How outright and subliminal misogyny in mainstream “self-help” media is taking the fun out of casual dating

By Cassie Wong-Wylie, Contributor 

Navigating sexual shame as a girl, teen and, now, a young woman is something that is a very much shared and lived experience for the gross majority of women. Personally, I remember feeling a lot of shame about my sexuality from other women. It was easy to feel less judgment from men who were drawn to sexual prowess.  

Fast forward to today, when I now feel relatively secure in my embodied sexuality and work hard to omit shame from my sex life, I find fellowship and power when talking about sexuality with other women. This shift, however, has also come with newfound obstacles. I began to encounter men who view sex as a physical actualization of sexist societal values and their sexual pursuits sought to secure their place as the apex, “alpha”, sex. 

I cannot tell if it was my aging that revealed these sorts of men or the landscape around me that caused them to emerge. A landscape that is directly regressive to gender equality and emphatically contributes to homophobia, transphobia, female subjugation and by extension, sexual subjugation. This is namely, the chokehold that right-winged, misogynistic, “personal-growth gurus” like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson seem to have on boys and young men via social media platforms. 

Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny. I can say confidently I have met the men I once thought only existed as hyperbolized wisecracks and parodies of pathetically insecure men my friends and I would joke about. After having met these caricatures, I believe the sensationalized Tate brothers, Jordan Peterson and other men who nonchalantly front self-help through avenues of female subjugation have ruined dating.  

Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny.

This isn’t to say all men have been corrupted by this influence. However, with how influential this mentality has become, I see myself on a night out or a first date dreading that a guy might secretly revere a “boom in her face, grab her neck, shut her up” pseudo-mantra, just to quote one instance where Tate quite literally encourages sexual violence.  

It's crazy to be talking to a man and suddenly, with just the slightest reference or name drop to the Tates, you realize he probably thinks you shouldn’t even be speaking when not spoken to. Additionally, having to psychoanalyze everything in a conversation and constantly trying to read between the lines has impeded playful banter. I also admit to the very embarrassing example of when a man says, “I love Jordan Peterson” and I agree, thinking we are being flirtatiously sarcastic, only to realize he is being totally serious when he asks me what the word ‘misogyny’ means.  

Even beyond the sphere of conversation in dating, sex and sexual shame has also been impacted by masculinist gurus. The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.  

The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.

Even men who do not ascribe to these channels and condemn the figureheads are not immune to the subliminal domination sex “commands”. Though it may not swing to the extremes, just ask the people in your life their thoughts about choking or a hand on her throat during foreplay and I bet you would be shocked by the number of people who say it’s so normal that it’s almost obligatory. Now, while that might not be directly oppressive, it still contributes to a culture focusing on male domination in the bedroom.  

Although male domination during sex may simply be just a social symptom of millennia of patriarchy, celebrities who are deified based on upholding repressive values will have further impacts. Who's to say what the next version of the playful choke is? With pop culture becoming radicalized, I wouldn’t doubt overt, sexual and non-consensual male domination to follow suit, particularly as the young generations of TikTok kids become sexually active.  

This isn’t to say that dating, men or sex need to be sworn off. Although the dating field has changed and new litmus tests for partners are required, I try not to allow advances from men who gain security in their lives by denigrating women’s autonomy as the oppressive force it aims to be. Instead, I hope to find renewed communion with women and establish strongholds of support as we are forced to fortify our status as equally alpha. Ultimately, I hope we all find refuge from sexual shame in each other, and not in a hollow, Tate-esc cult of personality.  

Sarah O'Connor / The Silhouette

When I was little I was often at the misfortune of having burrs thrown in my hair.

There I would be, playing on the playground when some boys would run over laughing, pelting the girls with burrs as they stuck in their clothes and most importantly our hair.

We would cry whilst trying to pull the burrs out of our hair. We’d stop because of the pain. We’d run to a teacher, pointing at the boys secretly waiting for their punishment.

But the teachers would smile at us and simply say, “That just means he likes you.”

My parents thankfully thought different and would help pull the burrs from my hair, telling me to keep telling a teacher if it should happen again and if worse came to worse to tell the principal.

But like the teachers, the principal would say, “That just means he likes you.”

I never really considered how poor the teachers’ advice was until a few years ago.

Throwing burrs and small pinches are seen simply as child’s play.

It isn’t violence and the child shouldn’t be punished. It’s only a crush, that’s how little boys and girls show they like one another.

But when did violence become an acceptable excuse to show affection?

I’m sure some of you reading this think I’m over-exaggerating. They were only burrs thrown in my hair, you might say. That’s not violent; it’s child’s play.

But by accepting violence as an excuse for love, we allow ourselves to be led into abusive relationships.

By accepting violence as an excuse for love we end up believing that our spouse is just hurting us out of affection.

No one should be taught that violence against another person proves love. No one should have to feel stuck in an abusive relationship or guilted into an abusive relationship with false promises of love.

