part of SWAP to document and engage with narratives from sex workers in the city. Attendees will be able to interact with archival materials, including books, media and newspapers.
SWAP provides harm reduction, advocacy and education resources for sex workers in Hamilton. The organization advocates for and supports sex workers with material resources, peer-led outreach and community programming that addresses immediate needs as well as broader systemic challenges they face.
SWAP initially focused on harm-reduction outreach, distributing drawstring backpacks containing safer injection and inhalation supplies, condoms, dental dams and other safer-sex materials. Over time, the organization expanded to include curated resource pamphlets, personal care items and seasonal necessities such as hand warmers.
Vermilion is a long-time advocate for sex workers’ rights and has played a leading role in these outreach efforts. She emphasized that SWAP’s approach goes beyond harm reduction and aims to affirm the dignity of sex workers in a society that often dehumanizes them.
“The idea was that it was not just about harm reduction supplies; it was about showing compassion, care, nurturement and real consideration towards how underserved and vilified sex workers have been,” said Vermilion.
The idea was that it was not just about harm reduction supplies; it was about showing compassion, care, nurturement and real consideration towards how underserved and vilified sex workers have been.
Jelena Vermilion, Executive Director
Sex Workers' Action Program
At the height of its operations, SWAP also ran a drop-in centre funded by Women and Gender Equity Canada.
The Greater Hamilton Health Network partnered with the space to host community health initiatives, including sexual health screenings, vaccinations and general health services. However, the network’s funding only covered a year, so the center had to close once the grant period ended.
While the loss of a dedicated physical space presented challenges, SWAP continues its advocacy work, collaborating with researchers, harm reduction groups and policymakers to address systemic barriers impacting sex workers in Hamilton.
Vermilion has spent years advocating for the rights of sex workers and harm reduction. She has facilitated workshops for service providers, guest lectured at universities across Ontario and led discussions on sex-work policy at various levels of government.
The long-table event on Feb. 12 will focus on an archive Vermilion has been curating for the past five years. It includes books, media, ephemera, magazines, legal documents and personal accounts from sex workers. The archive was recently featured on Toronto Metropolitan University’s We Met U When podcast, where Vermilion discussed the challenges of preserving sex-work histories and the importance
“It’s one thing to have an archive of a dataset or materials. It’s another thing to get people to interact with it, to understand the lives, the histories, the struggles and the resilience behind it all,” said Vermillion.
It's one thing to have an archive of a dataset or materials. It's another thing to get people to interact with it, to understand the lives, the histories, the struggles and the resilience behind it all.
Jelena Vermilion, Executive Director
Sex Workers' Action Program
Attendees will have access to approximately 25 banker’s boxes of archival material, containing narratives from sex workers which, according to Vermillion, are in many cases ignored by society and government. Vermilion highlighted that sex workers in Hamilton face casual cruelty and exclusion in political and social spaces.
Vermilion shared with The Silhouette about her experiences at Hamilton City Hall, where she has seen that advocates for sex work and the rights of sex workers are often questioned disproportionately or met with attitudes of dismissal.“
There’s a distinct difference in how many questions I get asked compared to other delegations . . . They’re happy to comply with the law that requires them to let the public speak, but they don’t actually want to engage with the recommendations being made,” said Vermillion.
There’s a distinct difference in how many questions I get asked compared to other delegations... They’re happy to comply with the law that requires them to let the public speak, but they don’t actually want to engage with the recommendations being made.
Jelena Vermilion, Executive Director
Sex Workers' Action Program
This lack of engagement, she said, reflects a broader societal attitude that views sex workers as disposable. She suggests that it is this exclusion from decision-making, combined with ongoing stigma, that places sex workers at disproportionate risk of violence.
“Sex workers are used as symbols to scare women into compliance, to keep people in line. But when sex workers are safe, everyone is safer. The fight for sex workers’ rights is a fight for bodily autonomy, for labour rights, for human dignity,” said Vermillion.
Sex workers are used as symbols to scare women into compliance, to keep people in line. But when sex workers are safe, everyone is safer.
Jelena Vermilion, Executive Director
Sex Workers' Action Program
She encouraged those outside the sex-work community to take an active role in pushing for change.
