Horoscopes: Exam edition

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Aquarius

(Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):

You are going to watch a cute dog video. You will find it hilarious and your day will be brightened. But this is a lie. You’re still going to fail your exam.

Pisces

(Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):

Don’t eat fish. It’s cannibalism and you’re going to have mad gas and diarrhea in your exam. And then you’ll be on Spotted @ Mac and your asshole friend is going to tag you.

Aries

(March 21 - April 20):

You are blessed with ability to cram this month. Please save all your studying for the 15 minutes before the test for maximum effect.

Taurus

(Apr. 21 - May 21):

Take a shower, not because it’s refreshing, but because you reek of sadness and failure. Also you smell like shit. Please have some consideration for the people around you.

Gemini

(May 22 - Jun. 21):

The gods are shining a warm light on you this month. Feel free to wear shorts and tank tops outside. It’s not cold. Your mind is simply still adjusting.

Cancer

(Jun. 22 - Jul. 23):

Now is definitely the time to pick up a new hobby or skill, like knitting scarves with pictures of cats or how to hack into the school system to set off all the fire alarms.

Leo 

(July 24 - Aug. 23):

People will be really empathetic for you this month. You should definitely just try crying on the floor outside your professor’s office.

Virgo 

(Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):

Your Netflix account is going to freeze. Maybe try “Study N’ Chill?” Nothing like some hard textbooks to get you sweating.

Libra

(Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):

Mind planet Mercury is in retrograde (or anterograde? I’m not sure) which means you’re going mess up on your test. Guess you’re out of luck.

Scorpio

(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):

You love telling people that you’re screwed for exams when you’ve made all your notes. Please refrain from telling people this, not only because it makes you a douche, but also because someone’s gonna spit in your food.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):

You actually still reading these? Christ, stop procrastinating. Get your shit together.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):

Your computer’s going to break randomly and all your notes will be lost. Don’t bother trying to back your files up; your usb is also going to combust.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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