How outright and subliminal misogyny in mainstream “self-help” media is taking the fun out of casual dating
By Cassie Wong-Wylie, Contributor
Navigating sexual shame as a girl, teen and, now, a young woman is something that is a very much shared and lived experience for the gross majority of women. Personally, I remember feeling a lot of shame about my sexuality from other women. It was easy to feel less judgment from men who were drawn to sexual prowess.
Fast forward to today, when I now feel relatively secure in my embodied sexuality and work hard to omit shame from my sex life, I find fellowship and power when talking about sexuality with other women. This shift, however, has also come with newfound obstacles. I began to encounter men who view sex as a physical actualization of sexist societal values and their sexual pursuits sought to secure their place as the apex, “alpha”, sex.
I cannot tell if it was my aging that revealed these sorts of men or the landscape around me that caused them to emerge. A landscape that is directly regressive to gender equality and emphatically contributes to homophobia, transphobia, female subjugation and by extension, sexual subjugation. This is namely, the chokehold that right-winged, misogynistic, “personal-growth gurus” like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson seem to have on boys and young men via social media platforms.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny. I can say confidently I have met the men I once thought only existed as hyperbolized wisecracks and parodies of pathetically insecure men my friends and I would joke about. After having met these caricatures, I believe the sensationalized Tate brothers, Jordan Peterson and other men who nonchalantly front self-help through avenues of female subjugation have ruined dating.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny.
This isn’t to say all men have been corrupted by this influence. However, with how influential this mentality has become, I see myself on a night out or a first date dreading that a guy might secretly revere a “boom in her face, grab her neck, shut her up” pseudo-mantra, just to quote one instance where Tate quite literally encourages sexual violence.
It's crazy to be talking to a man and suddenly, with just the slightest reference or name drop to the Tates, you realize he probably thinks you shouldn’t even be speaking when not spoken to. Additionally, having to psychoanalyze everything in a conversation and constantly trying to read between the lines has impeded playful banter. I also admit to the very embarrassing example of when a man says, “I love Jordan Peterson” and I agree, thinking we are being flirtatiously sarcastic, only to realize he is being totally serious when he asks me what the word ‘misogyny’ means.
Even beyond the sphere of conversation in dating, sex and sexual shame has also been impacted by masculinist gurus. The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
Even men who do not ascribe to these channels and condemn the figureheads are not immune to the subliminal domination sex “commands”. Though it may not swing to the extremes, just ask the people in your life their thoughts about choking or a hand on her throat during foreplay and I bet you would be shocked by the number of people who say it’s so normal that it’s almost obligatory. Now, while that might not be directly oppressive, it still contributes to a culture focusing on male domination in the bedroom.
Although male domination during sex may simply be just a social symptom of millennia of patriarchy, celebrities who are deified based on upholding repressive values will have further impacts. Who's to say what the next version of the playful choke is? With pop culture becoming radicalized, I wouldn’t doubt overt, sexual and non-consensual male domination to follow suit, particularly as the young generations of TikTok kids become sexually active.
This isn’t to say that dating, men or sex need to be sworn off. Although the dating field has changed and new litmus tests for partners are required, I try not to allow advances from men who gain security in their lives by denigrating women’s autonomy as the oppressive force it aims to be. Instead, I hope to find renewed communion with women and establish strongholds of support as we are forced to fortify our status as equally alpha. Ultimately, I hope we all find refuge from sexual shame in each other, and not in a hollow, Tate-esc cult of personality.
Winter can be a time of wondrous snow days, evenings by the fireplace, and Hallmark holidays. But in addition to the cheerful, colourful festivities of the season, the cold weather also brings forth an onset of cloudy, dark days that can be mirrored in emotions of hopelessness and depression.
The current school year has brought forth several candid confessions from Silhouette staff members and volunteers outlining the effects of an ongoing battle with mental illness. If you find this time of year tends to bring you down and affect your mood, here are a few tips that have worked, and continue to work, in helping me feel more like myself when dealing with depression and anxiety. I cannot guarantee that these will work for everyone, but making these changes have definitely helped me reduce my frequency of panic attacks, and revive the spring in my step when SAD has left me feeling hopeless.
Make time
When I first started speaking with friends who were also struggling with mental illness, one of the things we always seemed to have in common was an inability to keep a schedule. Sleeping was a challenge, making it to class was a burden, and for reasons unknown, we always forgot to eat. This year, I’ve started keeping a schedule that reminds me to keep up with my commitments and my necessary daily habits. It may seem like a pretty basic plan, but keeping a day planner and setting reminders on your phone will help you feel more organized and less stressed.
If you’re finding it difficult to make time for sleep, reschedule your life accordingly. If it takes you two hours to fall asleep, schedule in an extra two hours at bedtime. If you know you’re going to wake up at 3:00 in the morning, have a show queued on your laptop so you have something to lull you back to sleep again. Or even if you have the opposite problem and are sleeping too much, have a trusted friend or relative give you a call to remind you of the world outside your bedroom. Making time for sleep may require you to cut the time you spend on other commitments, but if you’re well rested, you’ll have more time and energy to get caught up the next day.
If you find that you’re forgetting about other important details in your life, such as eating or attending class, write everything down and check off each item as you go. It’s been about a year since I was diagnosed, and I still write down “Eat Lunch” in my day planner- but now I’ve yet to forget! Getting thrown off my school and eating schedules last year led to a drop in my grades and a rise in my weight. Not staying on schedule ended up giving me more worries on top of my pre-existing anxiety conditions. Having a visual outline for your day written on a calendar or in a planner will give you a better understanding of how much time you realistically have in a day.