“People who aren’t sex workers need to take on the stigma too . . . They need to be willing to have these conversations, challenge harmful narratives and use their privilege to push for policies that protect people,” said Vermillion.
The long table event aims to provide a space for conversation where sex workers’ stories are not only archived but engaged with, discussed and recognized as an integral part of Hamilton’s social fabric.
The event is free to attend and open to the public.
Loving yourself and your body is one of the first step to a steady relationship with your partner
Everyone says love is beyond your looks. But this is often easier said than done for many of us who struggle with our body image, particularly in a world of social media.
Body image tends to be connected to self-worth. Being in relationships often causes us to feel vulnerable and self-conscious about our bodies. In some cases, it prevents people from seeking out relationships as they tend to magnify the difficulties and insecurities they may have.
“You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first,” is a common saying we have heard many times — but is this true? This study from 2016 concluded people who were happier with their body tend to have better romantic relationships compared to those who were dissatisfied. Individuals who struggled with their body image reported having more anxious and fearful attachment styles. Overall, though, of the 12,176 participants in the study, only 24 per cent of men and 20 per cent of women reported being satisfied with their appearance.
Katie McCrindle is a registered social worker, body liberation counsellor and activist who works with women and non-binary folks to improve their relationship with themselves. She aspires to create a world where people of all sizes are confident and are in a place of self-acceptance.
“If they're not feeling worthy, or good, then they start to doubt the relationship,” explained McCrindle.
Once they start to become unconfident, their thoughts can spiral down a rabbit hole as it causes them to feel displeased about their bodies and themselves in general. This is especially prominent during intimate moments when people are especially vulnerable and exposed.
“Especially when people are contemplating having sex, I think that is a huge part that impacts body image and how you feel about yourself [by] being in that vulnerable position. It's vulnerable to being naked in front of somebody,” said McCrindle.
“Especially when people are contemplating having sex, I think that is a huge part that impacts body image and how you feel about yourself [by] being in that vulnerable position. It's vulnerable to being naked in front of somebody.”
Katie McCrindle, registered social worker
Having low self-confidence in their appearance can make people more anxious in their relationship and fear that their partner will leave them. The main reason for this may be due to societal pressures and social media.
On social media, the “ideal” woman is curvy with full lips, perfect skin, white teeth and tanned skin. For men, the “ideal” is to have abs, broad shoulders, be over 6 feet and have defined muscles. Realistically, only very few individuals can check off all of these — and that is okay.
Body positivity is important because not only will it improve everyone’s self-confidence, but it will also strengthen everyone’s relationships, whether they are romantic or not. In short, body positivity is accepting all bodies, no matter their race, size, gender or anything else.
“I usually start with body image. [I help] people to learn more self-compassion for those kinds of thoughts and feelings about [their] body because it's pretty normal to have difficult emotions about one's body,” said McCrindle.
“I usually start with body image. [I help] people to learn more self-compassion for those kinds of thoughts and feelings about [their] body because it's pretty normal to have difficult emotions about one's body.”
Katie McCrindle, registered social worker
It is okay if you can’t love everything about yourself. It takes time and patience, but it is important to remember that you will always be there for yourself.
How outright and subliminal misogyny in mainstream “self-help” media is taking the fun out of casual dating
By Cassie Wong-Wylie, Contributor
Navigating sexual shame as a girl, teen and, now, a young woman is something that is a very much shared and lived experience for the gross majority of women. Personally, I remember feeling a lot of shame about my sexuality from other women. It was easy to feel less judgment from men who were drawn to sexual prowess.
Fast forward to today, when I now feel relatively secure in my embodied sexuality and work hard to omit shame from my sex life, I find fellowship and power when talking about sexuality with other women. This shift, however, has also come with newfound obstacles. I began to encounter men who view sex as a physical actualization of sexist societal values and their sexual pursuits sought to secure their place as the apex, “alpha”, sex.
