Dating is all about perspective and a journey of self-discovery
Valentine's Day is often portrayed as the most romantic day of the year. It’s supposed to be a day to celebrate love and show appreciation for your significant other, but what about for those who don't have a partner or who have just gone through a breakup?
My dating life has been a . . . turbulent experience to say the least.
My dating life has been a . . . turbulent experience to say the least.
Since May 2022, I’ve dated, or at least been on dates with, five men. Some of them were real heart breakers, some of them ended mutually, some of them I still feel like they were “the one that got away” (cue Katy Perry on Apple Music).
I will not discredit the pain that I have endured with some of them, nor will I discredit how happy others made me. Neither outweigh the other, nor were some more meaningful than others. As cliché as it sounds, each dating encounter was a learning experience and it made me stronger, even if it didn’t feel like it at the time. It pushed me onto a new path and has helped me on the path to self-discovery.
You might be sitting there thinking, “okay, so this guy is trauma dumping for his benefit,” but I would politely disagree. I am trauma dumping hopefully for your benefit. The through line of dating experience is that I learned so much about myself. I’ve learned what I like and what I dislike in relationships and the infamous situationship. I’ve learned about the types of people I thrive with and I’ve learned about the types of people who I don’t necessarily jive with. I’ve been able to form strong bonds, but they didn’t always necessarily last. Every experience — and every man — was unique, different from the last.
Every experience — and every man — was unique, different from the last.
In May 2022, I got out of my second long-term relationship with someone who I adored. I remember the exact date because it happened on the only Friday the 13 in 2022 (go figure something bad would happen on that day). We just went on a ghost walk at the Hermitage Ruins (which by the way, if you haven’t been, definitely check it out because it’s SO creepy). The entire night I could tell something was off and when we got home later that night, I knew a breakup was imminent (maybe I’m a psychic?). Now that it’s been almost a year, I like to joke and say that it was the spirits playing tricks on me.
The relationship was largely long distance, with spurts of in-person periods throughout the school year. While that took a bit of a toll on me, I think I became comfortable not always seeing someone. I recognized that space is important. Now, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t always want to see him, but I was okay knowing that there would be many times I couldn’t. That’s what happens when two people live two busy lives. I have remained very close friends with this person and I wouldn’t have changed a single thing about the time we spent together. Yes, we both made some mistakes, but we’re both human. I’ve forgiven myself for those mistakes and I’m grateful I got to keep the benefits of having this person in my life.
I’ve forgiven myself for those mistakes and I’m grateful I got to keep the benefits of having this person in my life.
Over the summer of 2022, I took some time for myself and went back home, since that’s the one place where I feel I can have my guard down and focus. I took the time to focus on my health, shedding 30 pounds of what I had deemed my “relationship weight”, focused on my passions, hobbies and relearned what it meant to support myself. I had a lot of support from the established people in my life, but also others who were new. Many of my new work colleagues were quick to offer advice, support or their ear to what I was going through — and to those individuals, I will always be grateful for that.
I eventually redownloaded the typical dating apps and started to explore who was out there. The first person who I instantly connected moved from England literally a few weeks before we started talking. I was smitten even though he wasn’t a monarchist. Things were going well, until he told me that he didn’t want a relationship. I was a little hurt because I felt a tad led on, but I didn’t blame him — he was trying to start his life in Toronto, why would he want to be tied down so early on? He was the first guy I really had spoken to since my last long-term relationship and I learned what it was like to start dating again.
Next was someone who I had spoken to at the beginning of COVID who I matched with online. We reconnected and went on a couple dates. Things didn’t necessarily end, but more or less fizzled out. I’m not really sure if there was a lesson associated with this, but it was nice to reconnect with someone who I genuinely admire.
Around October 2022, I got a message on a dating app from another person, who I thought was interesting. He somehow felt different than the men I dated in the past, so I was intrigued. We went on a few dates, but he told me that he wasn’t really looking for anything at the moment. By that point, that phrase kind of took a toll on my mental health. Why was nobody wanting to pursue something with me? It took a lot of reflection to realize that it wasn’t me, rather just the situations I kept finding myself in.
It took a lot of reflection to realize that it wasn’t me, rather just the situations I kept finding myself in.
One day in November, I was scrolling through Instagram and I came across someone who I had a crush on since my second-year. I decided to shoot my shot and message him. To my surprise, he messaged back and we ended up dating for a month and a half. I don’t think I felt as infatuated with someone since my long-term relationship. I would also confidently say that I had some of the best dates I’ve ever been on were with him. Unfortunately, this one also didn’t work out. Although it wasn’t a break up because we weren’t officially in a relationship, it sure as hell felt like one. Let me tell you, it was HARD at some points. In hindsight, I realized that I wasn’t really ready for a relationship either.
