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If bacon is bad for you, then I don’t want to live, and if the WHO is right, that won’t be a choice for me. The other day the aptly named organization (as in WHO do you think you are, destroying my world by telling me that the most delicious meat is carcinogenic?) tweeted: “Experts concluded that each 50 gram portion of processed meat eaten daily increases the risk of colorectal #cancer by 18%.”

The first thing to say is, “What part of my body exactly does colorectal cancer affect? Can I live without it?” The second thing: people forget that there’s an 82 percent chance of not getting cancer (I don’t think that’s how statistics works, but whatever), and a 100 percent chance of having foodgasms for the duration of your life if you consume pig fat.

The fun hating “experts” from the International Agency of Research on Cancer examined over 800 “scientific studies” to determine that bacon belongs in the dreaded “group 1” of noxious substances that negatively affect human health. Other fearsome substances in this group include asbestos, alcohol and cigarettes. I fear that one day, my child will need to use a fake ID to buy bacon with a picture of a dying baby’s lung on the package.

So what’s our alternative? Dulse, a strain of red algae that apparently has a strong bacon flavour. These people are probably the same people who claim chickpea cookie dough tastes like the real thing (it doesn’t). Somewhere in an American grocery store, Ron Swanson is tossing all dulse samples into the garbage. When asked about the bad news for bacon lovers, Ron called it, “total f**king bulls**t.” He emphasized that we should not panic, and instead procure as much bacon as humanly possible and hide it in as many locations you can. Wise words.

Taking a step back, I quickly realized that 50g of bacon is approximately equivalent to six medium slices of bacon. If you’re eating that much bacon everyday, we have bigger problems to deal with. Also, cutting down on bacon consumption to a reasonable amount is not difficult. Instead of using two strips to wrap your scallop, use one. Get your Double Down from KFC without bacon. It’s definitely okay to eat it once you replace the carcinogenic bacon with dulse.

Remember, these “scientists” have been wrong before. Margarine isn’t better for you than butter–and it definitely doesn’t taste the same. Egg yolks, once shunned for its cholesterol content, also turn out to not be bad for you.

Bacon, you’ve been under a lot of heat lately, but know that I will always love you. Everything about you is perfect. Your smell gets me out of bed everyday. The sizzle you makes when you hit a hot pan. The crunch you make when you’re bitten. The grease that coats my mouth and the warmth you spread in my body. Bacon, you make everything better. Never change (but I’d prefer it if you didn’t kill me).

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