I cannot tell if it was my aging that revealed these sorts of men or the landscape around me that caused them to emerge. A landscape that is directly regressive to gender equality and emphatically contributes to homophobia, transphobia, female subjugation and by extension, sexual subjugation. This is namely, the chokehold that right-winged, misogynistic, “personal-growth gurus” like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson seem to have on boys and young men via social media platforms.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny. I can say confidently I have met the men I once thought only existed as hyperbolized wisecracks and parodies of pathetically insecure men my friends and I would joke about. After having met these caricatures, I believe the sensationalized Tate brothers, Jordan Peterson and other men who nonchalantly front self-help through avenues of female subjugation have ruined dating.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny.
This isn’t to say all men have been corrupted by this influence. However, with how influential this mentality has become, I see myself on a night out or a first date dreading that a guy might secretly revere a “boom in her face, grab her neck, shut her up” pseudo-mantra, just to quote one instance where Tate quite literally encourages sexual violence.
It's crazy to be talking to a man and suddenly, with just the slightest reference or name drop to the Tates, you realize he probably thinks you shouldn’t even be speaking when not spoken to. Additionally, having to psychoanalyze everything in a conversation and constantly trying to read between the lines has impeded playful banter. I also admit to the very embarrassing example of when a man says, “I love Jordan Peterson” and I agree, thinking we are being flirtatiously sarcastic, only to realize he is being totally serious when he asks me what the word ‘misogyny’ means.
Even beyond the sphere of conversation in dating, sex and sexual shame has also been impacted by masculinist gurus. The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
Even men who do not ascribe to these channels and condemn the figureheads are not immune to the subliminal domination sex “commands”. Though it may not swing to the extremes, just ask the people in your life their thoughts about choking or a hand on her throat during foreplay and I bet you would be shocked by the number of people who say it’s so normal that it’s almost obligatory. Now, while that might not be directly oppressive, it still contributes to a culture focusing on male domination in the bedroom.
Although male domination during sex may simply be just a social symptom of millennia of patriarchy, celebrities who are deified based on upholding repressive values will have further impacts. Who's to say what the next version of the playful choke is? With pop culture becoming radicalized, I wouldn’t doubt overt, sexual and non-consensual male domination to follow suit, particularly as the young generations of TikTok kids become sexually active.
This isn’t to say that dating, men or sex need to be sworn off. Although the dating field has changed and new litmus tests for partners are required, I try not to allow advances from men who gain security in their lives by denigrating women’s autonomy as the oppressive force it aims to be. Instead, I hope to find renewed communion with women and establish strongholds of support as we are forced to fortify our status as equally alpha. Ultimately, I hope we all find refuge from sexual shame in each other, and not in a hollow, Tate-esc cult of personality.
C/O Ainsley Thurgood
Reclaiming female pleasure through conversation and community
By: Amelia King, contributor
The word “sex” has seen the peak of its use in the English language within the past few years. Yet, for many, our relationship with this word is one that often evokes feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment among other negative or confusing emotions as we dance around many important topics still considered to be somewhat taboo, including female sexuality and pleasure.
There is a double standard that exists between men and women with regards to sexual intimacy, influenced by several factors. More recently, many women have begun to push back against these standards, finding community in breaking the stigma against female pleasure.
Some studies have shown women’s attitudes towards sex tend to be more susceptible to social, cultural and educational influences, adding a layer of complexity to understanding female sexuality. Namely, the widely pronounced double standard that encourages men to seek out sexual partners more often and discourages women from seeking sexual pleasure exists cross-culturally. This pervasive double standard instills more fear, shame and hesitancy into many women about sexual intimacy compared to men.
From an evolutionary perspective, it was beneficial for males to copulate with multiple partners for the sake of contributing more of their genes to the human population, whereas it was more beneficial for a woman to seek one long-term partner who would stay to help raise their offspring. Today, sex is commonly thought of more as an intimate act than merely a reproductive function.
Along with our evolutionary history, social challenges may explain why women may be more susceptible to scrutiny and feelings of shame on the basis of their sexual choices, partners and desires, although further research is needed. Both women and men tend to value emotional connection when it comes to sex. However, the role of sex in a relationship can be perceived differently between women and men. In addition, popular media including film and television tends to project an oversimplified and unrealistic portrayal of female pleasure and orgasm rates.