Around the same time we started dating, I started therapy for the second time in my life. I was feeling incredibly anxious in all aspects of my life and I know constantly hearing the line “I don’t want a relationship right now but you’re a really great guy” was triggering for me. As ironic as it was, his reason for ending things was also how I was feeling for a while. After talking things over with my mother and my therapist, I came to the realization that I felt my chapter in Hamilton was also nearing its end.
I came to the realization that I felt my chapter in Hamilton was also nearing its end.
I have some regrets about this one. I let some of the interactions with the previous men I dated shape how I perceived the actions of this boy. My past with men not wanting a relationship bled into my present, which caused me to doubt both of our actions and created a self-fulfilling prophecy. With that said, I’m so happy I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and slid into his DMs. It was an absolute pleasure getting to know this individual for the month and a half we dated and for the little bit we talked after. While I’m sad that we couldn’t be friends in the end, it taught me a valuable lesson. Just because things started off great, doesn’t mean they are always going to work out in the end. That’s okay and doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I learned a lot with this one and I will always be thankful for those shared experiences.
And here we are now, February 2023. I’ve once again reconnected with someone who I talked to at the start of the pandemic and we’ve hung out a few times. I’ve also applied to some Master’s programs outside of Hamilton so I can gain new experiences and start my next chapter. I’ve continued therapy and have questioned what is in my control and outside of my control. Rethinking many of the stresses and anxieties in my life through this lens have immensely reshaped my mental and emotional state for the better. I’m once again relearning who I am and what I want both out of life and in a relationship context. I don’t think I’m ready for a long-term relationship, nor do I want one at the moment. I want to focus on myself, maybe go on some dates and meet new people along the way. I would not have come to these realizations if it wasn’t for every single person I dated over the last year. There were a couple in particular who especially shaped my trajectory and they know who they are.
I would not have come to these realizations if it wasn’t for every single person I dated over the last year. There were a couple in particular who especially shaped my trajectory and they know who they are.
I wouldn’t say that things ended overtly well with anybody, but it is all a matter of perspective. Of course, hindsight is 20-20 but I’m not the kind of guy to be bitter about things ending. I strive to end things amicably to seek closure. Reshaping my perspectives on what I initially perceived as “bad dating experiences” and shifting them to learning experiences helped me find that closure.
My hope after reading this article is that if you are in a slump about your dating life — whether you’re queer, straight or anything in between or outside — that you take the time you need to self-reflect and question why you are feeling the way you are. What I want you to take away is that you are still you and you have just learned so much about the person you are supposed to be in the end. Each person we encounter in our lives helps us self-actualize our own potential. It took me a long time to get myself to that perspective and I don’t think you’ll get there overnight. But hopefully with time, you will be able to reflect on your past experiences with people be able to find some sort of inner peace that for better or for worse, that person has changed your life and made you the incredibly resilient person you are today.
How outright and subliminal misogyny in mainstream “self-help” media is taking the fun out of casual dating
By Cassie Wong-Wylie, Contributor
Navigating sexual shame as a girl, teen and, now, a young woman is something that is a very much shared and lived experience for the gross majority of women. Personally, I remember feeling a lot of shame about my sexuality from other women. It was easy to feel less judgment from men who were drawn to sexual prowess.
Fast forward to today, when I now feel relatively secure in my embodied sexuality and work hard to omit shame from my sex life, I find fellowship and power when talking about sexuality with other women. This shift, however, has also come with newfound obstacles. I began to encounter men who view sex as a physical actualization of sexist societal values and their sexual pursuits sought to secure their place as the apex, “alpha”, sex.
I cannot tell if it was my aging that revealed these sorts of men or the landscape around me that caused them to emerge. A landscape that is directly regressive to gender equality and emphatically contributes to homophobia, transphobia, female subjugation and by extension, sexual subjugation. This is namely, the chokehold that right-winged, misogynistic, “personal-growth gurus” like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson seem to have on boys and young men via social media platforms.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny. I can say confidently I have met the men I once thought only existed as hyperbolized wisecracks and parodies of pathetically insecure men my friends and I would joke about. After having met these caricatures, I believe the sensationalized Tate brothers, Jordan Peterson and other men who nonchalantly front self-help through avenues of female subjugation have ruined dating.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny.
This isn’t to say all men have been corrupted by this influence. However, with how influential this mentality has become, I see myself on a night out or a first date dreading that a guy might secretly revere a “boom in her face, grab her neck, shut her up” pseudo-mantra, just to quote one instance where Tate quite literally encourages sexual violence.