Treat Yo’ Self
When you’re feeling down, you can’t waste time blaming yourself for your problems. Instead, treat yourself. Make yourself feel good about something rather than berating yourself into feeling worse.
Once a week, I schedule a two-hour time slot where I do something just for me. Put on some inspiring music (pro tip: avoid the Adeles and Lana Del Reys of the world), paint your nails, watch a movie, try a new recipe, do whatever it is that you wish you had more time for during the school year. It will be an instant pick me up that you’ll begin looking forward to every week.
Talk it Out
Talk to someone- a friend, a family member, a professional in the field, or even call a hotline if you don’t feel comfortable speaking with someone who knows you personally. If you’re bottling up your feelings, you’re hurting yourself and hurting others. Not only are you hindering your own chances of speaking about your problems and accepting them, you’re also preventing those around you from gaining a better understanding of what you’re going through.
Talking to yourself can even be a positive option. Don’t necessarily talk to yourself out loud, but writing in a journal or talking out your problems in your head can be beneficial in gaining a better understanding of what your stresses and upsets currently are.
Good Day Sunshine
Getting enough sunlight is crucial in keeping your mood bright. But if like myself you find yourself living, working, and spending a considerable number of classes in basements, you may need to resort to some synthetic forms of sunshine.
Going outside can be cringe-worthy when the term “Polar Vortex” has become a CP24 regular and frosted eyebrows have become a daily fashion statement. An alternative to the classic glowing orb is a sun lamp. I’ve recently ordered one (a little over $100 from Wal-Mart) and I’m highly anticipating its arrival. I’ve heard great things about its ability to both literally and figuratively brighten your day, and living in a basement, it’ll help my body rise naturally with the sun and create a natural schedule to follow.
If you find the darkness of the current weather is really affecting your mood and how you feel about getting out of bed in the morning, a sun lamp can be a beneficial step.
Be nice
Be nice to yourself and be nice to others. Have an inspiring quote set as your desktop background, or reflect on your accomplishments at the end of the day. Complimenting yourself may seem lame, but it will boost your spirits and help you look towards the positives of each day.
And while you’re flattering yourself, let those around you know how much they mean to you. Complimenting someone else will make you feel like a genuinely good person and will leave you feeling more grateful for positive relationships in your life that you may sometimes overlook. You’ll feel good about it, and any recipient of a validating comment or complimentary text message is bound to also benefit from the flattery.
Dealing with depression, anxiety or seasonal affective disorder can leave you feeling hopeless. But taking a few steps in the right direction may have you turning down a path of new hope.
By: Miranda Babbitt
The very name “self-help” can evoke two meanings. One: Empowerment and a vision of you, cape billowing gloriously in the wind, triumphantly standing on a mountain, beaming out at this world that you’ve so thoroughly conquered. Two: a rather sorry sight of you cowering underneath a table of books, each one screaming out, “No, I can help you!” “No, me!” “Pick me, I was on Oprah!”
Now quite frankly, the second image may be a little more familiar, even if you don’t necessarily hide underneath the table (because if do, yes, you really do need help). Some people swear by self-help books, others scoff at the idea alone. Do they really have the miraculous power to change your life in just a few hours of reading?
As a whole, self-help books are an empire that have sold millions, if not billions, to those who are struggling with insecurities, problems and areas in need of improvement. It is these very qualities that publishers capitalize on. Any person who has wandered into the self-help aisle will inevitably be feeling a little lost, a little insecure. The more lost and insecure they are, the easier it can be for other problems that they hadn’t even considered to suddenly become a life or death situation that they need immediate help on. Now there isn’t simply one book to dutifully rest on your bedside table, but a pile of five others! All with problems you never even realized you had!
Self-help books don’t necessarily ensure ultimate privacy either, which they are so often hailed for. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want “Am I Secretly Bipolar?” or “I Don’t Want to Admit I’m a Cat Lady” or “I’m A Narcissist, Love Me for Who I Am!” casually lounging on my coffee table for any stray eyes of house guests to peruse.
And it seems obvious, but anyone who is stressed out enough to pick up a book on self-therapy isn’t in a proper state to be diagnosing themselves with disorders anyway. It’s more as if they have walked half way down the path to legitimate help, and stopped to pick up the brochure by the wacky, waving, inflatable tube-man instead, who just looked so damn convincing in his abilities. Cue the author nonchalantly leaning against a wall, perhaps a beret atop his balding head, and that smile that just announces to the world, “Me? Having it all together? Oh you.”
Now, even though I have often said that Google knows more about me than anyone else, typing a confession into this search engine certainly isn’t the same as allowing your insecurity to escape the confines of your own mind and into the hands of another who can help instead. A phone call, email, quick note, or a private conversation between you and a therapist or trusted friend will release insurmountable amounts of satisfaction that the words on a page don’t necessarily ensure. When it comes down to it, Google doesn’t have a heartbeat, and neither does a book. If you’ve spent hours crying into its pages, I’m sorry to tell you, it simply doesn’t care. Cruel when I put it that way, eh? But for some, that’s exactly the kind of help they need. Facts on a page, testimonials in margins, instructions on how to overcome their difficulties on their own. For all the flack we give self-help, they’ve got something – other than the praises of Oprah – to offer.