There is a key knowledge gap that exists as well. Studies have found both men and women struggle to accurately label the female reproductive anatomy, with this knowledge gap being more prominent in men. Moreover, while a complex interplay of physiological and psychological stimuli is responsible for both female and male arousal, various studies and female opinions attribute more weight to psychological factors in determining women’s chances and levels of arousal.
In addition to this, with a greater average length of time needed for women to reach orgasm relative to men, it is evident women have a different pathway to satisfaction compared to men.
On a positive note, in recent years, many women have found community in breaking the stigma against female pleasure, namely female self-pleasure. For many years, religion, double standards and social and cultural influences have led women to associate more feelings of guilt and shame with sex and their own pleasure than are observed in men.
Since the gap in knowledge surrounding female anatomy exists in both men and women, acts of self-pleasure allow women to explore their own bodies with less risks as well as many physical and mental health benefits relative to sex with a partner. While pleasurable intimacy in a relationship is important, learning about our own bodies both intellectually and physically is highly beneficial in determining our own pleasure stimuli and our comfort levels and boundaries surrounding intimacy.
By encouraging dialogue on sex positivity, a shift towards reclaiming femininity in sexual intimacy has emerged. It has started with breaking the stigma surrounding women discussing their pleasure in the same way men often do. Another key element here has been the increase in support of female-focused pleasure both with a partner and solo, as women increasingly value the importance of receiving equal pleasure.
While there is a long way to go, this shift has created more space for women to explore and develop a healthy understanding of their own bodies. Female pleasure is not something to be hidden, ashamed of or ignored, but rather something that should be celebrated and prioritized. It’s about time women become enabled to uncover a wealth of health benefits in taking care of their sexual health as they take a radical step towards reclaiming femininity and their own pleasure.
C/O Yoohyun Park
The key role of community-based education in sexual health
By: Ahlam Yassien, Contributor
Education and promotion of sexual health are just as important as the education and promotion of nutritional and physical health. However, conversations about sex education often occupy little space in homes or classrooms as this topic is still seen as taboo.
Despite this, many believe it is the responsibility of schools to teach kids about sexual health. In 1979, an overwhelming percentage of sex educators argued parents were not providing their children with the right sex education, with just under half believing this education was properly supplemented in schools. While the data obtained in this survey is reflective of the opinions on an outdated curriculum, it is also indicative of a larger pattern — the constant battle between parents and schools about the responsibility for sex education.
Flash forward nearly 40 years and parents have protested and threatened to pull their children from classes due to the introduction of a newer, more focused curriculum. While studies indicate that family-centred education programs reduce poor health outcomes and shame, conversations on sexual health are still too often ignored, usually treated as something you should already know and never ask about. Additionally, when considering the implications of different cultural and religious values, these conversations can be uncomfortable and daunting for both parents and children.
Like many other second-generation immigrants, I did not have these conversations at home. However, in 2015, when Ontario announced it would be updating its sexual education curriculum for the first time since 1998 to include conversations about explicit content online and gender identity, my mom was among many who insisted these conversations could be taught at home.
Despite this, I still went to class and learnt about consent and internet safety. I engaged in discourse with my classmates and teachers and then came home, assuring my mom that we were not watching explicit content in class.
While I learned about sexual health at school, this education was supplemented by that enforced by cultural perspectives taught at home, both of which have grown to hold an important place in the ways I choose to go about my personal health.
They have also served to reinforce the importance of having these conversations at home, at school and between classmates. I had not realized it then, but I had been actively engaging in discourse with various people from different communities and these discussions helped frame the ways I approach conversations with people holding opposing beliefs.
I had been deeply embarrassed by my mother’s disproval and immediately sided with those who called parents too conservative. However, I, along with those who took on this view, had been actively ignoring the role social and cultural determinants played in the introduction of sexual education in many households. The importance of diversifying education and considering these perspectives has become immensely clear to me. By considering these perspectives, we can reframe the conversation and the ways we view the various actors in these conversations, particularly those we might consider “too conservative.” In many cases, the term “too conservative” itself ironically appears too conservative and narrow to encompass the perspectives and thoughts of the individuals in question.
I had once believed sex education was a responsibility of the curriculum while my mother believed it was a parental responsibility. Now, I am not sure it is either.