It's crazy to be talking to a man and suddenly, with just the slightest reference or name drop to the Tates, you realize he probably thinks you shouldn’t even be speaking when not spoken to. Additionally, having to psychoanalyze everything in a conversation and constantly trying to read between the lines has impeded playful banter. I also admit to the very embarrassing example of when a man says, “I love Jordan Peterson” and I agree, thinking we are being flirtatiously sarcastic, only to realize he is being totally serious when he asks me what the word ‘misogyny’ means.
Even beyond the sphere of conversation in dating, sex and sexual shame has also been impacted by masculinist gurus. The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
Even men who do not ascribe to these channels and condemn the figureheads are not immune to the subliminal domination sex “commands”. Though it may not swing to the extremes, just ask the people in your life their thoughts about choking or a hand on her throat during foreplay and I bet you would be shocked by the number of people who say it’s so normal that it’s almost obligatory. Now, while that might not be directly oppressive, it still contributes to a culture focusing on male domination in the bedroom.
Although male domination during sex may simply be just a social symptom of millennia of patriarchy, celebrities who are deified based on upholding repressive values will have further impacts. Who's to say what the next version of the playful choke is? With pop culture becoming radicalized, I wouldn’t doubt overt, sexual and non-consensual male domination to follow suit, particularly as the young generations of TikTok kids become sexually active.
This isn’t to say that dating, men or sex need to be sworn off. Although the dating field has changed and new litmus tests for partners are required, I try not to allow advances from men who gain security in their lives by denigrating women’s autonomy as the oppressive force it aims to be. Instead, I hope to find renewed communion with women and establish strongholds of support as we are forced to fortify our status as equally alpha. Ultimately, I hope we all find refuge from sexual shame in each other, and not in a hollow, Tate-esc cult of personality.
Local speeding dating project is creating an inclusive space for dating and reconnecting community following the pandemic
Happy Hour Speeding Dating sets out to have people meet face-to-face before "swiping right". Their host events for different age groups and sexual and gender orientations with the aim of being a safe space for those who attend.
Samantha Bendo, the creator, formulated this idea in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. While on maternity leave, she had found herself wanting to give space to people to meet in-person, after such a long period of isolation.
“After COVID it was just very, very weird. I feel like people [were] disconnected [and] kind of scared of each other. So I just felt like it would be a nice thing to bring people together. Obviously, if people find love then that’s kind of an extra bonus but I just thought it would be a positive way to reconnect the community,” said Bendo.
Bendo had worked part-time as a bartender at Side Door Bar and is friends with Jackie Lagos, one of the owners. Lagos was kind enough to help bring her idea into real life by providing space.
The Side Door Bar themselves opened in 2019, just as the pandemic hit, and overcame the struggle of maintaining a business during lockdowns. The bar hosts many of events, such as vintage markets, pop-ups and trivia nights. Like many of these events, Happy Hour Speed Dating served as another way to reach out to more people for the bar.
“[Side Door Bar] had been struggling throughout [COVID-19] to get people in the bar. They had to pivot; they did a lot of take-home cocktails and were really creative to keep the bar open during the pandemic. [Happy Hour Speed Dating] is a post-pandemic way of getting people to the bar—getting people to connect,” said Bendo.
Bendo runs these speed dating events entirely on her own, as she does social media work, promotions and execution of the events. With an undergraduate degree in English and Multimedia from McMaster and a marketing degree from Mohawk, Bendo has a strong background in the work she does and she enjoys herself while doing it.
For each Happy Hour Speed Dating event, Bendo organizes the sign-ups and attempts to have a balanced distribution of genders. For instance, for heterosexual-oriented events, she aims to have around 10 men and 10 women-identifying attendees. Once this is confirmed, usually 48 hours before an event, instructions are sent on how the night itself will be conducted.
“If you purchase a ticket the first thing that happens is I send you an email — like a feedback form. That’s just a little bit of information about you: your name, age, how you heard about us, location. . .and what events you’d like to see,” said Bendo.
Over the summer they did patio events but have since transitioned to indoor events given the weather change. Outdoor events start with entering the Side Door Bar at 7:15 p.m. latest. Each ticket comes with a complimentary drink of choice. From there, attendees can purchase additional drinks at their happy hour rate.
Bendo will then commence the night with a few words, announcing the start the speed dating portion of the night. Throughout the event, there are breaks and it’s concluded by a final portion of the night to meet with everyone.
