C/O Caleb Shong
Choosing partners through a sole focus on emotion often leaves young folks confused and hurt
As teenagers and young adults, we often fall in love spontaneously and that’s what makes it so exciting in the beginning. At this age, we often don’t have strict standards and boundaries and simply go after what feels right.
Expectedly, our strong sense of passion and emotions seems to take over our barely developed sense of reason and rationality. We choose to overlook certain red flags in our partner and relationship supposedly in the name of love.
But, what is the aftermath of carelessly choosing a partner at a young age?
As I mentioned, in our younger years, we evidently don't choose relationships on the basis of logic — we choose it purely based on raw fervor. Frankly, most of us didn’t know any better and it made sense to choose someone that made us initially feel loved and cared for.
However, choosing a partner purely based on emotions often heavily costs us.
I believe there are three main reasons why young love often doesn’t last and leaves both parties feeling damaged and broken.
Firstly, most teenagers and even young adults are at a malleable stage in life. We are constantly shifting and discovering new aspects of ourselves. The bitter-sweet truth is that we simply don’t remain the same person.
Unfortunately, this has a direct effect on our relationships.
As we and our partners our constantly evolving, we often drift apart in terms of values. Although this is not necessarily a bad thing and both progressions could be positive for both parties, they can still diverge as incompatibilities arise.
The second reason I believe young love doesn’t work out is our poor communication skills. For the majority of us, we have never been taught proper communications skills.
We lack fundamental skills such as managing our anger, communicating clearly, mindfulness and trust-building. Unfortunately, due to the absence of these principal building blocks, we frequently find ourselves confused, angry and anxious after relationship struggles.
Lastly, we often fail to recognize the importance of actively putting effort in our relationship.
Most times, when we enter a relationship at a young age, we feel as if the relationship should work out effortlessly with no bumps on the road. Evidently, this is false as there is significant importance tied to actively aiming to make your relationship a safe space for both.
For all these reasons, when young love ends, we hurt deeply — perhaps because of the feeling of confusion that is attached to it. Often, we cannot pinpoint what exactly went wrong and all we feel is significant pain. Mixed emotions of anxiety, sadness and anger slowly into resentment towards our partners.
Our feelings puzzle us as there is always so much to unwrap and unpack. And because of these extremely perplexing emotions, young love pains us.
Shania Bhopa is bringing global health to local communities
C/O @wellbyshaniabhopa
Shania Bhopa discovered her passion for global health through experiential learning opportunities in her undergraduate studies at McMaster University. Through her experience, Bhopa serves as a reminder that student life is all about putting yourself out there to find out exactly what sparks your soul and fuels your fire.
“I was always interested in the social determinants of health and specifically, advocacy. I never really understood how to kind of bridge that gap between the two. I [began] doing some research on global issues that exist here locally and we don't have to go overseas to understand how to help people out of poverty . . . things that happen overseas are actually affecting us here in Canada,” said Bhopa.
Having completed her bachelor's degree at McMaster in communication studies with a minor in health studies, Bhopa is currently pursuing a master's degree in science in global health at McMaster. As a recipient of the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council research scholarship, she is currently working away at her master’s thesis.
Bhopa has always enjoyed volunteering and knew from a young age that she wanted to start her own charity in some capacity. In May 2020, Bhopa and her sister launched the Canadian Courage Project.
Founded upon the belief that a child’s health shouldn’t be left up to chance, regardless of where they live or their level of education. The Canadian Courage Project aims to help homeless youth in Ontario and their animal companions.
“The reason that we're choosing this population is because they're often the population that doesn't get into the shelters. [For homeless children], their animal is [often] the only support network that they have. That is the only thing getting them through the day,” Bhopa explained.
“The reason that we're choosing this population is because they're often the population that doesn't get into the shelters. [For homeless children], their animal is [often] the only support network that they have. That is the only thing getting them through the day,” Bhopa explained.
Bhopa is also the founder and host of the Global Health Collective student podcast series, which she hopes will show others that anyone has the ability to make a difference. In her first season, the podcast was centred around the United Nations’ Sustainable Development Goals. Season two, which launched on Feb. 3, will be based on stories from changemakers during COVID.
“The reason behind the podcast is we hear the amazing research, we hear these projects that people are doing, we see them on the news, but we don't actually hear what drives this human being. At the end of the day, they're a person and they're just like you and I. They're motivated and inspired, but what is inspiring them?” said Bhopa.
Bhopa hopes that the podcast shows others that confidence is everything when it comes to pursuing your passions, as evidenced by the wide array of global health professionals and their life experiences.