In thinking about the continuous disagreements between educators and parents, I noticed the importance and responsibility of healthy eating and exercise are not something commonly debated between parents and teachers. I knew the dangers of smoking and doing drugs before I learnt about the importance of consent. I learned about the value of consistent oral hygiene before I had learned about vaginal hygiene.
But if I were asked to pinpoint where I had learned all these things I would not be able to give a definitive answer, mainly because these principles had been swiftly introduced and reinforced by various actors in my life. From family members to teachers, I had been taught about these things by the communities around me. As a result, I can make decisions regarding my health with these lessons in mind. Similarly, I think the goal for sex education should be to implement a curriculum not only taught at school or at home but also consistently enforced and endorsed by the community at large.
C/O Allauren Forbes
A philosophy course offers a space for exploration of some of our most intimate topics
What is love, really? What makes a meaningful relationship? How can our understanding of love and sex shift with the complexities of societal, political and ethical expectations?
The study of philosophy involves seeking out truths about the world, our relationships with one another and our relationship with ourselves. Allauren Forbes is an assistant professor at McMaster University within the department of philosophy. Forbes teaches a course called Philosophy of Love and Sex, which focuses on exploring truths about topics of love and sex.
The course offers students an opportunity to have discussions about philosophical topics, engage in self-reflection and analyze philosophical literature, some of which may challenge their personal views on intimate relationships.
The course offers students an opportunity to have discussions about philosophical topics, engage in self-reflection and analyze philosophical literature, some of which may challenge their personal views on intimate relationships.
Though unique to every individual, such topics are universal and monumental to how one navigates the world and Forbes believes that the importance of love and sex extends beyond just romantic relationships alone.
“[T]hey're really personal things that shape enormous amounts of the way that we live our lives, the kinds of relationships that we pursue, the kinds of choices we make about careers or where we live [and] a host of other things,” said Forbes.
Although not always obvious, love and sex are often complicated by societal values and expectations.
“[Societal expectations] tell us what kinds of relationships are good or valuable [and] what kinds of structures are good or valuable."
Allauren Forbes, Assistant Professor of Philosophy
“[Societal expectations] tell us what kinds of relationships are good or valuable [and] what kinds of structures are good or valuable,” explained Forbes.
One example of how relationships can challenge societal norms is found in polyamorous relationships. Forbes explained that polyamory is not as widely accepted in Western societies given that monogamy is the default understanding people have about what a relationship is supposed to look like.
However, exploring philosophical questions can help investigate the value behind these assumptions in society.
“[I]n the context of romance, you should have a relationship structure that suits your needs and if you are in a society that says, ‘Well, [here] is a very specific narrative: you should find the one and live happily ever after and have two kids,’ maybe that's not what suits you. [Philosophy] helps us question some of these structures. Maybe monogamy isn't right for somebody. Maybe there are other ways to do things that are still in love and still meaningful and valuable [in] all the ways that traditional relationships are,” said Forbes.
In addition to societal norms, intersectional identities such as race and gender can also play a crucial role to how one experiences love and sex.
Often, Forbes explained, this can present itself in the form of racist expectations of what is appropriate or not for a particular race. False stereotypes about people can be damaging and pose extra barriers preventing people from building meaningful lives for themselves.
The community that an individual surrounds themselves with, whether it be their family or friends, can have also significant impact on their experience with relationships.
“I mean, it could be so psychologically burdensome to try and live a life that is authentic and affirming to you if the people around you think that you are living or being in the wrong kind of way or the wrong kind of relationship . . . [Community] has the power to lift you up but also has the power to sort of pull you back, mak[ing] it harder to live the life of your choosing but also harder to feel good about living the life you're choosing,” said Forbes.
“I mean, it could be so psychologically burdensome to try and live a life that is authentic and affirming to you if the people around you think that you are living or being in the wrong kind of way or the wrong kind of relationship."
Allauren Forbes, Assistant Professor of Philosophy
After teaching the course for the last two years, Forbes said that she enjoys teaching the course, though it can require an important balance between open discussion amongst the students and staying mindful of the sensitive nature of these topics.