Bendo hopes to foster a safe space for people to talk while meeting. During her opening remarks, she highlights how it’s a night to meet people. Every event she’s hosted so far has had a zero-tolerance policy for any form of offensive behaviour towards others. Despite this, she shared how she’s not experienced any hostile people as everyone comes to the event with a common goal of friendly socialization and reconnection with others in the community.
“I do make sure it is a safe space. Anyone that’s rude, you’re gone. We do have a no-tolerance policy. It’s not written [but enforced],” said Bendo.
Happy Hour Speed Dating was born in the midst of the pandemic as an opportunity for folks to connect with people beyond their screens. Not every connection formed must be romantic, but it’s an open door to try.
What happens when your sister starts dating your close friend?
By: Niko Haloulos, Contributor
When my sister started dating one of my closest friends, I felt like I was looking into a kaleidoscope. I was distracted by the twisting shapes of my emotions, thoughts and feelings, but as time went on, I decided to look at their relationship as a full, unified pattern and it changed everything.
When we were allowed to see a few friends outdoors, I hosted a 19th birthday party. As smoke and laughter filled the air, I peeked over to see that my friend had snuck into the chair beside my sister. I guess they had been talking the entire night, even though they had never met before.
I woke up the next day and realized that my sister was acting giddier than normal. When I asked her about it, she simply said, “You know, if your friend there ever asks for my number, you can give it to him.”
Suddenly I realized that my friend and my sister had begun to develop something that they both thought was special. I couldn’t hinder that so when I met up with my friend a few days later, I offered to give him my sister’s phone number. He accepted.
I did not think much about the consequences of setting them up. It seemed like pretty standard procedure, just passing along a phone number and encouraging my friend to ask her out on a date.
At the time of the party, my sister was only a few months removed from a gruelling breakup so this felt like a good way for her to meet someone for whom I had the utmost respect, trust and love. For my friend, it was a chance for him to meet someone who would help him become a better man. So why did I have such a problem with it?
My sister was only a few months removed from a gruelling breakup so this felt like a good way for her to meet someone for whom I had the utmost respect, trust and love. For my friend, it was a chance for him to meet someone who would help him become a better man. So why did I have such a problem with it?
I began to close myself off from the two of them and I felt myself disliking my friend for a few weeks. I constantly reminded myself that I had offered to share my sister’s phone number and that I had known that he would be a really, really good match for her. Even though I knew this deep down, on the surface I could not help but feel like they were pulling themselves away from me.
I knew I could trust my friend but suddenly, like the flip of a switch, I went into protective brother mode. I couldn’t look at my friend without wondering how he was going to treat my sister poorly and though I know she can stand up for herself, it felt necessary.
Whenever my friend would come to the house, it felt like my sister and I were fighting over him. I would only be allowed in the basement for a certain amount of time because eventually she would ask to be alone with him.
I would throw the “Well, he was my friend first. Why can’t I talk to him?” and my sister would become frustrated. I said passive-aggressive things about their relationship and got angry whenever she said he was coming over.
Soon enough, my sister became worried that I had a problem with their relationship and the anxiety in her expression when she asked me was devastating.
I didn’t own anybody. My sister is strong and knows her own worth, but for her to suddenly think that she would be offending me was a wake-up call.
My friend, too, became worried that he had crossed some kind of line. He asked my sister if I was truly unhappy about them being together and said he wished I would talk to him personally. When my sister told me what he had said, I was saddened.
I had been blinded so much by my pride that I forgot to consider one thing: happiness. Being with my friend had brought a sparkle to my sister’s eyes that had been absent for a long time. My friend, too, slowly began to change, becoming more mature.
I had been blinded so much by my pride that I forgot to consider one thing: happiness. Being with my friend had brought a sparkle to my sister’s eyes that had been absent for a long time. My friend, too, slowly began to change, becoming more mature.
After long talks with my sister and my friend, we reached a better place. We still had some small riffs, but the instances of disagreement became more lighthearted, rather than rooted in jealousy and regret.
When he came over to see my sister, I knew my only role was as the brother. When my friend and I planned to hang out, I didn’t discourage him from saying hi to my sister.
I’ve realized that all three of us have become stronger emotionally by sharing this love that propels itself in different directions. My trust in my friend has grown exponentially because of how he has treated my sister.
While we’ve always been close, I have been able to communicate more openly with my sister since her relationship with my friend started.
The awkwardness took time to clear and I had to communicate very openly about how I felt. Now I’m still standing in the middle ground, figuring out how to equally distribute my time between my friend and my sister and not get in the way of something truly special.
Their relationship is not a violation, but more of an invitation for me to explore just how appreciative I can be about something that is so genuine, pure and beautiful.
