Rant: Dear tammy tooters

By: Ashley Chrysler

The scene opens to Katniss Everdeen. The moment my mom and I had been waiting for. Call us lame, but we were so excited that The Hunger Games: Mockinjay Part I had finally come out. I won’t spoil the movie, but fast-forward to a tense scene with romantic tension building up between Katniss and one of her flames. The music has stopped. The increasingly awkward and silent pauses grow longer between characters. Will they kiss?

And then… “frrrrrrrrpppttt.” My mom and I whip our heads to stare at each other, totally flabbergasted that someone had just played the butt trumpet during one of the most silent and intense scenes in the whole movie.

Admittedly, we burst into laughter and struggled to contain ourselves and continue watching the movie. However, every time we managed to stifle our laughs, one of us would think about the toot bandit and start snickering again.

The first time it was pretty funny. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a few movies since then and more often now I’m hearing the anal acoustic choir chiming in throughout the films.

WHY?

Why can movie-seers suddenly not hold their gas? Why do the loud ones have to be released precisely at every intense silent scene? I’m starting to think North Korea is behind these bombings.

Take a page from my book (and I’m sure many, many others’) and just WAIT FOR A LOUD SCENE. It’s so simple. I remember having a really bad stomach ache during Thor. Thank God the whole movie was one long, loud fight scene. It worked out perfectly. Nobody was the wiser.

To all of those with loose cannons out there, please be considerate. Quit being such gassholes and ever so slowly and delicately let your trousers cough during action scenes. As for those poor, unfortunate souls watching non-action movies, at least try to cover it up with a cough or laugh to confuse people.

The winds of change are upon us people, and it smells.

So don’t be a “Tammy Tooter” and let everyone enjoy the show.