Dating is all about perspective and a journey of self-discovery
Valentine's Day is often portrayed as the most romantic day of the year. It’s supposed to be a day to celebrate love and show appreciation for your significant other, but what about for those who don't have a partner or who have just gone through a breakup?
My dating life has been a . . . turbulent experience to say the least.
My dating life has been a . . . turbulent experience to say the least.
Since May 2022, I’ve dated, or at least been on dates with, five men. Some of them were real heart breakers, some of them ended mutually, some of them I still feel like they were “the one that got away” (cue Katy Perry on Apple Music).
I will not discredit the pain that I have endured with some of them, nor will I discredit how happy others made me. Neither outweigh the other, nor were some more meaningful than others. As cliché as it sounds, each dating encounter was a learning experience and it made me stronger, even if it didn’t feel like it at the time. It pushed me onto a new path and has helped me on the path to self-discovery.
You might be sitting there thinking, “okay, so this guy is trauma dumping for his benefit,” but I would politely disagree. I am trauma dumping hopefully for your benefit. The through line of dating experience is that I learned so much about myself. I’ve learned what I like and what I dislike in relationships and the infamous situationship. I’ve learned about the types of people I thrive with and I’ve learned about the types of people who I don’t necessarily jive with. I’ve been able to form strong bonds, but they didn’t always necessarily last. Every experience — and every man — was unique, different from the last.
Every experience — and every man — was unique, different from the last.
In May 2022, I got out of my second long-term relationship with someone who I adored. I remember the exact date because it happened on the only Friday the 13 in 2022 (go figure something bad would happen on that day). We just went on a ghost walk at the Hermitage Ruins (which by the way, if you haven’t been, definitely check it out because it’s SO creepy). The entire night I could tell something was off and when we got home later that night, I knew a breakup was imminent (maybe I’m a psychic?). Now that it’s been almost a year, I like to joke and say that it was the spirits playing tricks on me.
The relationship was largely long distance, with spurts of in-person periods throughout the school year. While that took a bit of a toll on me, I think I became comfortable not always seeing someone. I recognized that space is important. Now, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t always want to see him, but I was okay knowing that there would be many times I couldn’t. That’s what happens when two people live two busy lives. I have remained very close friends with this person and I wouldn’t have changed a single thing about the time we spent together. Yes, we both made some mistakes, but we’re both human. I’ve forgiven myself for those mistakes and I’m grateful I got to keep the benefits of having this person in my life.
I’ve forgiven myself for those mistakes and I’m grateful I got to keep the benefits of having this person in my life.
Over the summer of 2022, I took some time for myself and went back home, since that’s the one place where I feel I can have my guard down and focus. I took the time to focus on my health, shedding 30 pounds of what I had deemed my “relationship weight”, focused on my passions, hobbies and relearned what it meant to support myself. I had a lot of support from the established people in my life, but also others who were new. Many of my new work colleagues were quick to offer advice, support or their ear to what I was going through — and to those individuals, I will always be grateful for that.
I eventually redownloaded the typical dating apps and started to explore who was out there. The first person who I instantly connected moved from England literally a few weeks before we started talking. I was smitten even though he wasn’t a monarchist. Things were going well, until he told me that he didn’t want a relationship. I was a little hurt because I felt a tad led on, but I didn’t blame him — he was trying to start his life in Toronto, why would he want to be tied down so early on? He was the first guy I really had spoken to since my last long-term relationship and I learned what it was like to start dating again.
Next was someone who I had spoken to at the beginning of COVID who I matched with online. We reconnected and went on a couple dates. Things didn’t necessarily end, but more or less fizzled out. I’m not really sure if there was a lesson associated with this, but it was nice to reconnect with someone who I genuinely admire.
Around October 2022, I got a message on a dating app from another person, who I thought was interesting. He somehow felt different than the men I dated in the past, so I was intrigued. We went on a few dates, but he told me that he wasn’t really looking for anything at the moment. By that point, that phrase kind of took a toll on my mental health. Why was nobody wanting to pursue something with me? It took a lot of reflection to realize that it wasn’t me, rather just the situations I kept finding myself in.
It took a lot of reflection to realize that it wasn’t me, rather just the situations I kept finding myself in.
One day in November, I was scrolling through Instagram and I came across someone who I had a crush on since my second-year. I decided to shoot my shot and message him. To my surprise, he messaged back and we ended up dating for a month and a half. I don’t think I felt as infatuated with someone since my long-term relationship. I would also confidently say that I had some of the best dates I’ve ever been on were with him. Unfortunately, this one also didn’t work out. Although it wasn’t a break up because we weren’t officially in a relationship, it sure as hell felt like one. Let me tell you, it was HARD at some points. In hindsight, I realized that I wasn’t really ready for a relationship either.
Around the same time we started dating, I started therapy for the second time in my life. I was feeling incredibly anxious in all aspects of my life and I know constantly hearing the line “I don’t want a relationship right now but you’re a really great guy” was triggering for me. As ironic as it was, his reason for ending things was also how I was feeling for a while. After talking things over with my mother and my therapist, I came to the realization that I felt my chapter in Hamilton was also nearing its end.