Forbes aims to be respectful of students’ experiences, recognizing that discussions can be personal, while creating an atmosphere in which students feel comfortable engaging in stimulating conversations. As a way of promoting this environment, an anonymous form is available for students to fill out if they have any concerns they want to bring to her attention.
Stressing the importance of how philosophy can transform our understanding of love, Forbes hopes students can apply their learning to their own lives.
“I want students to come away from the class with the sort of formal school skills of philosophy to question some of these things [and] make sure that they understand the kinds of things that they want to do for themselves. I mean, I think philosophy can help us live better lives and I think that part of it is understanding what it is that we're doing,” said Forbes.
In 2020 and 2021, Philosophy of Love and Sex (PHILOS 2ZZ3) has been offered in the fall semester. Although not certain as of date, students can keep an eye out for future offering of this course on the department of philosophy website.
By Julia Healy, Contributor
CW: Mentions sexual violence
Sex and I have a fraught relationship with one another. As a girl growing up as a lesbian in a fairly conservative religious environment, my parents, teachers and peers frequently insinuated that queer attraction, particularly attraction between women, was attention-seeking and a phase. This stereotype made me constantly doubt my feelings and kept me securely in the closet during my high school years. But, once I left home and entered the secular world of university, I was determined to come out.
In first year, I began to feel like I had missed out on a lot of romantic experiences by remaining closeted for so long. While I hadn’t even tried flirting with a girl, my 2SLGBTQ+ friends would tell stories about their past high school flings and recent hook-ups at parties. One story that that I would hear and unfortunately internalize starred straight girls who had supposedly just wanted to “experiment,” and had left my queer friends feeling heartbroken and used.
Being told that my sexuality was “just a phase” by people back home and by society at large was enough to make me doubt myself. Having this sentiment seemingly confirmed by the experiences of fellow members of the 2SLGBTQ+ community was terrifying. I internalized the idea that I could be misunderstanding my feelings, and that I was just constructing these attractions to seek attention, or approval from my 2SLGBTQ+ peers. I became fixated on the need to validate my identity and thought that having sex with a woman was the only way to settle the nagging fears inside my head.
I became fixated on the need to validate my identity and thought that having sex with a woman was the only way to settle the nagging fears inside my head.
Unfortunately, as an awkward first year who had never even kissed anyone, this plan was easier said than done. I worried that I would somehow mess up and embarrass myself, or, even worse, that I would realize I was straight all along. This idea made me so anxious, I didn’t even try to date. First and second year went by without a single a kiss to show for it.
In the summer of second year, my sexual life completely shifted. After just one lacklustre date with very little chemistry, I went back to a girl’s apartment and stayed the night. She didn’t know that I had experienced my first kiss and had lost my virginity within minutes of each other that night, and she didn’t seem to care about my nervousness. Although, in hindsight, I recognize that this encounter was not very healthy, I felt immense relief at the time that my attraction to women was not a figment of my imagination.
Despite this experience, I still hadn’t fully dispelled the negative stereotype about seeking attention, or the fear of falling behind on sexual experiences, from my brain. I started to seek out sexual encounters to validate not just my identity, but also my desirability and my self worth. The fears that I held onto have led me into some unsafe situations. I’ve rushed into sex with people before I was ready, to prove that I am, in fact, a lesbian. I’ve had sex with people before talking about STI status because I didn’t want them to feel like I was stalling out of disinterest, or for them to lose interest in me. I’ve never been able to properly communicate not being in the mood for sex, wanting to slow down or wanting to stop, even with partners who I knew would have respected my boundaries. I’ve had people hurt me during sex and, perhaps most damaging of all, I have frequently verbally consented to situations while my brain screamed at me to run away.
My lack of sexual experience once seemed like nothing but an obstacle between myself and the formation of a healthy queer relationship with a loving partner. However, after ignoring my own boundaries for so long, I feel like I’m farther from forming whatever a “healthy relationship” is than ever before.
My lack of sexual experience once seemed like nothing but an obstacle between myself and the formation of a healthy queer relationship with a loving partner. However, after ignoring my own boundaries for so long, I feel like I’m farther from forming whatever a “healthy relationship” is than ever before.