With a group of McMaster students, Bhopa is also currently working on launching the Global Health Youth Alliance, which she compared to Distributive Education Clubs of America. Similar to DECA, it is a student competition, but instead of focusing on the field of business, it will enable students to gain exposure in the field of global health.
They hope to create a micro-credential for elementary and secondary students in order to bridge the gap in the elementary and high school curricula pertaining to global health.
“We want to educate everyone on the fact that disparities exist right around you. You don't need to go overseas to tackle them. We are stronger together and youth need to be in places where decisions are being made. Specifically, we cannot make change and solve the world's problems with the same local thinking that caused them,” said Bhopa.
"We are stronger together and youth need to be in places where decisions are being made. Specifically, we cannot make change and solve the world's problems with the same local thinking that caused them,” said Bhopa.
As a self-proclaimed “woman of habit,” Bhopa sets herself a schedule every day and encourages others to find time in their schedules not only for Zoom university sessions but also for themselves.
Each day, she sets time aside to listen to podcasts, do skincare, read and go on no-device walks. She then shares her wellness journey on her blog. In the near future, she plans on publishing both a children’s book and a wellness book for women.
For students looking to pursue opportunities in global health, Bhopa encourages them to claim their voice and choose opportunities that are right in their community, whether it be through approaching local officials or reaching out to changemakers and people you admire.
“You are in control of your circumstances, and if you believe [that], then nothing will ever get in your way. It's really just understanding exactly what your focus is, exactly what your passion is, why that's your passion and driving forward with that passion. If you have a focus, you are more likely to make an impact,” said Bhopa.
Bhopa encourages students to chase after their goals and realize that the world truly is your classroom. Through experiential learning, she emphasizes that we all have the ability to find our passions and make a difference in the world.
In Canada there are no National Football League teams, so the way fans choose who they will support is by following in the footsteps of their family or friends, or by becoming in awe of a certain player that leads them to a team.
For Vanessa Matyas, marketing & media manager for NFL Canada, the former is how her journey with the NFL began. Growing up Canadian, Toronto teams like the Toronto Raptors and the Maple Leafs were all she really knew.
That is until she got older and became a student at McMaster University, where football became a part of her social life. But it was not just the social aspect of football that caught her attention, the New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees did too.
C/O Kyle West
“I started falling in love with Drew Brees as a person because he just seemed so nice and personable, and that really got me more interested in the New Orleans Saints,” said Matyas. “The year that the devastation that was Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans was the same year they won a Super Bowl, and it really brought back so much joy to that city. That is when I started really to see the magic behind football and really get into the battles in the on-field action and the whole story around everything.”
Though Matyas knew that she had a new-found love for football, she was not entirely sure what she wanted after her undergrad in communication studies at Mac. This uncertainty led her to apply for her Master of Arts in communications and new media at McMaster.
“Part of the reason I decided to do my master’s was because I wasn't sure what my next step was going to be,” Matyas said. “So I thought getting a master’s would help set me apart from other job candidates.”
Following her master’s, Matyas got the opportunity to move to Geneva, Switzerland to work for a non-governmental organization. Although it was an amazing opportunity and everything she thought she would love, her mind kept going back to how much she loved sports and how amazing it would be to work in media or sports. When she returned to Canada, she applied and was lucky enough to land a digital marketing job with Rogers Media.
“While I was there, I was very vocal with my boss about how I wanted to take on other brands if I had the opportunity,” said Matyas. “So just from being partially in the right place and the right time and also being my own personal advocate, I got to expand to other brands which were two sports brands.”
C/O Vanessa Matyas
In Matyas’ three years with Rogers, she focused on working on the skills that would help her do a great job in the sports world. Instead of worrying about not having that dream job of working in sports, she focused on getting the skill set that she needed to apply that to her passion later on.
This ability to focus on the big picture is something she credits McMaster for giving her. Along with education, connections, lifelong best friends and memories, she left with a valuable lesson that ultimately got her where she is today.
“Looking at the big picture of things is what Mac really showed me. I think when you're here, you're so focused on looking at the task at hand, but you don't really see what it is leading towards or what you're working towards,” said Matyas. “I think Mac really showed me the value of the big picture and not sweating the small stuff along the way.”
When she applied for the role with NFL Canada, she had not only the passion for the role, but the actual skills the job required. Now she wakes up every day working for a company that not only she loves, but one where she deserves to be. Matyas works with NFL Canada’s media partners to further promote the NFL in Canada and marketing initiatives such as influencer and public relations programs, player marketing and social and digital campaigns.