How the Aphrodite Project and similar projects have changed dating
As the pandemic continues to surge and COVID-19 regulations remain in place, many are finding romance and fun. From dating apps to newly-designed matching algorithms, students are being matched by the thousands from the comfort of their beds. This is especially true when it comes to university students in Canada, including at McMaster.
Rates of online dating usage have increased since the beginning of the pandemic. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid and many other apps have all reported increased use.
However, in addition to a rise in online dating app usage, there have been many innovative projects seeking to help students bound to their homes and laptops find a match.
Perhaps most notable among these projects is the Aphrodite Project. The Aphrodite Project is an algorithm that matches students based on their responses in a long questionnaire.
The project was designed by two University of Toronto exchange students, with the first trial of the software having been trialled in Singapore in 2019. After it was clear the algorithm was a success and full of promise, it was adapted to Canadian universities, starting with U of T and the University of Waterloo.
The site is now open to students across many universities, including McMaster. For many, this algorithm was a success and a way to find love and happiness amid the pandemic.
Among students who found love through this algorithm last year is Karin Lie, a fourth-year student at the University of Waterloo studying psychology.
“I was very impressed,” Lie explained. “We did get along very well.”
The first batch of matching in Canada was completed in 2020, with thousands of students being matched prior to Valentine’s Day. The developers of the Aphrodite Project even opened up a special version of their algorithm, Aphrodite Project: Pandemic Edition.
This targeted students amid the onset of the pandemic, which hoped to offer students an opportunity to meet someone and be distracted from the gloomy times of 2020.
In addition to the Aphrodite Project designed by students at U of T, there are similar projects that have been designed specifically for students at Mac. Among these are Match At Mac, which was run over the summer of 2020 and Mac Aphrodite Project.
These operate similarly to the Aphrodite Project designed at U of T in which Mac students fill out questionnaires and are matched with what is calculated to be the best possible option. Students participating in the Mac Aphrodite Project received their matches on Feb. 13, 2021.
These projects are important this year, as the transition to online learning at universities has presented challenges to many, with fewer opportunities available for socializing and romance. For many students, these algorithms offer a more thoughtful and personalized way to meet potential matches that involves more than swiping right or left.
Although romance and love are obviously never guaranteed, these platforms offer a new and unique way to meet people. As an alternative to conventional dating applications, more personalized platforms like Aphrodite Project have the potential to become pivotal to online dating and match-making.
Among the students frustrated with dating apps during the pandemic is Abby Liznick, a second-year health sciences student at McMaster.
“At a time when we are all longing for a connection and the ability to spend quality time with others, many turn to dating apps to find instant companionship,” said Liznick. “While these connections temporarily fill the social void left by the pandemic, they are just that — only temporary.”
These matchmaking projects are a testament to the adaptability and innovation people have come up during the pandemic. They offer a glimmer of hope for those who are unable to otherwise experience romance or socializing due to the social restrictions, especially those who are hesitant to try online dating apps.
Marzan Hamid, a second-year health sciences student, took a chance over the summer of 2020 and completed the Match At Mac questionnaire, eventually to be matched with someone later that year.
“I think it’s really great that students are taking the initiative to connect others, especially during these unique circumstances,” explained Hamid. “It’s nice to find out that there are still creative ways to meet new people even during a pandemic. I’m sure this will benefit many of my peers!”
“I think it’s really great that students are taking the initiative to connect others, especially during these unique circumstances,” explained Hamid. “It’s nice to find out that there are still creative ways to meet new people even during a pandemic. I’m sure this will benefit many of my peers!”
Thousands of people have been matched by recently-made dating algorithms. This is in addition to the huge rise in usage of dating apps like Tinder since the pandemic began. The future looks bright for dating among university students stuck at home.
Artist: Edwin Thomas, @edwinthomas__
Title: his last valentine
Medium: single-line digital drawing with watercolour
Description: A first glance, the drawing appears to portray a man giving his girlfriend flowers. However, the details show both individuals with tears leaving their eyes, trying to keep themselves composed in front of each other. It depicts a failed attempt at saving a relationship by making an effort for Valentine's Day. While the flowers appear to be a nice gesture, both individuals know that their relationship is not going to last for much longer. In a way, the flowers are an apology to his girlfriend for his lack of effort in the relationship.
Artist: Jenna Iacobucci, @jennaiacobucci
Title: Pose me (1-5)
Medium: Ink illustration
Description: As with many, growing up with a conservative mindset brings a lot to overcome. But why should we be so scared to appease others? Each person offers a different experience, different backstory, different perspective, different strengths and different struggles — and it's wonderful. If only everyone could appreciate the beautiful composition of shapes they are.