The unhealthy attitudes that I have developed towards sex started with the desire to not only validate my lesbian identity for myself, but to have that identity recognized by other queer women. My conservative upbringing started my self-doubt, but it was ultimately the emphasis placed upon sexual experience and the suspicion surrounding virginity within my own community that pushed me to seek validation through sex. I am only beginning to unlearn my unhealthy attitudes towards sex and to reconcile with my identity on my own terms.
At the intersection of sexism and homophobia, queer women face a lot of pressure from society to perform our sexuality in specific ways, often for the gratification of others. Rather than reproducing these pressures within our spaces, we as queer women should uplift one another, no matter where on our sexual journeys we happen to be.
This article is part of our Sex and the Steel City, our annual sex-positive issue. Click here to read more content from the special issue.
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By: Jackie McNeill
Tottering Biped Theatre, a Hamilton-based theatre company founded by Trevor Copp, has reached over 600,000 views on a TED Talk about ‘liquid lead dancing,’ a gender neutral form of partner dancing.
Several McMaster alumni are involved in the theatre company, particularly with their summer Shakespeare work held at the Royal Botanical Gardens.
The theatre is social justice-focused, devising works that have addressed issues like poverty, same sex marriage and mental health and different interpretations of Shakespeare.
However, as prominent as the theatre’s work is, it is not what Copp is arguably best known for.
In 2015, he and his colleague Jeff Fox delivered a TED Talk in Montreal on a dance concept they developed called ‘liquid lead dancing.’
Liquid lead dancing, a form of gender neutral partner dance, was born out of Copp’s discomfort with the systems and rules he was perpetuating as a ballroom dance teacher.
As explained in their TED Talk, the strictly gendered partner dancing promotes a relationship shaped by dictation, where the man leads and the woman follows.
He and Fox developed liquid lead dancing to turn this dictation into a negotiation.
“It proposes a system where lead and follow are exchanged throughout the course of the dance regardless of gender,” Copp explained.
This change of form will hopefully become normalized as a dance and help to normalize healthy relationships outside of partner dance as well.
The liquid lead dance between Copp and Fox morphed into a play about creating the first dance for a same sex wedding.
After a successful run of the play, a former student contacted Copp about presenting their dance form as a TED talk.
Copp and Fox’s TED talk was picked up by TED.com, and has over 600,00 views to date.
Despite the success of the TED talk, Copp admits that it has not been all smooth sailing promoting liquid lead dancing.
“Most people are comfortable with their given role, and, even though they aren't particularly traditional in their thinking, allow it to decide their roles as dancers. There's comfort in the familiar. I don't begrudge it at all. I just think that if you're going to recreate a culturally outdated form you should be conscious of it by making a choice to do so as opposed to sleepwalking your way through the dance form.”
Acknowledging that the work he had done with liquid lead dance is not that well-known in Hamilton, Copp is aiming to work harder at spreading the dance form in the future.
As explained in the TED Talk, liquid lead dancing is not about dance alone.
By addressing the strict roles perpetuated in partner dancing, Copp and Fox have begun to address the erasure of non-binary people and same-sex couples in dance, in addition to the exclusion of Black, Asian and other non-white bodies.
By bringing these issues that are prevalent within ballroom and partner dance to a wider audience with the TED Talk and Copp’s theatre company, the same issues that are prevalent in everyday life stand a better chance at being addressed.
Copp has performed liquid lead dance at conferences throughout Ontario, New York and Ireland and is looking forward to next presenting at a conference on consent and sexuality with Planned Parenthood in Virginia.
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Twenty. That's how many weddings I shot in 2018 as a wedding filmmaker, and that's how many couples I've witnessed embark in the romantic tradition of love through ceremonial spectacle. As Aristotle puts it, love that is "composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”
But what stems from this poetic union of two perfect swipes matches? A spiritual bliss? Unconditional passion? A fulfilled soul? Maybe. But there is a definite partner in crime to romantic love we all need to control: ego.
Not the Freudian ego, but that Kanye ego. You see it in films, you hear it in music and you feel your eyes rolling back when your lab partner urges you to believe that they "meet the perfect criteria" for their Friday-night-fling. Or better yet, the heavenly Friday-night-fling "fits all my checkboxes."