#SuperBowlLlll was definitely a weekend to remember! #SBLIII #NFLCanada pic.twitter.com/rKgJqp3dbA
— Vanessa Matyas (@vmats14) February 5, 2019
But one of her most rewarding tasks is that she gets to bring little pieces of the NFL to Canada, so people can bond with the players and ultimately start following teams. One of her most memorable moments so far has been the 2019 Super Bowl in Atlanta. Not only was being in ‘NFL-land’ surreal for her, being able to bring Canadians to experience the joy of football was something that will stick with her forever.
“The experience and bringing [fans] down is very special for them, but it will always be such a big memory for me too,” said Matyas. “To see what the passion of sports does, helps us to remember why we do what we do.”
When the game becomes more than just a game! 🙌
Tell us your stories Canada, let us know why you love the @NFL! 🇨🇦🏈 #SuperBowlSurprise pic.twitter.com/MhPvZ7bcng
— NFL Canada (@NFLCanada) March 3, 2019
To those who look at Matyas’ journey, it may seem like she had it all figured out, but she constantly reminds those who are just starting out that there are always going to be challenges along the way, and to not let them discourage you from your goal.
“My career wasn't a clear path of sports, so getting back into what I wanted was hard when I was ready to leave Rogers. I was looking for other jobs which was very discouraging because there were many nos before there was a yes,” said Matyas. “That can be really hard to take in especially when you feel like you're prepared for the role and you have a skill set that you need, but you can’t let it get you off your path. Just know that you're working towards something better and all of those nos and let downs are going in a direction that you're supposed to be.”
Matyas’ journey to the NFL is an example for all of us, those who want to work in the sports industry and those who do not. If you work hard, even when it is not what you love, eventually you will see the return on your investment and find the way to be rewarded for your passion.
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Twenty. That's how many weddings I shot in 2018 as a wedding filmmaker, and that's how many couples I've witnessed embark in the romantic tradition of love through ceremonial spectacle. As Aristotle puts it, love that is "composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”
But what stems from this poetic union of two perfect swipes matches? A spiritual bliss? Unconditional passion? A fulfilled soul? Maybe. But there is a definite partner in crime to romantic love we all need to control: ego.
Not the Freudian ego, but that Kanye ego. You see it in films, you hear it in music and you feel your eyes rolling back when your lab partner urges you to believe that they "meet the perfect criteria" for their Friday-night-fling. Or better yet, the heavenly Friday-night-fling "fits all my checkboxes."
This is only the bark of the evergreen ego, which we can define using author Ryan Holiday's definition as an "unhealthy belief in our own importance” found in his book Ego Is the Enemy. This is synonymous with arrogance, vanity and of course, Kanye.
The ego in love inflates our own level of significance, while at the same time projecting ambitious standards for another to meet. With this principle narcissism, we begin to see the clinging relationship of ego with "romantic love" — which we can describe through the wisdom of Alain de Botton as a lifelong passion of unconditional affection, monogamous sex of the deepest expressions, independent of any logical reasoning and relying only on instinctual emotions and feelings.
Take that in — romantic love lives solely on emotion without logic. To the casual reader, these childish thoughts may seem obvious, but reflecting deeper, we begin to see signs within ourselves and our closest circle. We must control this. Let's take a look throughout your life.
Going back to where this all began, childhood is where we first experienced love. Most can associate child affection with a loving authority. Whether we called them our parent, sibling, relative, or neighbour, we needed them. The attachment theory research of John Bowlby throughout the 1900's, followed by Prof. Sue Johnson's couples therapy research today, brings sound evidence for our dependence on others. When we screamed for food, we got it. When we cried to be held, we got it. When we laughed for playtime, we got it. This is a good thing. Relying on others is the fundamental reason our species has survived millennia. The downside is in its longevity and growth through life.
Yes, we need others in life, and yes, our deepest instinct is to seek attachment, as outlined by Prof. Johnson, but the feedback loop of the Ariana Grande-esque "I want it, I got it" is the root that sprouts the dark ego of romance. Getting things as children paves the way for this underlying principle of romantic love: When we want something, we'll find a way to get it.
Which brings us to the next step of the growing ego in love. Found in puberty, high school, college or university, new experiences with decreased micromanagement and guidance. This is when the ego begins to experiment. Our claustrophobic wants begin to explore outside the supervised home and seeks easier ways to be watered. Whether through becoming captain of the volleyball team, taking the alto sax solo in band and most notably, finding a significant other to seek love and affection from.