Artist: Jenna Iacobucci, @jennaiacobucci
Title: Comfort (1-2)
Medium: Photography
Description: Do what you need to do to make yourself feel confident. From personal experience — turtle necks, baggy sweaters, long pants and censorship has only brought me delayed anxiety and stress in relations. I truly push for everyone to understand themselves. Don't hide.
Artist: Steffi Arkilander, @peachlily.png
Title: love is domesticity
Medium: Digital
Description: 2SLGBTQIA+ love is often fetishized and over-sexualized. However, 2SLGBTQIA+ love is so much more than how it’s stereotyped — it can be soft, gentle, kind. In this piece, I wanted to highlight the importance of soft, domestic 2SLGBTQIA+ love. I took inspiration from watching and reading about 2SLGTBQIA+ in media and also from my own life experiences to come up with this piece. “love is domesticity” highlights a queer couple watching television together and cuddling during a night in.
Artist: Emelia Da Silva, @emeliainbloom
Medium: Photography
CW: Biphobia, transphobia
Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears. For too long I’ve had to put up with the same bullshit. This little bi is here to set the record straight. Biphobia and bisexual erasure are a daily reality for bisexual and pansexual people alike. Even amongst the LGBTQ2SIA+ community, biphobia runs rampant. While I have noticed an improvement in recent years, there are still a number of myths about bi folks that remain. Let’s bust them.
Myth I: Bisexuality is transphobic
There is a common misconception that bisexuality is transphobic because it refers to attraction to only cisgender men and women. There are a number of reasons that this is wrong, but to begin with, trans and non-binary people can be bi.
“But Lauren, bi means two,” you say. “So you must only like men and women.”
Listen buddy, you’re being pedantic. Yes, technically the bi in bisexuality is meant to indicate an attraction to two genders. However, bisexuality was first recognized back when the idea of being transgender or non-binary was mostly rejected by Western society. At the time (and still, sometimes, today) society only recognized two genders. Our understanding of gender has evolved over time, and so has the definition of what it means to be bi.
It’s easy to say that bisexual folks are attracted to cis men and women, whereas pansexual folks are attracted to everything in between. It puts us into neat and tidy boxes. It’s easy to do that, but oh boy is it ever wrong. In my experience, the only difference between bi and pan is whatever label feels more comfortable to you. Personally, I just feel more comfortable with bi.
My sexuality isn’t limited to the definition of bisexuality, but it feels necessary for me to have that label in order to exist in a society that is defined by labels. My romantic and sexual orientation is messy and complex and trying to fit it into a neat and tidy box is like Cinderella’s stepsisters trying to fit their feet into the glass slippers. Just because it’s easier for you to say I’m only attracted to men and women doesn’t mean it’s true.
Myth I: BUSTED!
MYTH II: Bisexuals are confused
On one side of the biphobia coin is the idea that all bi folks are one step away from coming out as gay or lesbian. Yes, it’s true that some people will use bisexuality as a way to experiment with their sexuality and branch out. Hey, coming out sucks, and I absolutely understand people who want to get comfortable first. That doesn’t mean all bi and pan people are just deluding themselves, it just means that some people may not be comfortable coming out without a transition period.
The other side of this coin is the idea that bisexuals are actually just straight and are either confused or looking for attention. For a long time, I thought that I was just confused. I’ll be honest, I actually went back into the closet because I was convinced that other people were bi, but I was attracted to men so I guess I must be straight. I doubted my own damn sexuality, which is nonsense and ridiculous. No one should be made to feel that way.
Myth II: BUSTED!
Myth III: Bisexuals are promiscuous
Disclaimer before we get into this: I am NOT saying that it’s a bad thing to have sex. Have sex with as many or as few people as you want, I support you wholeheartedly! The thing that I do take issue with is people thinking that someone’s sexuality means that they want to sleep with you.Bisexuality is an identity, not an invitation.
Have you ever tried navigating a dating app as a bi person? There are three main camps of people you’ll run into. First, unicorn hunters. As a rule, this is a heterosexual couple looking for a threesome. As I’ve mentioned, it’s gross to assume that someone’s sexuality means they want to have sex with you. Buddy, it is not my fault that you can’t please your girlfriend on your own. Buy a vibrator and leave me out of it.
The second group is biphobic people that think that bi folks aren’t queer. I am so tired of the “you must be this gay to ride” trope. It’s a relationship, not a rollercoaster. I can’t believe I need to say this, but bi people aren’t inherently more likely to cheat on you than anyone else. Just because we’re attracted to more than one gender doesn’t mean we can’t commit to one person.