I came to the realization that I felt my chapter in Hamilton was also nearing its end.
I have some regrets about this one. I let some of the interactions with the previous men I dated shape how I perceived the actions of this boy. My past with men not wanting a relationship bled into my present, which caused me to doubt both of our actions and created a self-fulfilling prophecy. With that said, I’m so happy I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and slid into his DMs. It was an absolute pleasure getting to know this individual for the month and a half we dated and for the little bit we talked after. While I’m sad that we couldn’t be friends in the end, it taught me a valuable lesson. Just because things started off great, doesn’t mean they are always going to work out in the end. That’s okay and doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I learned a lot with this one and I will always be thankful for those shared experiences.
And here we are now, February 2023. I’ve once again reconnected with someone who I talked to at the start of the pandemic and we’ve hung out a few times. I’ve also applied to some Master’s programs outside of Hamilton so I can gain new experiences and start my next chapter. I’ve continued therapy and have questioned what is in my control and outside of my control. Rethinking many of the stresses and anxieties in my life through this lens have immensely reshaped my mental and emotional state for the better. I’m once again relearning who I am and what I want both out of life and in a relationship context. I don’t think I’m ready for a long-term relationship, nor do I want one at the moment. I want to focus on myself, maybe go on some dates and meet new people along the way. I would not have come to these realizations if it wasn’t for every single person I dated over the last year. There were a couple in particular who especially shaped my trajectory and they know who they are.
I would not have come to these realizations if it wasn’t for every single person I dated over the last year. There were a couple in particular who especially shaped my trajectory and they know who they are.
I wouldn’t say that things ended overtly well with anybody, but it is all a matter of perspective. Of course, hindsight is 20-20 but I’m not the kind of guy to be bitter about things ending. I strive to end things amicably to seek closure. Reshaping my perspectives on what I initially perceived as “bad dating experiences” and shifting them to learning experiences helped me find that closure.
My hope after reading this article is that if you are in a slump about your dating life — whether you’re queer, straight or anything in between or outside — that you take the time you need to self-reflect and question why you are feeling the way you are. What I want you to take away is that you are still you and you have just learned so much about the person you are supposed to be in the end. Each person we encounter in our lives helps us self-actualize our own potential. It took me a long time to get myself to that perspective and I don’t think you’ll get there overnight. But hopefully with time, you will be able to reflect on your past experiences with people be able to find some sort of inner peace that for better or for worse, that person has changed your life and made you the incredibly resilient person you are today.
How the Aphrodite Project and similar projects have changed dating
As the pandemic continues to surge and COVID-19 regulations remain in place, many are finding romance and fun. From dating apps to newly-designed matching algorithms, students are being matched by the thousands from the comfort of their beds. This is especially true when it comes to university students in Canada, including at McMaster.
Rates of online dating usage have increased since the beginning of the pandemic. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid and many other apps have all reported increased use.
However, in addition to a rise in online dating app usage, there have been many innovative projects seeking to help students bound to their homes and laptops find a match.
Perhaps most notable among these projects is the Aphrodite Project. The Aphrodite Project is an algorithm that matches students based on their responses in a long questionnaire.
The project was designed by two University of Toronto exchange students, with the first trial of the software having been trialled in Singapore in 2019. After it was clear the algorithm was a success and full of promise, it was adapted to Canadian universities, starting with U of T and the University of Waterloo.
The site is now open to students across many universities, including McMaster. For many, this algorithm was a success and a way to find love and happiness amid the pandemic.
Among students who found love through this algorithm last year is Karin Lie, a fourth-year student at the University of Waterloo studying psychology.
“I was very impressed,” Lie explained. “We did get along very well.”
The first batch of matching in Canada was completed in 2020, with thousands of students being matched prior to Valentine’s Day. The developers of the Aphrodite Project even opened up a special version of their algorithm, Aphrodite Project: Pandemic Edition.
This targeted students amid the onset of the pandemic, which hoped to offer students an opportunity to meet someone and be distracted from the gloomy times of 2020.
In addition to the Aphrodite Project designed by students at U of T, there are similar projects that have been designed specifically for students at Mac. Among these are Match At Mac, which was run over the summer of 2020 and Mac Aphrodite Project.
These operate similarly to the Aphrodite Project designed at U of T in which Mac students fill out questionnaires and are matched with what is calculated to be the best possible option. Students participating in the Mac Aphrodite Project received their matches on Feb. 13, 2021.
These projects are important this year, as the transition to online learning at universities has presented challenges to many, with fewer opportunities available for socializing and romance. For many students, these algorithms offer a more thoughtful and personalized way to meet potential matches that involves more than swiping right or left.
Although romance and love are obviously never guaranteed, these platforms offer a new and unique way to meet people. As an alternative to conventional dating applications, more personalized platforms like Aphrodite Project have the potential to become pivotal to online dating and match-making.