This is also the point where ego meets romance. Our idea of love at this time is heavily influenced by the media, family and friends, and I'm willing to bet they all follow the blueprint of romantic love defined above. The fairytale love. The princess and prince charming love.
The budding ego spreads its roots and leaves into new terrain, searching for nourishment through this angelic and socially-acceptable soil called romance. This fair ground is for taking, stemming from it the seedling motto of “doing it because you want it” which only leads to the growth of our selfish plant called ego.
This is when our ego blooms the biggest, taking our primal egotistic need for affection and mixing it with the socially-acceptable irrationality of love. It almost becomes Machiavellian in the way it finds love.
Robert Greene, author of The Laws Of Human Nature, highlights a few archetypes of the folly relationship: the victim types that need saving, the saviour types to save victims, the devilish romantics of seduction, the image of perfection that never comes to fruition and the straight-up "they'll worship my ego indefinitely and unconditionally because of who I am" type.
Nowhere near complete, these types in relationships are ever-present. They may not come to mind right away when we think of romance, but when we look deeply at traditional love stories, the Romeos and Juliettes, the Snow Whites and Prince Charmings, there they are. And when we look beside us, there they are.
Is this a bad thing? Aristotle once said that to fix the warped curvature of wood, one must apply pressure in the opposite direction. And I do believe that regulating our growth should be at the forefront of any visionary. But is this subjective idea of "true love" really a disservice to our growing forest of human interaction?
Yes, I do believe this traditional view of love has well overstayed its visit. Especially with our cultural shift towards individuality and independence. And the first step to grow with the grain is understanding and loosening our ego.
For better or for worse, it's our ego trying to keep up with the Kardashians Joneses in love. But they're not you, and only you know what climate is best to grow love. Not Disney, not the latest country ballad and not the many wedding films found online. There are 7.4B definitions of love, and we need to rid our ego of any unexamined soil.
This means stop assuming that relationships are the norm. Stop associating sex with love. Logical thinking can be just as divine as cupid's arrow. You don't need to love everything about someone to love them. Arguments are arguments, and not signs from a higher power. We can't put full responsibility on another to complete ourselves. And above all, it doesn't make you any less of a person to love someone.
Let go the ego to let love grow.
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Following the advocacy efforts made by the McMaster Students Union, the fall 2018 term introduced McMaster University students to a new option for course enrolment: the personal interest course. The PIC option allows students to take an elective course without affecting their cumulative grade point average by making the course assessed on a credit or no-credit grading scale.
There's still time to register for a Personal Interest Course. Read more about PIC here: https://t.co/yoAi4Icjaz and learn how you can register for both Fall and Winter terms. #McSU #mcmasteru pic.twitter.com/HKXYCY7Ia8
— McMaster Students Union (MSU) (@MSU_McMaster) August 7, 2018
In order to receive a final grade of credit, students must earn a final mark of at least 50 per cent. Students who do not earn 50 per cent receive a final grade of no-credit, which is not considered as a failure and is not included in GPA calculations or averages.
According to the office of the registrar, “McMaster University encourages interdisciplinary study and believes undergraduate studies provides an excellent opportunity to explore topics which are new and unfamiliar.”
Thus, by removing the risk of negatively affecting students’ GPA, the PIC option can encourage students to explore new interests through choosing electives outside of their program. The units earned from successfully completing a PIC can even be used to satisfy a students’ elective or minor requirements.
Any undergraduate student with a cumulative GPA of at least 3.5 and who are registered in a participating program above level one may take advantage of the PIC option. Such students may take three units of PIC per term, with a maximum of twelve units per four- or five-level degrees or a maximum of nine units per three-level degrees.
Once enrolled in a course, selecting a PIC option simply requires changing the grading basis for the course on Mosaic from graded to PIC. For the 2019 winter term, students have until the end of the drop-and-add period on Jan. 15 to declare a PIC. If necessary, students can still opt to withdraw from the course as per the normal procedures and deadlines.
Surveying friends who took a PIC during the fall 2018 term, the reviews have been overwhelmingly positive. Whether it is the student in the natural sciences trying a music course or a humanities student gaining valuable business knowledge, the PIC option allows for students to develop new skills and realize new interests.
One of the best features of the PIC is that if students feel they are doing well in the course and would like to keep the numeric grade, they have the option to indicate the course is no longer a PIC on Mosaic by the last day for withdrawing from courses without failure by default, which is Mar. 15 for the winter 2019 term. This truly creates a no-risk scenario for students interested in taking new classes.
