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(Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
You are going to watch a cute dog video. You will find it hilarious and your day will be brightened. But this is a lie. You’re still going to fail your exam.
(Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
Don’t eat fish. It’s cannibalism and you’re going to have mad gas and diarrhea in your exam. And then you’ll be on Spotted @ Mac and your asshole friend is going to tag you.
(March 21 – April 20):
You are blessed with ability to cram this month. Please save all your studying for the 15 minutes before the test for maximum effect.
(Apr. 21 – May 21):
Take a shower, not because it’s refreshing, but because you reek of sadness and failure. Also you smell like shit. Please have some consideration for the people around you.
(May 22 – Jun. 21):
The gods are shining a warm light on you this month. Feel free to wear shorts and tank tops outside. It’s not cold. Your mind is simply still adjusting.
(Jun. 22 – Jul. 23):
Now is definitely the time to pick up a new hobby or skill, like knitting scarves with pictures of cats or how to hack into the school system to set off all the fire alarms.
(July 24 – Aug. 23):
People will be really empathetic for you this month. You should definitely just try crying on the floor outside your professor’s office.
(Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
Your Netflix account is going to freeze. Maybe try “Study N’ Chill?” Nothing like some hard textbooks to get you sweating.
(Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
Mind planet Mercury is in retrograde (or anterograde? I’m not sure) which means you’re going mess up on your test. Guess you’re out of luck.
(Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
You love telling people that you’re screwed for exams when you’ve made all your notes. Please refrain from telling people this, not only because it makes you a douche, but also because someone’s gonna spit in your food.
(Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
You actually still reading these? Christ, stop procrastinating. Get your shit together.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):
Your computer’s going to break randomly and all your notes will be lost. Don’t bother trying to back your files up; your usb is also going to combust.
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