I’ve never been a fan of Buzzfeed. Given that the form resembles a second grader colouring out of the lines, the writing feels scattered and trivializing. Complex ideas are captured by gifs of Harry Potter, guitar-playing cats, and simple analogies. Though their is undeniable accessibility - anyone can read the boldface verbal pyrotechnics and digest the quick snippets of life -the issues are presented as though they require little to no thought. There is no critical engagement and the statements, very much like this one, are just generic snapshots. At best, it’s an introduction of an essay without the body paragraphs; at worst, it’s an analysis of Honey Boo Boo’s mother’s stance on Obama Care.

But some believe it's not all that bad. They tell me that I wouldn’t have been blessed to know of Honey Boo Boo in the first place without Buzzfeed. It reaches its audience and it does so consistently. Though I feel it as nothing more than a capitalization on the most animalistic impulses of immediate satisfaction, the reason why I dislike it is exactly why it’s popular, which perhaps, says how foolish I am in the end.

But not any longer, see? If Buzzfeed is the future of journalism, here is the article of the future: an opinion about an opinion on an opinion. Simple, right? I thought so. I’m sure Honey Boo Boo’s mother would agree.

So these are the top thirteen things wrong with opinion pieces and those who compose them.

1.They’re an opinion, amirite????

 

 

 

 

Argument over. Me - 1. Opinions - 0.

2. There are not enough cats in them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This makes up for any opinion ever. Even, maybe, this one.

3. Newspapers, and the sections in them like opinions, are a dead form.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s an opinions editor trying to make their piece interesting to his audience who stands unmoved.

4. There are too many issues to consider in just one article.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An opinion's editor motto.

5. The world is never black and white, despite what the electronic ink says. And most articles just volley back and forth endlessly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instead of arguing violently, let's just follow this kid's example.

6. Journalism is the art printing something to go out of date only to print some more that goes out of date later. 

 

 

 

 

Here we see the print cycle of journalism.

7. Any one can have an opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even Doge can. Also he is wearing socks. Some opinion editors don't.

8. Opinion editors are just people trying to save fish from drowning, whatever that means.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here we find an opinion's editor making his point.

9. They also kick children

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An opinion editor dishing his investigative dirt and then tasting it too. Great inquiry skills.

10. And scare them too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This child just read an opinion's piece.

11. They end almost arbitrarily even though there is always a continual discussion on the matters discussed, and this falsified finished suggests that they are all knowing, all revolutionary when really their two-cents is hardly worth rounding up to a dollar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most of our thoughts about opinionated articles.

12. They shamelessly dance around as objective journalism while they are just the  limited, personal interpretations, analysis, and misconceptions of one person distilled and contained to a scattershot of some 700-words.

 

 

 

 

 

Here's me trying to understand what I just wrote.

13. Want to know what’s wrong with an opinions article? Read one. Luckily, you just did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for nothing.

'Buzzfeed' image c/o Scott Beales / Laughing Squid on Flickr.