This is only the bark of the evergreen ego, which we can define using author Ryan Holiday's definition as an "unhealthy belief in our own importance” found in his book Ego Is the Enemy. This is synonymous with arrogance, vanity and of course, Kanye.
The ego in love inflates our own level of significance, while at the same time projecting ambitious standards for another to meet. With this principle narcissism, we begin to see the clinging relationship of ego with "romantic love" — which we can describe through the wisdom of Alain de Botton as a lifelong passion of unconditional affection, monogamous sex of the deepest expressions, independent of any logical reasoning and relying only on instinctual emotions and feelings.
Take that in — romantic love lives solely on emotion without logic. To the casual reader, these childish thoughts may seem obvious, but reflecting deeper, we begin to see signs within ourselves and our closest circle. We must control this. Let's take a look throughout your life.
Going back to where this all began, childhood is where we first experienced love. Most can associate child affection with a loving authority. Whether we called them our parent, sibling, relative, or neighbour, we needed them. The attachment theory research of John Bowlby throughout the 1900's, followed by Prof. Sue Johnson's couples therapy research today, brings sound evidence for our dependence on others. When we screamed for food, we got it. When we cried to be held, we got it. When we laughed for playtime, we got it. This is a good thing. Relying on others is the fundamental reason our species has survived millennia. The downside is in its longevity and growth through life.
Yes, we need others in life, and yes, our deepest instinct is to seek attachment, as outlined by Prof. Johnson, but the feedback loop of the Ariana Grande-esque "I want it, I got it" is the root that sprouts the dark ego of romance. Getting things as children paves the way for this underlying principle of romantic love: When we want something, we'll find a way to get it.
Which brings us to the next step of the growing ego in love. Found in puberty, high school, college or university, new experiences with decreased micromanagement and guidance. This is when the ego begins to experiment. Our claustrophobic wants begin to explore outside the supervised home and seeks easier ways to be watered. Whether through becoming captain of the volleyball team, taking the alto sax solo in band and most notably, finding a significant other to seek love and affection from.
This is also the point where ego meets romance. Our idea of love at this time is heavily influenced by the media, family and friends, and I'm willing to bet they all follow the blueprint of romantic love defined above. The fairytale love. The princess and prince charming love.
The budding ego spreads its roots and leaves into new terrain, searching for nourishment through this angelic and socially-acceptable soil called romance. This fair ground is for taking, stemming from it the seedling motto of “doing it because you want it” which only leads to the growth of our selfish plant called ego.
This is when our ego blooms the biggest, taking our primal egotistic need for affection and mixing it with the socially-acceptable irrationality of love. It almost becomes Machiavellian in the way it finds love.
Robert Greene, author of The Laws Of Human Nature, highlights a few archetypes of the folly relationship: the victim types that need saving, the saviour types to save victims, the devilish romantics of seduction, the image of perfection that never comes to fruition and the straight-up "they'll worship my ego indefinitely and unconditionally because of who I am" type.
Nowhere near complete, these types in relationships are ever-present. They may not come to mind right away when we think of romance, but when we look deeply at traditional love stories, the Romeos and Juliettes, the Snow Whites and Prince Charmings, there they are. And when we look beside us, there they are.
Is this a bad thing? Aristotle once said that to fix the warped curvature of wood, one must apply pressure in the opposite direction. And I do believe that regulating our growth should be at the forefront of any visionary. But is this subjective idea of "true love" really a disservice to our growing forest of human interaction?
Yes, I do believe this traditional view of love has well overstayed its visit. Especially with our cultural shift towards individuality and independence. And the first step to grow with the grain is understanding and loosening our ego.
For better or for worse, it's our ego trying to keep up with the Kardashians Joneses in love. But they're not you, and only you know what climate is best to grow love. Not Disney, not the latest country ballad and not the many wedding films found online. There are 7.4B definitions of love, and we need to rid our ego of any unexamined soil.
This means stop assuming that relationships are the norm. Stop associating sex with love. Logical thinking can be just as divine as cupid's arrow. You don't need to love everything about someone to love them. Arguments are arguments, and not signs from a higher power. We can't put full responsibility on another to complete ourselves. And above all, it doesn't make you any less of a person to love someone.
Let go the ego to let love grow.
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