Among the students frustrated with dating apps during the pandemic is Abby Liznick, a second-year health sciences student at McMaster.
“At a time when we are all longing for a connection and the ability to spend quality time with others, many turn to dating apps to find instant companionship,” said Liznick. “While these connections temporarily fill the social void left by the pandemic, they are just that — only temporary.”
These matchmaking projects are a testament to the adaptability and innovation people have come up during the pandemic. They offer a glimmer of hope for those who are unable to otherwise experience romance or socializing due to the social restrictions, especially those who are hesitant to try online dating apps.
Marzan Hamid, a second-year health sciences student, took a chance over the summer of 2020 and completed the Match At Mac questionnaire, eventually to be matched with someone later that year.
“I think it’s really great that students are taking the initiative to connect others, especially during these unique circumstances,” explained Hamid. “It’s nice to find out that there are still creative ways to meet new people even during a pandemic. I’m sure this will benefit many of my peers!”
“I think it’s really great that students are taking the initiative to connect others, especially during these unique circumstances,” explained Hamid. “It’s nice to find out that there are still creative ways to meet new people even during a pandemic. I’m sure this will benefit many of my peers!”
Thousands of people have been matched by recently-made dating algorithms. This is in addition to the huge rise in usage of dating apps like Tinder since the pandemic began. The future looks bright for dating among university students stuck at home.
By Rachel Lieske, Contributor
The popular astrology app CoStar is known for daily insights that are customized according to a user’s astrological chart. Every day at 10:37 am, CoStar sends me daily affirmations, recently with a recurring theme surrounding “pressure in love.” I usually shrug off the AI-generated insights, but the idea of “pressure in love” echoed in my mind—it felt symbolic of young love, and everything it represents, and caught my attention.
There’s a common narrative that persists around young love. Finding love that lasts in your adolescence is the one way to create a fairytale ending. Needless to say, a fairytale ending is merely a fictional account. There is a lot of love rhetoric echoed in our culture like “you’ll find love once you stop looking”, but aren’t we supposed to be finding love now, just as many of our parents did at our age?
Like any frantic Gen Z, I texted all of my friends and asked them if they felt “pressure in love” and if they felt that there was an inherited timeline to find it. As it turned out, most of my single friends were pessimistic about finding love and felt a pressure weighing them down. Here’s what they had to say.
“There’s a lot of pressure regarding the demographic and social aspect of it all. If you’re in a city that is full of people your age and your living the typical university lifestyle then it should be easy to find a significant other, but it’s really not.” - Allie, 20
“[University] seems like a perfect time to meet people, and a lot of people are finding love. At the end of the day, media makes love seem like this whole encompassing thing that everyone craves but I’m not so certain it’s the end all be all.” - Robyn, 19
“I think the pressure comes more internally than externally, especially when I see people who have had lots of relationships in high school and university and I feel like now there’s less time to find my ‘soul mate’. If those people have been through so many relationships and haven’t found the one, how can I with less time?” - Taylor, 20
“There’s a lot of cultural pressures because for me, my parents are Russian and there’s an unspoken standard that you will find a person to marry within university and if you can’t, it’s like, ‘Okay, what’s wrong with you?’”- Devon, 21
Coincidently, most of my friends who were in relationships said that they never felt pressured to be in relationships. Instead, romantic love randomly found its way into their lives. However, they experienced a different sort of pressure; a pressure to experience single life fully in university.
“There’s more of a pressure to not find love because of single culture being so dominant with university nightlife and online dating!” - Alex, 20
“Finding love shouldn’t have a timeline to it. It shouldn’t be a race. If you don’t find love by 25 it doesn’t mean that you’re undesirable!” - Vanessa, 20
“I felt more pressure to be dating than to find true love. I didn’t feel like I needed a soulmate, but I didn’t want to get to a point where I felt so much less experienced than everyone else that dating would feel impossible later on,”- Quinn, 20
“The short answer is no, I don’t feel the pressure to find love in university but I’ve been in a relationship most of my time at school, in which the first one was very all-consuming and overbearing so I actually felt the pressure to be single for once.” -Mary, 20
It’s undeniable that our adolescence is a time of experimentation when it comes to love. We may make dumb decisions that we come to regret, but we can use the lessons from our successes and failures to help navigate the world of dating. Although past successes and failures help us navigate new relationships the pressure still persists: to find something real, raw, lasting and most importantly, loving.
Other pressures come from trying to understand how to balance personal growth and romantic growth. In the infancy of our adult lives, we underestimate how many commitments we already have, and how large of a commitment love is. At some point, we have to give up on some of our commitments, and most of the time it’s a battle between love or loss.
When we open our hearts to love, we also open our hearts to loss. Inevitably we might feel a combination of both. Choosing love is an act of bravery that deserves credit for its commitment to vulnerability and its gamble with loss. The pressure can be grave and intimidating but somehow always finds its way into our lives, in this quest for love or something that feels like it.
This article is part of our Sex and the Steel City, our annual sex-positive issue. Click here to read more content from the special issue.
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