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Horoscopes: March mayhem edition

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Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
If you had a dollar for every MSU/faculty event you were invited to on Facebook, you’d have nothing, because you have no friends and you deactivated Facebook.

Pisces (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
For St. Patrick’s Day, be sure to dress up as a drunk Irish fish. You are more connected to this day of the year than 99% of the people at the party.

Aries (March 21 – April 20):
As Drake sang, “It’s [your] birthday, [you’ll] get high if you want to.” You’ll write the shit out of your paper — that is to say, it will be shit.

Taurus (Apr. 21 – May 21):
Stop telling people you like the rain. Who do you think you are? The Weather Girls? It’s gross and damp and moist.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun. 21):
People asking about your thesis? Be sure to lie and say you’re screwed, because the conversation succumbs to an awkward death if you say you’re prepared.

Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 23):
You were a victim of cuffing season and you’re about to get dropped like it’s hot. Better dig out that copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary.

Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23):
So you think wearing a sweatsuit to your test shows you’re funny and don’t give a crap? You know what they say – dress for the grade you want.

Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
Work work work work work work. You see me doing work work work work work. Something tells me Rihanna would make a great fortune teller.

Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
For Battle of the Bands, be sure to bring a pan to the fight — they play it pretty loose with what counts as a percussion instrument.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
Turns out you weren’t ready for the consequences of Super Tuesday, but you should have known that eating 20 pieces of KFC on Toonie Tuesday would make you sharf.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
Got a midterm coming up? Break a leg. Literally. It works even if you used your MSAF earlier this semester.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):
You’re quite similar to Steph Curry actually, in that you will consistently score threes … out of 12 on your courses.

 

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