The third and final group is decent human beings who actually want to date you, bless their hearts.
Myth III: BUSTED!
Myth IV: Bisexuals in relationships have chosen a side”
There is an assumption that bi people in committed relationships have “decided” that they are gay or they are straight. This is so unspeakably invalidating. It makes me feel like I’m right back in the closet again. Not everyone is out here looking for a polyamorous relationship (although if you are, more power to you), some people just want to settle down with one person. That shouldn’t and doesn’t invalidate their identity. Your relationship status doesn’t define your sexuality.
Myth IV: BUSTED!
Sometimes I feel like people have forgotten what the B stands for in LGBTQ2SIA+. It’s not bananas, folks. A part of common human decency is to respect the way that people identify. I don’t need to justify my sexuality to anyone, and I shouldn’t have to. Neither should you. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
This article is part of our Sex and the Steel City, our annual sex-positive issue. Click here to read more content from the special issue.
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By: Alannah DeAngelis, Contributor
Dates can be a fun way to get to know your partner better and try new things together. Between school, catching up on all your Netflix shows and hanging out with your friends, it can be tough to make time for date nights. Try out these five date ideas where you can stay on campus and avoid breaking the bank!
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Planetarium Show
The W. J. McCallion Planetarium, in the basement of BSB, is an out-of-this world date idea! Shows run Wednesday nights and there is a new theme each week. Learn about outer space, stars, planets, comets and more. For more information, check out the McMaster Planetarium website.
Cost: $7 per person.
Photo by Matty Flader / Photo Reporter
Video Game Room in Lyons New Media Centre
Get your game on in the Video Games room on the 4th floor of Mills to find out which of you is the “Mario Kart” champion! There are five game consoles that you can choose from: Wii, Xbox One, Xbox 360, PS3 and PS4. They offer many games to play, all of which are available to rent for free. Bookings for this space can be made for up to 2 hours per day for all McMaster students.
Cost: Free! Just bring your student card to rent the controllers and games.
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McMaster Museum of Art
Check out some cool art with your partner at the McMaster Museum of Art right on campus. The museum is recognized internationally for its European paintings, drawings and prints. It is also known for its specialist collection of early 20th century German prints. This highly notable museum is just steps away from the Student Centre.
Cost: Pay what you can (suggested donation is $2).
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Trivia Night at the Phoenix
Test your knowledge at the Phoenix Bar and Grill’s Trivia Night, which happens every Tuesday at 7 p.m.. The theme changes each week, so you are sure to never be bored. Top teams will win gift cards to the Phoenix; perfect to use for another date night!
Cost: Free when you purchase food or drinks.
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Hike at Cootes
McMaster is surrounded by beautiful hiking trails with breathtaking views. Go for a hike at Cootes (start at the trail behind the Alpine tower) and explore what nature has to offer in McMaster’s backyard. Notably, the Sassafrass trail includes a lookout platform onto Lake Ontario. Who knows, maybe you will even see some deer along the way!
Cost: Free!
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By: Anonymous contributor
I never imagined that I would date my teaching assistant. I also never imagined that I would have a “W” on my transcript from dropping their class. Dating my TA was probably one of the worst decisions of my undergraduate degree.
When I got into a relationship with my TA last semester, I didn’t think it was too big of a deal. Dating your TA is much more socially-accepted than dating your professor or course instructor.
For one, the age differences between you and your TA aren’t always that big. My TA was two years older than me, but I’ve had TAs who were my age or younger. In that case, it’s hard to impose a ban against two consenting 20-somethings dating.
But what a lot of people don’t recognize is that there’s a power imbalance when dating your TA. Even when they’re the same age, or a bit older, there’s the fact that the TA is in a position that can strongly influence your academics and career.
When I had talked with my TA about our relationship, he told me that the department frowned upon student-TA relationships but there was no strict rule against them. While he was “required” to fill out a conflict-of-interest form, nobody forced him too. As long as he gave my assignments to another TA to grade, nobody batted an eye at our relationship.
I don’t think that’s enough. Especially in classes where TAs are asked to deliver lectures or hold review sessions, it’s not enough to require TAs in relationships with their students to not directly grade their work. Their presence alone influences their students’ marks.
Even when I got out of the relationship, I still felt ashamed and embarrassed every time I had to see him in tutorial or lecture. When I found out that he had marked my midterm, I was angry but didn’t know what to do. It’s difficult to tell your professor the reason you want to switch tutorials or have your test remarked is because you slept with your TA.
