(Guess which titles we made up, and which ones we read at Cosmo.com)

Legitimate Cosmo titles are marked with a *

538 ways to get your partner to climax

That’s just unreasonable.

Are you a Betty or a Veronica in bed?

Is your name Veronica or Elizabeth? No? Then probably not.

*How to get an orgasm while sitting on the dryer

Honestly we have no idea.

*What to do when your va-jay-jay feels weird after sex

Visit your gynecologist! Seriously. We have no idea what’s going on with you down there. We’ve probably never even met.

Best erogenous zones

Your junk.

*Handjobs for beginners

Actually we were going to run this, but ran out of issues. Look for it next year!

How to let him know what you want in bed

Talk to him. Email him. Text him. Use your words.

*What do real men think about cleavage?

Not really sure of the distinction between “men” and “real men.” Probably has nothing to do with what they think about cleavage.

Tips and tricks to tell if your crush is into you

If they say “yes” when you ask them if they like you, that’s usually a pretty good sign.

*Preparing for your first holiday with your manfriend

I don’t recommend a family vacation.

The Forbidden Fruit: Incorporating food into your love life

So long as it doesn’t involve deep-frying and/or barbecuing you’re pretty much in the clear.

How to please your man

Blowjobs. Seriously. That’s all these articles come down to.