Dear fast-growing hair,

It’s two in the morning on a cold March day. Midterms, applications and assignments pile on top of each other, slowly taking over my life. Time blends together, hell freezes over, and I just ran out of coffee. Stressed, I run my hands through my hair. They get caught in between the weirdly long and kinky strands. I swear I walked straight out of the salon, humming Kanye West, just a few weeks ago.

Ask any boy you know who has any sort of quiff and they’ll let you know how annoying it is when their hair grows out, which for me is faster than I can get a hold of my barber. Looks aside though, having long hair is just really annoying. It gets in your eyes and it goes where the wind blows. Fast growing hair, you really do have a mind of your own. Gel and hairspray got nothin’ on you.

The wise Shoshanna of HBO’s Girls once said that it was a gift to be blessed with relatively fast growing hair, but for ladies, fast growing hair knows how to get under (or out of?) their skin as well – in the form of body hair. Why must you grow so quickly? Don’t you understand I look like a gorilla when you come out in force? Why must you defy me and grow even quicker when I shave you? If you just behaved, girls wouldn’t need to wax you, which can only be as painful for you as it is for them.

And then there’s you, fast growing pubic hair. Actually… everyone hates you so much that I’m not even going to bother with you.

Don’t think I forgot about you facial hair. Why must you grow so quickly but in such random dirty patches on my chinny-chin-chin? I’ve come to terms that I can never have any sort of facial hair long ago – just ask any one of my high school friends about the disastrous exam ‘beard’ I had that one year. It still gives me, and many others, sweat-inducing night terrors.

You probably don’t care even as you read this, fast growing hair. But I guess like Miley Cyrus, you just can’t be tamed.

I would love to talk more, but I have to go get my hair cut now.

Yours truly,

Guy-who-seriously-can’t-pull-off-a-buzz-cut