In the end, I ended up dropping the class and dodging questions from people asking me why. I still see my TA around campus, however, and I’m scared that I’ll be assigned to his class again. I’ve been so anxious that I’m even considering switching programs to avoid him.
A conflict of interest policy is not sufficient. I reviewed Mac’s conflict of interest policy for employees and there is a section that states that a conflict of interest is present when an employee of the university engages in an “intimate relationship with a person who relies upon them for opportunities to further their academic or employment career”.
However, the only actions an individual must take when this conflict arises is to report to their direct supervisor, who can then decide if the “conflict is confirmed”. If it is, then the case is moved to higher-ups who decide what sort of actions need to be taken to remove the conflict.
But by the time that decision is made, it’s probably too far into the semester to make any changes. In my case, my TA didn’t bother disclosing our relationship since he knew the only action that was required was that he didn’t grade my work.
Even though it states in the policy that failure to report will result in “appropriate disciplinary procedures”, I’m not confident that the university enforces this.
McMaster University should protect their students by banning student-TA, or any student-faculty, relationships altogether. These relationships have harmful power dynamics that blur the lines of consent, and can sometimes be considered sexual harassment or assault.
I’m not saying that all student-TA relationships end poorly. Sometimes it really is just bad timing when two people happen to meet. But if a relationship is meant to be, it can wait till the end of the semester to begin.
Dating your TA seems like a fun and sexy experience. In reality, this kind of relationship can be complicated, embarrassing and act as a huge stress on your academics and your mental health. Honestly, that cute TA isn’t worth it.
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The bar you’ve never heard of date
So you’re going out with a cool cat, eh? But you’re feeling a little scared that they’re going to find out that you have a tendency to talk to your cats for too long and you have an active relationship with the cast of New Girl? Well, first, tell them all of that because you sound like a dream. Second, dare to show them that cat lovers and New Girl diehards are cool too.
What screams “I deserve to be at this underground music show?” Culottes (Alice & UO Enalle Tie-Waist Culotte Pant, $82)! Topped with a bow. Like the present you are.
Amp up the sexy calf action going on with some sleek leather heels (Kelsi Dagger Brooklyn Lexington Heel, $145), and make sure they have a thick heel because you’re gonna be dancing like you know all the lyrics. Complete your otherwise black outfit with a blush tank featuring daring crochet work (Project Social T Andi Side-Tie Tank Top, $42).
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The Netflix and chill date
Hopefully this date was posed ironically, with the unintended consequence that the most notorious date of them all was born. Societal expectations for Valentine’s Day plans be gone!
But just because you’re breaking the Valentine’s norm, doesn’t mean you have to break every norm. Gettin’ sexy, for example, is a great norm. So what to wear?
Well, because you two are being so cheeky, go with the obvious route here: match your undies to your mood with cheekier undies (Everly Lace Cheeky Boyshort, $10), and then slip into a Parisian-looking bra (Kimchi Blue Serena Applique Bra, $49) that won’t sacrifice the comfort promised with Netflix and Chill evenings. Top the look off with some over-the-knee socks (Lightweight Button Thigh-High Thermal Sock, $16) and the fuzziest pair of slippers (UO Fluffy Slipper, $14.99) you have.
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The “I’m going broke” dinner date
You’re pulling out all the stops this Valentine’s Day, opting for an over-the-top traditional candlelit dinner at a restaurant where you will be the only ones who aren’t thirty or forty something. It’s fun pretending to not care about money, isn’t it? Yes, it really is.
Tonight, start with something that makes it look like you boldly accept all traditions that go along with Valentine’s Day – an elegant red number (Keepsake Interlude Lace Bodycon Dress, $219 or a shorter option, Silence + Noise Mekka Strappy-Red Dress, $109). But then bring out that twenty something rebellious nature and throw on a denim jacket that boldly displays your nineties roots (Kimchi Blue Woodstock Embroidered Denim Jacket, $129), a pair of ankle boots (Isabella Buckle Ankle Boot, $104) and some whimsical anklets (Polka Dot Anklet Sock, $16)!
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The you-suck-a-lot date
So your date is taking you to Hawaii? Fuck you. Wear this though: (Out From Under Printed Longline Underwire Bikini Top, $54 and Out From Under Printed Flat High-Waisted Bikini Bottom, $54).
Accessorize!
No outtift is complete without a few pieces of jewelery. Your date might have a piece waiting for you at your date, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, so don’t leave with an incomplete outfit. These small details can really tie your outfit together and take it to fashion-blogger level. Depending on your personality, it can be small and subdued, like a ring, but can also be a statement piece that’s big and sparkly.
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