Before PIC was introduced, the only other way for undergraduate students to take a class without affecting their cumulative GPA was to audit the class. However, since completion of assignments and writing the final examination is not required, students cannot earn units for audited courses like they do with PIC.
I strongly encourage all students to at least consider taking a PIC. Who knows—you might discover a new passion or career interest!
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Arnaud Thia-Nam
The Silhouette
If there is one thing I have learnt from my expatriation, it is to better appreciate my French status. More often than not, I would only be asked about stereotypes earned many years ago by people who, I can only assume, were poor representatives of who and what France is really about. Yes, I shower every day, (most of) the French women I know shave on a more-than-regular basis, and even though I miss the sweet taste of overly priced baguettes, I have now gone one and a half years without shedding a tear about it.
I couldn’t help but notice that those who would try to reduce me to a fixed mental image they have of what a French person should be, never actually understood what being Canadian is all about. And although I cannot blame them for it — after all, one’s identity is sufficiently hard to define — there is always this feeling that something, anything, can be said about it. What makes you more Canadian than me?
Stereotypes often do come from some kind of truth. I would know: France hasn’t won a war single-handedly in eons, and after fifteen months teaching and living amongst Canadians, I can honestly say that your amiability is nothing less than what you are celebrated for. However, I have yet to be proven that Australians aren’t as welcoming as Canadians. Your politeness does not, can not and should not define you. Politeness is a polished façade. It is a social commodity that governs over people’s interactions. When I meet you on campus, even though I do not know you, I will hold the door for you, smile and even answer your greeting. What part of me truly wants to do all of this, and what part only applies a protocol learnt and mastered in response to the need for social recognition? My humanism, for all you know, could very well conceal my hypocrisy.
In my years of studying various subjects, I have found helpful to resort to differences in order to qualify, or better define, a notion. What, then, differentiates Canadians from their neighbours to the South? There is the obvious answer that while your Constitution holds both English and French as official languages, the Americans have none. Or better yet, that you do not have a President, but a Prime Minister, and don’t engage so often in wars on (insert noun here). To be honest, most of us Europeans could not tell apart an Edmontonian from a Detroit-dweller, especially if the latter exhibits the Maple Leaf flag on their backpack.
Canada has so much potential. Its heritage is vivid, its legacy still warm. Your future is yet to be determined, and it can lead you anywhere —from mediocrity to greatness. Yet, I feel something missing in people from my talks with McMaster students: passion. I am genuinely concerned whenever I ask, “what is your passion in life?” and hear some people answer “Twitter and Facebook,” or even worse “I have none.”
Each and every one of you should be passionate about shaping the future of your country. Strike while the iron is hot. Commit. You have been given an opportunity to attend a post-secondary institution and gain an outstanding education. Be it in Mechanical Engineering, Life Sciences or Religious Studies, you have the opportunity to make a difference in your field. Use it. Talk to each other, try and understand if the vexation you may feel is only yours, or if more people relate to this discomfort in which case, address it.
I hear your disinterest and drifting away from anything political. Please, in turn, hear this: politics, for better or for worse, will play a part in your life. Politics does not have to be dull, it is not about thinking: “who elected this guy?” while watching Mayor Rob Ford’s latest idiocy on the news. It is about being involved and using the right to take action. Authority does not stem from having been voted in office some time in the past, it is a constant renewal of trust in one person’s ability to act in your best interest. Only you can know what this best interest is. Challenge the authority — it is the only way for it to be legitimate. Without your confidence, authority is nothing but despotic. “Without the freedom to criticize, there is no true praise.”
Your country’s destiny is yet to be written. What Canada needs is dedication. And although you should be proud of your country, the way I am proud of mine, what you should do, above anything else, is to give your country and fellow countrymen a reason to be proud of it.
What makes you more Canadian than me? Is it your passport? Is it your way of pronouncing “about” or is it your ability to influence your country’s future? Know where you come from, where you are now, where you want to be headed and perhaps, too, where you do not want to find yourselves. Do not let the United States test its chemical weapons on your soil as they did during the Vietnam War (with the approval of your government), refuse to pay for winter maintenance on a highway that is not even yours to begin with, but still costs you an average of one million dollars per year (Alaska Highway in Yukon). Do not let your 70-year-old neighbour from down the street cast your vote. Do not let others dictate what will become of you, but seize your own authority and assert it.
If you are to be Canadian citizens, do for yourselves what no one else will do for you: stand up.