Abuse is abuse. Love is love. They are opposites and are meant to be opposites.

So to any future teachers reading this, to any future parents: if a child is upset because they have burrs in there head or because someone won’t stop pinching them don’t tell them that it just means the other person likes them. Don’t decorate the problem, fix it.

 

 

Katherine George 

The Silhouette

Seven per cent of women reported suffering through a current or previous abusive spousal relationship between 1999 and 2004, according to Statistics Canada. The highest rates of abuse were found in young women aged 15 to 24, specifically those in relationships of three years or less.

Dating violence among Canadian university and community college undergraduate students is far too common. In 1993, Violence Against Women Survey (VAWS) stated that students in college and university are more likely to be involved in a coercive relationship.

Though women are more likely to report abuse than men, the 1990 General Social Survey organized by Statistics Canada also pointed out that the portion of violence against men in spousal relationships is almost equal. Despite the equality in numbers, the severity of violence against women tends to be higher than violence against men.

Abuse in relationships are not necessarily limited to physical abuse; they can also come in emotional and psychological forms. Most forms of abuse are difficult to detect. These types of abuse don’t take any physical form, but still have effects as painful as a physical wound. Emotional and psychological abuse festers within an individual and can cause long-term harmful effects.

In a more recent survey, Statistics Canada claims that almost 23,000 incidents of dating violence were reported to police in 2008. Of all violent crimes, dating violence represented seven per cent in 2008, and 28 per cent of all intimate partner violence.

It is easy for an individual from an outside perspective to ask someone in an abusive relationship, why would you stay in it? It is a little more complicated than just walking away.

Fourth-year McMaster commerce student Samantha Cowie  believes that “even in relationships that might not be abusive, women tend to deny situations that are occurring by making up excuses for their boyfriend or partner and stay in the relationship in hopes of changing that individual.” No matter how severe or how long-term, the victim is often under the impression that the abusive partner cares for them despite their violent behaviour. Or, the victim might be afraid to leave in fear of what might happen to them if they do.

Additionally, the abuse may have been occurring for such a long period of time that it begins to seem normal.

Every relationship is unique, but victims of abuse generally find it more difficult to exercise their own free will when making decisions. To help victims, whether male or female, it is important for communities to offer somewhere safe and secure for victims to go.

In Hamilton, there is an annual event organized by the Sexual Assault Centre (SACHA) called Take Back the Night. It occurs every September and allows women and children in the area to gather together and stand up against violence.

Events such as Take Back the Night provide women, and even men, in any kind of detrimental relationship the support to improve their life through building new and healthy relationships.

Neepa Parikh
SHEC Media

 

So you think you’re in a perfect relationship. You’re clearly in love with your new partner and you are both really close. But how do you know if you’re relationship is a healthy one? Fear not,  I have some answers for you.

First, let’s define a healthy relationship. It’s one that has trust, honesty, mutual respect, support, fairness and equality. It’s one in which both partners have separate identities, and in which there is open communication. In contrast, an unhealthy relationship is one in which a partner is mean, disrespectful, controlling or even abusive.

Unhealthy relationships can manifest themselves as dating violence. Violence usually begins with verbal and emotional abuse, which can be difficult to identify at times, and can progress to physical and sexual abuse. Some questions to ask yourself are, does your partner try to control you? Does your partner make you feel bad about yourself? Does your partner attempt to keep you from seeing your friends or from talking to other people? Does he or she criticize the way you look or dress? Do they ever raise a hand as if to hit you during an argument? Do they force you to perform sexual acts?

Dating abuse is more common than you think. Often, people who are experiencing abuse don’t talk about it. The silent victims may come from a violent home and thus do not see the violence as abnormal. They might feel that the abuse won’t happen again. They might even feel embarrassed or be afraid to tell anyone.

It can be really confusing. The qualities that might make a person abusive might even be qualities that you admire at first. It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness or anger as an expression of love. Sometimes you might even think that you’ve done or said something wrong and that it is your fault. Try to remember that this isn’t the case. Nobody deserves to be abused verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically. Abuse is always the abuser’s fault.

The longer you stay in an unhealthy relationship, the more damage it will do to your self-esteem. Ending an unhealthy relationship always beings with admitting to yourself that there is a problem. Once you’ve overcome that hurdle, talk to someone about how you can end the relationship. If you’re not sure if you’re in an abusive relationship, try talking to a friend or family member. Someone on the outside might be able to see the signs of abuse more clearly.

Not sure exactly who to talk to about your relationship? There are plenty of resources in at McMaster and in Hamilton to help you overcome abuse. Both SHEC peer volunteers (MUSC 202, ext. 22041) and the Campus Health Centre (MUSC B101, ext. 27700) offer counselling services. If you know that you are being physically or sexually abused, you can also visit the Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence Care Centre located in the McMaster University Medical Centre (905-521-2100 ext. 73557), which can provide free and confidential counselling and, if necessary, medical care.