Truthfully, I have no taste.
I eavesdrop conspicuously on every ANDY meeting, sitting not-so-silently from my desk, trying to acquire some artistic and cultural knowledge by osmosis.
But so far, it has not been successful.
At the end of the day, I still like bad horror films.
Sure, well-produced, intelligent thrillers are great, don’t get me wrong: I love a good scary movie.
But I adore a bad one. The predictable plots, the clichéd camera trickery, and the truly atrocious acting. For years now, I have been on the hunt for the kitschiest horror film the internet can bring me, and my search has not been in vain. Here, for you, is a list of the best worst scary movies my mind has not repressed over time, scored arbitrarily because I can’t decide what I love most:
(For those of you that genuinely want to be scared, I recommend The Strangers or El Orfanato (The Orphanage), to be watched alone in an empty, darkened house with a cranky heating system.)
The Stepfather (2009) – 12% on Rotten Tomatoes – I’ve-watched-it-four-times
In a misguided attempt for originality, the movie begins by divulging the identity of the killer to the audience. The storyline is, as a result, fantastically predictable and the murders themselves, while varied, are uninventive.
When a Stranger Calls (2006) – 9% on Rotten Tomatoes – 4 out of 10 stairs
Do not run up the stairs. That is never a good idea. The killer can, and will, grab your ankles. Come on.
It (1990) –64% on Rotten Tomatoes – 1 out of 2 parts
One among many Stephen King novels brought to the screen, this was initially released as a mini-series, but I watched It as a two-sided DVD. The scariest part of the movie is an unfortunately memorable make-out scene.
Red Riding Hood (2011) – 11% on Rotten Tomatoes – 3 quarters of a waxing moon
Directed by Catherine Hardwicke, the director of Twilight. That is all.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – 15% on Rotten Tomatoes - 5 out of 5 rake-fingers
This remake earned an impressive 80 per cent lower than the original. I can’t decide whether this is because the acting is so bad or because – no. Never mind. I can decide. It’s the acting.
Jennifer’s Body (2009) – 43% on Rotten Tomatoes – 4 out of 5 points of the pentagram
This movie went out to be a film pandering to teenagers, and hit all the marks: a soundtrack of all pop-music, unimaginative humour and moderate necking. Not to mention the plot, which focused on the demonic possession of Megan Fox. Also her cleavage.
Prom Night (2008) – 8% on Rotten Tomatoes – 3 out of 4 wrist corsages
Yet another remake. But this time, not even the original was good. The characters are even less dimensional than actual prom-goers.
The Roommate (2011) – 4% on Rotten Tomatoes – 3 out of 5 stars
Rotten Tomatoes says “The Roommate isn’t even bad enough to be good,” but I wholeheartedly disagree. It is plenty bad enough. Only slightly less scary than an actual dorm experience, but at least it doesn’t last eight months.
Sleepaway Camp (1983) – 70% on Rotten Tomatoes – 6 sleeps out of 10
I don’t want to spoil anything, but this movie may or may not have the weirdest twist ending I have ever seen. To this day, I do not know whether this movie is a good horror movie, or a bad horror movie, based solely on this ending. I am so conflicted.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2009) – 20% on Rotten Tomatoes – 1 bird .gif out of 2
That’s right. Two bird .gifs. That is 100% of the movie’s special effects. I guess it makes sense though when you consider they apparently only had enough budget for one camera. And a tripod on rent.
Hannibal (2001) – 39% on Rotten Tomatoes – 4 out of 5 fava beans
A sequel to one of my all-time favourites – Silence of the Lambs – this movie does it no justice. There is a scene with someone eating their own brain though, so that’s fun.
Paranormal Activity (2007) – 80% on Rotten Tomatoes – 7 ghosts out of who knows how many
A bit of a controversial choice on a bad movies list, I know, but bear with me. The documentary style drags the movie to a crawl and the plot is non-existent. The only thing about this movie that scares me is that enough people felt it warranted three sequels.
Children of the Corn (2009) – no score on Rotten Tomatoes – 8 out of 10 kernels
A made-for-TV remake of a movie based on a Stephen King book: going in we know this is going to be good (and by good I of course mean awful). Though both fundamentalists and children are things that scare me, this movie did not. The creators inexplicably added a juvenile sex scene though, which was very unsettling.
The Thing
Starring: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton
Directed by: Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.
2.5/5 Stars
Sean Hardy
It’s hard to imagine what films today would be like had flicks like those of the Saw and Hostel franchises never seen the light of day. Given our generation’s clear preference for excess over nuance in almost all aspects of life, this must seem like a far-fetched notion indeed.
Realistically speaking, it’s hard to articulate what the modern horror genre would even be without its familiar buckets of gut-wrenching gore, aside from quick cuts of scared teenagers running around and occasional cameos by washed-up rappers. The real question, though, is what this suggests about us. Are we losing our ability to be “cleverly” entertained?
Shocking though it may be to some of us, there once was a time when “horror” implied more than mass murder portrayed in stunning realism, when aspects of the genre like suspense and atmosphere weren’t just remnants of an earlier time.
On my way to see The Thing this weekend, I prayed that a modern remake of the original classic would do something to bring back the finesse for which horror was once known. I probably shouldn’t have got my hopes up.
By now you surely know the story in some form, whether by way of the earlier Thing movies or one of the innumerable copycats for which they are at least partly responsible. It’s the plot upon which so many modern horror movies have been grafted: research team goes to isolated outpost in remote part of the world to investigate discovery of unusual specimen, specimen goes absolutely apeshit, expendable characters start dying. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Without giving away too much, the specific plot structure of this movie and its predecessors is such that the plot is set up to be suspenseful right from the get-go, with each of the various characters not knowing which of the others to trust.
On paper the premise is perfectly calibrated to allow for maximal suspense, and in a way the movie attempts to play to this very obvious strength. The action is generally well-shot, the Antarctic imagery is striking and the acting is passable, even convincing at times.
Things go off the rails with the over-the-top gratuity, which, given the modern horror landscape, probably should have been anticipated. When it comes to the film’s moments of actual violence, absolutely nothing is left to the imagination, ultimately diminishing the effect that they could have had were things implied rather than spelled out in disturbing detail.
I did not, for instance, need to see someone’s face disintegrating in real time in order to be properly scared. To be honest, the most powerful moments are those in which bone-headed brutality is eschewed for moments of terse, muted tension between the central characters.
Such moments make it all the more devastating when said characters ultimately meet their end. In this respect, the movie succeeds; the problem, sadly, is that moments like these are few and far between.
What, then, are we to learn from The Thing? Well, if most of my sentiments thus far have been any indication, you shouldn’t expect much. As it stands, The Thing represents a discouragingly standard foray into the modern, ultra-graphic horror genre.
Though it is not without its strong points, it ultimately falls short, offering little in the way of thematic innovation or departures from the trusted modern formula of gratuitous violence and gore.
